How Not To Say "I Was Wrong"

Nope, I don't see any compassion here.

I tried really hard today to educate Ms. Pat Brown.

It is clear that she does not understand the difference between situational depression and clinical depression.  It is clear that she has never suffered from clinical depression herself, nor has she any first hand experience with clinical depression in a loved one.  It is further clear from her own website that she has no medical or psychiatric training whatsoever. 

I have interacted with this woman in e-mail all day.  I have urged her to educate herself, and she has repeatedly stated that in her opinion, there is no such thing as chemically-based depression, postpartum or otherwise.  Nevermind that basically everyone in the medical field agrees that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance.  Pat Brown thinks that if you've had a baby and you're depressed, it's all your own fault.

It is clear from my 12 hours of dealing with her that she profoundly lacks empathy and compassion.  This just proves it (you have to click through - it's appalling, and I can't figure out how to post it here).  She even bragged about that lovely little Facebook status update on Twitter!

You have to be a pretty sick, twisted bitch to bully pregnant women and new mothers - especially new mothers who are suffering from PPD.  You have to have a heart made of ice to think that it's ok to trivialize the struggles of this vulnerable population, to discourage them from seeking help, to blame the victim.  As I said in my initial letter to her - women suffering from PPD judge themselves enough, we don't need the judgment of people like her.  She's just kicking women when they're down.  That's reprehensible.  Who does that? 

I'm pretty sure that Cruella de Brown kicks kittens and skins puppies in her spare time.  She probably also stops by the hospital to pinch all the newborns until they cry, too.

She's a professional bullshitter.  That is all.  She is not a doctor.  She is not a psychiatrist.  She is not an expert.  The jury is still out on whether or not she is even human.  Certainly I have never met a human being who lacked compassion so profoundly (but I live in the midwest, where people are generally nice and make sense).  She goes on Nancy Grace and other shows like that and speculates - with no regard at all for the facts of any case that she's talking about.  Why should we listen to her opinion when it comes to PPD?  Answer:  We shouldn't.  And AOL News should be ashamed of themselves for listening to her in the first place.

Maybe she DOES have a mental illness.  However, just like the mothers who harm their children, her mental illness does NOT excuse her behavior.

Here are the facts - postpartum depression is a debilitating mood disorder which has several possible causes.  Some of those causes are hormonal (estrogen, progesterone, thyroid, oxytocin, and a host of other chemicals at work in the brain and body during and after pregnancy can cause disruption).  Some of the causes are situational (sleep deprivation, lack of support, etc.)... (train of thought derailment...  please stand by)

You know, I took a class in college that talked about personality and how it develops, and we talked about all the different theories - nature, nurture, evolutionary, biological, etc. and each day in class, the professor would repeat that this or that factor was "necessary, but not sufficient," meaning that it played a part in the story, but it wasn't the whole story.  That phrase stuck with me.  Whenever anyone has a black and white opinion about something, especially something as complicated as personality or disease or disorder, I always hear that prof's voice in my head, saying, "It is necessary, but it is not sufficient....."

Anyway, back to the facts...  PPD IS treatable.  The most effective treatment regimen combines therapy and medication.  Many depression meds (including Zoloft, which saved me) are approved for use while breastfeeding, so don't let nursing stop you from seeking help if you need it.  Depression isn't just "sadness." (Mine manifested itself in the form of anger, frustration, crippling anxiety, intrusive thoughts about harm coming to the baby {or doing the baby harm}, and a deep desire to get as far away from my family as possible before I "screwed them up."  I knew, in some deep part of my brain that was still "me" that it didn't make any sense, but I couldn't stop myself from having those feelings and thoughts - even though I wanted so desperately to be happy and normal.)

If you even think for a moment that you might be experiencing something abnormal, please talk to your doctor right away.  There are lots of shades of gray with PPD.  You might have a mild case that can be "cured" with a little extra sleep and support, or maybe improvements in diet and exercise.  You might need medication and therapy.  You might need even more intervention.  Some women, like Heather Armstrong of Dooce.com, are hospitalized, temporarily, until things are under control.

Please don't listen to the Pat Browns of the world who would shame you and blame you for feeling the way you do.  Pat Brown does NOT know what she's talking about.  Listen to all of us who have been there, and who have come out on the other side of it.  It is not your fault.  It is not your fault.  It is not your fault. 

