What To Expect When You're Expecting Your Third Child

It seems like all of the books, websites, e-mails and apps about pregnancy are geared toward the first-time mom.  It's understandable, I guess.  If I were any sort of a decent mother I'd be too busy taking care of the kids I've got to read about the kid I'm expecting.  I remember feeling very guilty about this when I was pregnant with Claire - as if her fetal mind knew that I wasn't monitoring the development of every toenail the way I did when I was pregnant with Mary Grace.

But my kids are big enough to entertain themselves quite a bit, now, and I have time to read again (hooray!).  And it's all very 100 level stuff.  There is certainly room in the world for a book about subsequent pregnancies.  It would include such wisdom as:

• Your prior pregnancies have destroyed any abdominal muscles you might have had to begin with, so you will begin showing before you even know you're pregnant.  People will consistently think you're 2-3 months farther along than you are.  You will be asked, "Are you sure it's not twins?" often.  Try not to take it personally.
• You will be more tired and more achy with this pregnancy than you were before.  It's partly because you're older, it's partly because you're taking care of a kid or two while trying to grow another one, and it's partly because subsequent pregnancies are harder.  Symptoms, like back pain and round ligament pain, will begin earlier and be more intense.  Suck it up, Cupcake, there's nothing you can do.  Oh, and just wait until you feel the after-labor pains this time.  You'll refuse to leave the hospital until your husband gets a vasectomy.  (No personal experience with this one, yet, but I've heard... and it scares me!)
• On the other hand, the third pregnancy is better because you have evidence that you'll get through it.  You aren't as afraid of labor because you've done it before.  It's not some scary unknown.  It's do-able.  You won't have as much anxiety about the baby as you did before, either.  Maybe this is why third children tend to be mellow.
• Your older kid(s) will push on your tummy at least eleven times a day, and you'll be convinced that your baby will be born with bruises from head to toe.  (I'll let you know in December whether or not that actually happens.  Fortunately, this mom-to-be-again has enough padding, still, to protect the baby from sibling elbows).  Speaking of padding....
• All of your friends will be dieting, and your husband will lose all the sympathy weight he gained when you were pregnant the first time (or two) and you will feel like a whale (see above re: abs).

Chapters would include:

• Nap Strategies - how to get your older kids to let you sleep for 20 minutes so you don't pass out when you're driving later.  (Hint - take the kids to McDonald's Play Place, put on your giant sunglasses, and doze while they play).
• The Mom Diet - can you grow a healthy baby on raisins, Chicken McNuggets and PB&J?  (Hint - no.  Your kid will weigh 97 pounds at birth if you try.  Be sure to take a vitamin and eat a vegetable once in a while).
• Lower Expectations - housework strategies for pregnant women with toddlers or preschoolers in the home.  (Hint - tell the kids that scrubbing the floor is fun and get them to do it until you're so big you can't see your feet or the floor anymore.  At that point, who cares?)
• Time Warp - why this pregnancy is going faster than your previous one(s) and what to do about it.  (Hint - paint the nursery as soon as the plus appears on the pregnancy test, because this kid is going to arrive before you know it).

What would you include in the What to Expect When You're Expecting Again book?  Any publishers out there who want to give me a big fat advance check to write this thing?

Time Outs, Revisited

Anonymous writes:

I want to start off by thanking you for this blog! I have very similar qualifications and work with the same types of children. I implement TO dozens of times a day yet I struggle with behavior issues at home! I have a very bright, funny, sweet....HARD headed, overly emotional, stubborn, independent 2.5 year old daughter! The arrival of her baby sister has sent her into a tailspin (biting other children, spitting, hitting, HORRIBLE tantrums). I need to start using TO at home. Do you suggest I start by making time out a confined space such as a playpen or should I go right to the stair/carpet? Also, can you please elaborate further on what we should do when she just runs around the room laughing and refusing to take the time out?  Thanks again! This was amazing and I really needed somebody to put things back into perspective for me!!

Thank you for making my day, Anonymous!

First of all, I think we need to be really careful with introducing siblings into the family.  I hear a lot of parents setting themselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy, by acting like they're scarring their older child for life when they bring home a baby sister or brother.  This is a Very Bad Plan (not that it sounds like you're necessarily doing this, Anon, but this is where my head went first).  I think it's vitally important to the health of our children's relationships with each other that we treat the arrival of a new sibling like the gift that it is. I can't tell you how often I say things to my kids like:

• Friends will come and go, but a sister is a forever friend.
• No one will ever love you the way your sister loves you. You should be nice to her and take good care of her.
• You should always look out for your sister.  She is so special!

