Poop Smeared Up My Arm Again

This is one of those posts that Claire is going to hate me for when she's older. I don't care. We'll be even.

Last week I told you that she had an ear infection, right? My kids don't do ear infections the usual way. The only clear symptom that a cold has settled in their ears is that they scream like we're killing them when we try to change their diapers. The best I can figure, they feel like they're falling. It's kind of nice, because at least they're not screaming in excruciating pain, but it sucks for one thing.

Diaper changes.

Claire has finished her Z-pack, so I'm about out of patience for these shenanigans. Here's how it goes. I smell her need for a diaper change. I dread and avoid for a good 5 minutes, until the "I'm a horrible mommies" start to set in. Then, if BJ's not around for me to trick into changing it, ("Claire wants you...") I make peace with the inevitable.

She starts crying before we even get to the changing area (in the laundry room). The changing pad may as well be made of lava, with the way she screams when any part of her body touches it. Finally I manage to wrestle her into the supine position with a combination of ju jitsu, WWF moves, and grit. She prefers an aural attack at this point. Neighbors are dialing 9 and 1 at this point, and they have their fingers hovering over the second 1.

Claire will relax long enough for me to think that the fight is over, but, and this gets me every. single. time... as soon as I get the diaper off and make a preliminary swipe at the (now well mashed) contents, Claire pulls a ninja move called the flip and tuck. She rotates her entire body, against all the strength in my upper left arm, and tucks her knees under her, so that she's sunny side up.

This is not the preferred position for diaper changing.

This is also one of those things that no one covered in the parenting classes.

Anyway, at this point we're both yelling - Claire, still, because she's got a bad case of the bed spins, and me, because I have poo smeared up my right arm.

Oh, I wish I were exaggerating.

I wipe away what I can from this angle, lulling her into a false sense of security. Then, when I have no choice but to flip her over and clean her undercarriage, she pulls a yoga move I like to call The Hysterical Starfish. Without ceasing to scream, she sticks her arms and legs out as stiffly and immovably as possible.

At this point, I'm truly concerned that I'm going to drop her. She's 21 pounds of screaming, wriggling, filthy fury, and did I mention that I still have poop on my arm? So, I put her back in the prone position, and lift her legs. She's so stiff with fury that I am able to clean her the rest of the way, make a decent attempt at getting the diaper in the right place, and get her pants back on.

Then she screams at me for 10 more minutes and we have to nurse about it. But at least at this point I can ignore her until I've washed my arms.

WFMW: Treating a Cold

Is it cold and flu season already? Seriously? I still haven't recovered from last winter.

I'm a total whiner when it comes to being sick, but having a sick family is 1000 times worse. Now that "they" have taken away all medication for kids under 6 (because a bunch of stupid parents didn't know how to READ LABELS and calculate CORRECT doses, I might add...) we have to get creative in treating our sniffly, sick kids.

Here are my best tips and tricks:

1) Vapo-Rub - Johnson's and Vicks each make a baby formula of Vapo-Rub that no one has tried to take away yet. Smear it on their little chests at night so that they can sleep if they're snuffly.

2) Hot tea with honey - Apparently "they" have decided that kids can't have honey until they're 2 years old now. Whatever. Claire had already started drinking tea with honey by the time the doctor shared the new recommendation with me, so I'm playing fast and loose with this one and giving it to her anyway. She's 20 months old, for Pete's sake. I make half a cup of tea, add the honey, and then fill the cup with cold water. It's warm, not hot, but it seems to soothe scratchy throats and stuffy noses.

3) Chicken soup - Canned chicken soup is for the birds. Make your own. Use broth or bouillon, a piece of cut up chicken (or a can, in a pinch), some mixed veg from the freezer, and some egg noodles. It seriously doesn't take any more time to make than a can of soup, and it tastes SO much better. I add garlic and a bit of crushed red pepper to mine, which really helps the stuffies.

4) Use wipes on the nose - Kleenex is great (buy the extra soft for sick kiddos), but once their noses are all chapped and nasty, try using baby wipes instead, or a wet washcloth. It's soothing to the skin. Also, put some Vaseline on their faces (cheeks and under the nose, particularly) to prevent that chapped face look that is so common this time of year.

5) Tylenol/Ibuprofen - Hallelujah, these are still "ok" to use. I give a dose of Tylenol, then 3 hours later give ibuprofen, then 3 hours later give Tylenol, and so on, for maximum discomfort relief. If my kids still have livers by the time they're 10, it'll be a miracle, but my doctor said it was the way to do it...

6) Robitussin - I'm bad. I ignore recommendations. Fortunately, so does my doctor. Robitussin thickens up the mucus and helps them cough it up. Give it to them during the day. Be sure to call your doctor for the correct dose.