An Open Letter to Pat Brown

Ms. Brown,

As a mother who suffered from and was successfully treated for Perinatal Anxiety and Mood Disorder (or PAMD, formerly known as Postpartum Depression or PPD), I am writing to educate you about the disorder, following your offensive comments in the article at

http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/police-child-killer-mom-suspect-shaquan-duley-just-wanted-to-be-free/19597692

It astonishes me that you're speaking as a medical and psychiatric expert when it is clear from your website that you have no medical qualifications whatsoever.  It also astonishes me that you would go on public record saying that "most claims -- if not all -- of postpartum depression are a crock."  Statements like that do not help anyone.  By saying that Postpartum Depression is "a crock" you are endangering women and children - because why would a woman seek help and treatment for something that's "a crock?"

Your statements belittle the very real experiences of millions of women like myself - women who have been through the horror of PPD/PAMD - a horror which has nothing to do with losing one's body or one's freedom to children, and has EVERYTHING to do with very real hormones and chemicals in the body.  In my own case, my husband and I tried for two years and desperately wanted a child.  My PPD/PAMD had nothing to do with having an unloved, unwanted burden of a child - she was and remains loved and wanted!  I remember saying, more than once, "I spent two years crying because I couldn't have a baby, and now I'm crying because I have one!  It doesn't make any sense!"  It didn't make any sense because I was sick.  I was suffering from a chemical imbalance that caused me to feel anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety...  It wasn't the baby that caused those feelings!  I loved her and wanted her and wanted to take care of her more than anything!

The medical fact is that there are several possible physical causes for PPD/PAMD, including chemicals/hormones and sleep deprivation.  The hormone that is most suspect is hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal hormone or HPA.  Levels of HPA in postpartum women were found to be similar to the levels in women who had chronic, non-postpartum depression in a recent study.  Women who do not breastfeed produce less oxytocin, which is known to cause feelings of love and well-being, and to produce a desire to care for the child in the nursing mother.  Women who do not breastfeed have a higher incidence of PPD/PAMD.  Additionally, in the 24 hours following childbirth, a woman's levels of estrogen, progesterone, and thyroid hormone drop dramatically, and some researchers believe that this drop leads to PPD/PAMD.

As with most things, it's probably a combination of several physical and environmental factors that causes PPD/PAMD. The fact that researchers do not know the exact cause(s) of PPD/PAMD does not mean that PPD/PAMD is "a crock."  Science also can't explain exactly why gravity works, but that doesn't mean we're making it up and using it as an excuse for our failure to fly!

I do agree with you, however, that Shaquan Duley was probably not suffering from postpartum depression.  More likely the poor woman suffered from postpartum psychosis, which is a different and much more severe form of the disorder.

Please refrain, in the future, from speaking to the media on topics which you are so obviously ignorant.  You are doing real women and children a tremendous disservice when you minimize their experiences in this way.  I would hate to think that there's some woman out there reading about Ms. Duley, who is also feeling the same horrible impulse to harm her children, and reading your words.  Because if PPD isn't real, then there's no hope of treatment or cure, and that poor hypothetical woman now has an "expert" telling her that there's no reason to seek help. 

The women suffering from PPD/PAMD, and those of us who have survived it, do not need any more blame and judgment.  Believe me when I tell you that we blame and judge ourselves quite enough.  We need compassion, help, and access to treatment.  We do not need to be told that our disorder is "a crock."

I very much look forward to a public retraction of your appalling statements. 

Sincerely,
Amy Prettybaby
author of http://prettybabies.blogspot.com where this letter will be reprinted

UPDATE:  She wrote back!

I am not ignorant of your argument for PPD and I am not saying in some rare case such a thing could exist based on chemical issues. Generally speaking, I don't buy the chemical imbalance theory for any depression; I believe people just don't want to deal with real life issues and the fact that sometimes life is simply depressing and damn difficult. It isn't about chemical imbalance but tough times and our own issues.

Pat Brown
Investigative Criminal Profiler

To which I replied:

You are not qualified to buy or not buy any explanation for any disorder.  You are neither a doctor nor a psychiatrist!  You obviously, obviously have NO IDEA what you are talking about, and to tout yourself as an "expert" on PPD/PAMD in the national media is ignorant at best, dangerous at worst.