...and so on.  Daily, at least, if not more.  And now that Gozer is on the way we're already talking in extremely excited and positive terms about how much fun it's going to be to have a baby!  I think that if you say negative things like, "Mommy and Daddy won't have as much time for you when the baby comes," and so on, or if you're constantly making your older child wait until you've finished doing something with the baby, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of problems.  (I think I can speak as an authority on the subject because I have outstanding relationships with both of my siblings, and my kids' teachers have commented on how exceptionally close my kids are with each other).

So, in other words, if you're doing any negative talking about the baby and the attention she's taking away from your older child, even if it's true, even if it's in empathy, stop right away.  Instead of saying, "I know you don't like sister because she takes all my attention right now," or something along those lines, make it positive.  Say instead, "I know it seems hard now, but you are going to have so much fun with your sister when she gets a little bit bigger.  You guys can ride bikes together, play dolls together...  You're so lucky!"  Put as positive a spin on the situation as you can, both when you're talking to her and when you're talking in her presence.  And for anyone reading who might be expecting, start before the sibling is born.

Now, on to your specific questions, if you're just starting TO at 2.5 you may have to physically confine your daughter until she figures it out.  I would try a playpen (not one where she plays normally, of course.  It needs to be a unique space that's only for time outs).  You don't want to use the crib, either, lest she have negative associations with going to bed.  If confinement is impossible, then when she runs around like a crazy person when she's supposed to be in time out, the universe - as far as she is concerned - stops.  No TV, no interaction with Mom and Dad, no meals, no snacks, no diaper changes (!!), no NOTHING until she takes her time out.  If she whines (and she will) say, "I'll be happy to do that when you've finished your time out."  Try to say it as neutrally and matter of factly as you can.  You don't want to let on to her that she's driving you nuts, even if she is.  She's "making bad choices" and you're "disappointed in her behavior," but you're telling her this in a very matter of fact tone of voice. 

So she's still running around.  Remember that your attention is your greatest currency with her.  Don't look at her.  Don't laugh at her.  Don't talk to her except to say, "You need to take your time out," and, "I'll be happy to do that for you when you've taken your time out."

You also have to be sure that she knows what a time out is.  Role play it with her.  Give yourself a time out and show her what you expect her to do.  Talk through it.  "Uh oh, Mommy said a naughty word.  Mommy gets a time out."  Then go to the step and say, "I need to sit here quietly and think about what I did."  Wait a couple minutes, then say, "I'm all finished.  I got a time out for saying a naughty word.  I'll try to use nice words instead."

I've given myself time outs once or twice, and it has been very powerful.  One time my oldest (who sounds a lot like yours) was mad at me because I'd told her I'd make spaghetti (her favorite) for supper, and I changed the plan without telling her.  I avoided a complete meltdown by taking a time out, and then explaining to her why I'd changed the plan (whatever I made instead was faster, and it was getting late, or something). 

It's not fair to get upset with her if she doesn't understand what you expect, so be sure that you're clear. Make sure she knows exactly how to take a time out.  You're going to have to explain it to her and model it for her more than once.

You don't say how old your baby is, but I found that initially we had a little bit of adjustment, then things were surprisingly smooth for several months, and the real sibling rivalry started when Claire was able to move around and take toys from Mary Grace - right around the age when she stopped sleeping all the time and learned to crawl.  If you're not there yet, expect improvement between now and then, and then another regression.  I promise, though, that if you make sure you talk about having a sister in positive terms, and if you remind her what a gift you've given her (and trust me, you really have!  My kids play together constantly and are so lonely when one of them goes somewhere without the other.  And I can tell you that the sibling relationship is something that is so precious and irreplaceable as an adult - I'm blessed with lots of close friends, but my sister and brother "get" me in a way that few people can... or would want to!) you'll see that it'll turn around. 

Our kids believe what we tell them about themselves and their world - so we need to be really careful how we spin it.  If you tell her that her sister is a stinky little usurper who ruined her life, she'll believe you.  If you tell her that her sister is a gift, and that she'll be her best friend, and that she'll be her favorite playmate, and that she's SO MUCH FUN, she'll believe you too.