7) Benadryl - yeah, I know. No meds under 6. Blah blah blah. The people who said that don't have kids under 6. Call your doctor and get the dose for your child by weight (not age) and dope their little behinds up so you can sleep at night.

8) How Do Dinosaurs Get Well Soon - this book includes a line about getting sick "in a pail" and after eleventy trillion readings, MG now at least attempts to aim her puke for the pail.

9) Beach towels - who wants to do a million loads of laundry and care for sick kids? Put a towel under their head and shoulders in the bed, so if they miss the pail, you might be able to save the sheets if you act fast.

10) Vicks Early Defense - We used this a lot last winter, whenever we went to the museum, the library, the doctor's office, or any other germy place, and it really seemed to help keep us healthy.

11) Rest and hydrate - pop the kiddos in front of a movie with their tissues, their "pail," and their tea (or ginger ale) and let them veg. Now is not the time to be running around. Stay home as a public service to others, and relax your rules about television watching until everyone feels better.

12) Enlist help - if you're sick too (God forbid) find a sympathetic relative to come help you out. My mother in law came and helped out last time we were really sick, so we're going to take extra good care of her when she's old. I'm just sayin'. :)

Those are my best tips for caring for sick kiddos... Please leave yours in the comments!!

Visit Shannon over at Rocks in My Dryer for more Works for me Wednesday tips!!

Synchronicity

So remember when I told you that my friend was giving her brother a kidney, and that my other friend's baby needs open heart surgery...? No? Well, click the word remember and refresh your memory.

Anyway, both of the surgeries are going to be in Indianapolis on the same day - November 17. How weird is that?

I hope you'll all join me in directing prayers in that general direction that day.

Gotta run. Busy days. This week on the calendar has so many different colored squares, you'd think that the kids attacked it with finger paints. Crazy.

Crazed Parents Destroy Plastic Carousel

Local Mall, 5:14 pm

Area residents are living in fear tonight due to a group of rogue parents who have allegedly been rampaging through town, destroying plastic ride on carousels, animals, and race cars.

"75 cents for 30 seconds? What kind of (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) bull (expletive deleted) is that?" said one unidentified father of 4, as he smashed the head of a plastic dog in with a bat, "Don't they know that we're in a recession?"

The riot allegedly began when a local three year old, whose identity is being withheld, demanded to ride on the carousel "one more time." Her cries ignited the rage of other nearby toddlers, who also began to demand rides on the carousel. Parents, at the end of their ropes, began at that time to enter the nearby Dick's Sporting Goods store. They debated the merits of wood vs. aluminum, calmly waited in line, paid for their baseball bats, and returned to the carousel. Only then did the riot ensue.

"You know, I haven't been to Rack Room Shoes in 4 years, because I don't want to walk by this (expletive deleted) thing?" said one mother as she hurled a piece of the plastic horse through the window of Rack Room Shoes.

"The music," whack, "just," whack, "won't," whack, "stop," said another woman, who appeared to be a grandmother, as she beat at the top of the carousel. Maddeningly, it continued to chirp perky, kid-taunting music at her as she impotently beat on the plastic. A father came up behind her, took the bat out of her hand, bashed in the music box, and returned the bat to her.

One parent, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said, "Look, it wasn't so bad when it was just one obscure plastic car with a little plastic dog in a remote corner of the mall... But now, everywhere you look, there are plastic pieces of crap designed to separate parents from their money, 75 cents or a dollar at a time. The kids go NUTS for this stuff. It's like crack, and they know we'll keep pumping in the quarters to shut them up. It's like a tax on people who bring kids to the mall, and this is the Boston Tea Party," the anonymous informant said before being swept away in the frenzy, which was headed for the grocery store to "take out" those annoying race car shaped carts.

"I hate those (expletive deleted) things!" screamed a mother of 2.

The parents built a bon fire in the parking lot of the grocery store and burned the carts, while their children looked on in silence. A seven year old said, "Maybe asking for a sixth ride was pushing things a bit far..." as his father stripped naked and danced circles around the pyre, screaming, "Who wants my quarters now, beeyatch?"

Local police were reluctant to intervene, fearing for the safety of the children involved. "Besides," said Officer Scott Smith, "I have 3 kids too. I hate those frigging things. If I weren't on the job, I'd go out there and help 'em."

We're Doing Something Right

At the mall playplace killing time and letting the kids run right now... A boy was growling (?!?) at MG. "Stop growling at me!" she said. "I'm just playing," he protested. "Well I don't like it," she said.

That was half an hour ago, and he hasn't growled once.

At the fieldtrip on Friday, a boy kept getting in another girl's face. Another mom said, "I don't think she wants you in her space," but the boy ignored her. MG inserted herself between them, hands on hips, and said, "She said she doesn't want you in her space!!"

Atta girl!