By the way, you've created yourself a real controversy.  Check Twitter - #AOLhurtsmomswithPPD. 

Enjoy the attention.

Updated to add - AOL has removed Brown's comments from the original article!

Updated again - this woman just doesn't know when to quit:

I stand by my comments even if AOL does not.

 

Pat Brown
Investigative Criminal Profiler

Wow.

My blood is BOILING!

Post-Ultrasound Baby Update

Mom's Blood Pressure - still excellent, but trending slowly upward

Mom's Weight Gain - 2 pounds total (midwife says I shouldn't panic if it's 8 pounds at my next visit, that I'm overdue for a growth spurt)

Fundal Height - not measured, but right at my belly button which is where it should be

Baby's Heart Rate - 153 bpm

Baby's Anatomy Scan - looks great!  Nothing of concern was detected!

Baby's First Picture - suitable for framing:

The Vampire Fad has Literally Made Us Sick

I love our doctor, I really do, and I wouldn't stop seeing him or taking the kids to him for anything...  But I'm a little annoyed with him today (mostly with myself, to be fair...).

He has a big plastic bucket (the kind you'd put sodas in with ice for a party) full of small toys (pencils, stickers, etc.) for the kids to choose from after their appointments.  That's really kind of him, and the gesture is appreciated.  But...

One of the prizes when I took MG for her shots on the 11th was a set of purple plastic vampire teeth.  MG chose a pencil (after pawing through the bucket that all the sick kids since time immemorial had pawed through, too, while I stood there and cringed).  Claire (who didn't even have an appointment) grabbed the teeth.  They were not wrapped in plastic or anything - they were just lying there, naked, in the germs.  Damn that Oriental Trading Company!!

I told her to keep them FAR away from her mouth, and she did that day.  They got mixed in with all the other debris in the back of my car, and by the time we got home I had forgotten about them.

She found them in the back of the car on Friday, stuck them in her mouth before I could stop her, and now she's sick.  Runny nose, cough, low grade fever, sore sounding throat...  Big surprise.

I need to acknowledge that it is completely my responsibility to keep my kids out of the bucket of germ toys, and to deal with the ensuing tantrums.  It is also my responsibility to take the germ toys that they smuggle out away from them....  But I think the blame here can be shared.  A doctor who is an expert on germ theory and how illnesses are spread should know better than to put toys that are meant to be put in the mouth in a big communal bucket full of germs that the kids are going to paw though.  I mean, our doctor has small kids, too.  He knows how they are!  And I'd be willing to pay an extra penny or two per item if Oriental Trading would individually wrap their stuff.  Wouldn't you?

I suppose it's probably revenue generating.  After all, if this goes beyond a cold and turns into something serious, I'm going to be right back to the doctor's office with another co-pay!  And it's no coincidence that the play area at the mall (aka. Germ Central) is sponsored by the local network of doctors.  It's a tough economy, we've all got to do what we've got to do.

I just wish I'd taken away the damn teeth.

(They did finally get rid of the waiting room toys, after I complained about it, although it had more to do with H1N1 than my complaining.  And I really, really do love our doctor.  I know he isn't really trying to make the kids sick.  I'm just teasing about the revenue generating.  Mostly.  BJ says that it's entirely my fault and I shouldn't be upset with the doctor or with Oriental Trading Company, but he got a lot more sleep than I did last night, so he can afford to be rational.)

A Funny Thing Happened...

So a funny thing happened to me last night when I was looking at the pictures from the party.  It had been a while since I looked through the pictures on the camera, and I came across one in particular that made me pause.  "Who is that with Mary Grace?" I thought.

It could be because it's kind of dark, and it could be because of the shadows, but I didn't recognize MY OWN FACE.  (The picture was taken in the Star Wars exhibit at the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville).

It was kind of a Great Moment in Weight Loss for me.

I'm not actively dieting, but I've only gained a pound with this pregnancy, which means that everything is redistributing.  My arms are smaller, and my face is apparently a lot slimmer than it used to be.  It was a very strange feeling to look at myself and not see myself.


Anyway, if you see me walking around trying to find myself, now you know why.