Thursday, September 9, 2010

GUEST POST: Gen Thompson, Pat Brown Profiler

I am entirely too cranky to blog today, so I'm putting this blog in the capable hands of Gen with a G, hilarious new blogger and high school friend.  If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her stories, do yourself a favor and click over and read.  This one is my favorite, so far.  She's awesome.  Her posts make me laugh out loud like a crazy person. 

In case you missed all the Pat Brown brou-ha-ha, you might want to read this and this first, to catch yourself up. ~Amy

I totally wish that I had gotten to read what Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler actually said on AOL because based on Amy’s posts and your comments, it sounded like it was riveting. I’m always behind on these things, but it doesn’t stop me from having an opinion. And Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler knows what that’s like. My educated guess leads me to believe she said something along the lines of this: “PPD is for pretend. I am Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler, so you know I’m right.” But since AOL was all “whoops, our bad!” and pulled her quote before I could read it firsthand, I had to go do a little profiling myself to get a better sense of the woman.

As any good investigator will tell you, if you want to be in the know, go where all the cool kids hang out. So, I went to visit Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler’s Facebook page and found two status updates of intrigue. Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler says:

“More stupidity. Studies say kids who get less sleep are fatter. Probably because they are up eating in front of the television.” AND “Woo hoo! They shot the bastard at Discovery Channel and the hostages are safe!”

So, what I’ve learned: not only is Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler an expert psychologist, she is also a brilliant scientist that can explain the causes of childhood obesity by suggesting every child suffering from a lack of sleep is obviously just staying up late snacking in front of the tv. Plus she is super smart and well spoken, because she begins updates about complicated situations like the violent deaths of dangerous people who take hostages with the words woo hoo!

Very interesting. I must know more.

So of course, experts like me always make Wikipedia their second stop. This handy source tells me that, a while back, Pat Brown rented out her room to a murder suspect. This event inspired her to go into her line of work. Clearly, Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler is an astute judge of character.

So, I’m beginning to wonder, does Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler know everything about everything? Cool!

But then, I hit a bump in the road. Somewhere in my investigation, (I’m not sure where, but who needs facts? I’m Gen Thompson, Pat Brown Profiler!) I learned that Pat Brown had some babies of her own. And now I’m just utterly confused. Because I can understand and accept how a self-proclaimed psychiatrist, scientist, super smart, well-spoken woman (who is an astute judge of character AND, let us not forget, CRIMINAL PROFILER) can bend her mind and proclaim that PPD is a hoax. I mean, a lot of well-meaning people do this all the time – state their opinions as facts. But how can a MOM proclaim that? How is that even possible?

She has to remember bursting into uncontrollable tears at the slightest provocation. She has to remember hiding in the bathroom, running the shower and singing at the top of her lungs to drown out the baby’s incessant crying, if only for a minute. She has to remember a body that literally ached for sleep. She must recall the complete and utter desperation that accompanies the joy of new motherhood. Come on Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler. For real? You don’t believe in PPD?

You’re lying and you know it.

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