I hope this helps.  Email me if you have more specific questions, and we'll see what we can do.

Taking a Page Out Of Mimi's Book

When Aunt Mimi was little she used to carry our mom's nighties around with her all the time, like a security blanket.

It's funny what behaviors are hereditary. Claire has been doing the same thing lately.

I'm going to have to start hiding them! It's annoying to have to search for my nightgown every night before bed.

It's All Been Done

So mothers have Tweeted their births and Facebooked their births and liveblogged their births...  How am I going to kick it up a notch?

I'm thinking of raffling off a ticket for one of you to actually attend the birth!  This is my third.  The birth will be planned so logistically it'll work.  There were 74 people in the room when I had Claire.  I have lost all sense of modesty when it comes to childbirth, so why not?

What do you think?  $25 a chance, with the proceeds to go to Gozer's college fund?

(That sound you hear is BJ banging his head against the wall...)

Big News!

I'M PREGNANT!

BJ made me wait the full 12 weeks to tell you, and it has been so hard!  I would've posted the day I found out, if he had let me! 

I'm due on January 5, 2011, but I won't go that long.  Let me explain...

With Mary Grace I had pregnancy induced hypertension, and was on bedrest for the last week.  I also had precipitous labor (3 hours, 45 minutes).  With Claire I had pregnancy induced hypertension, and I had Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (my liver broke) which can cause stillbirth if the pregnancy is allowed to continue past 37 weeks, and again I had precipitous labor (1 hour, 9 minutes).

If the trend continues, this kid will be born in 23 minutes.  Since having a baby on the side of the road is NOT something I want to get into the newspaper for, and since they keep moving the hospitals farther and farther away from me, I want to be induced at 37 weeks.  This will mitigate the risks of the ICP (which has a 60-90% chance of returning, depending on which study you believe) and the PIH (which usually hits me at the end) and the precipitous labor.

The OB who delivered the girls has temporarily left the area, so I am seeing a midwife (!!!).  I was really concerned that she wouldn't be able to take me as a patient, because of all my issues, but we met with her a couple weeks ago and she said that since I've lost weight she doesn't think the PIH will come back.  The ICP is a crap shoot - they really don't know anything about it, so the 60-90% thing is a guess (anecdotally, though, it seems like the women who have had it get it again).  And she agreed that with my precipitous labors, inducing was the smart thing to do.  She wants to induce me around 12/22, but I'm more comfortable with 12/15.  We'll see if I'm dilating and effacing then, and decide based on what's actually going on, not what we're afraid might happen.

I'll also have a back up OB - I'll meet her in about 6 weeks, just in case things go screwy.  This is a hospital-based midwife, so I won't be delivering at home either way - unless baby surprises us by coming earlier than 37 weeks and I can't make it to the hospital!!  I've asked the midwife if we can leave the hospital 12 hours after the birth if everyone's ok, and she has agreed as long as the baby's doctor - our family doctor - agrees.  So, ideally we'll go in early on the birthday and be out by bedtime.  I do NOT like hospitals and I don't want to stay there if I don't have to.  There's no staph or MRSA in my house, you know?  Plus, I don't have nurses coming in bugging me every 20 minutes at home.  My dad's a nurse, anyway, so we can plan for him to be here to bug me instead.

Now you know why the weight loss posts stopped about 6 weeks ago when I found out.  Did you suspect?  Of course it isn't healthy to diet when you're pregnant.  I'm happy to report that I have not gained anything during my first trimester.  Hopefully I can keep the weight gain to the 15-20 pound range.  I've always done a good job of not gaining too much during pregnancy.  I gained right around 25 pounds with each of the girls, which is ideal.

I've been oddly sick.  I haven't thrown up, but my mouth waters like I'm about to throw up.  It's very disconcerting, and it tastes really bad.  I've switched to taking my vitamins at night, which has helped a little bit.  That never happened with the girls, so I'm thinking maybe it's a boy.

I have also been itchy on my hands and feet, which is the major symptom of ICP.  It can occur this early, but the more likely scenario is that I'm noticing every little itch more than I would if I hadn't had ICP before, and it's making me think "uh oh!"  We're going to monitor the bile acids in my blood (just a blood test) throughout the pregnancy.  Unfortunately the labs here can't process that test, so they have to send it away and it takes a week or two to come back.  This is not ideal.  The levels of bile acid can rise quickly, so having to wait a week or two to get the results back can literally mean the difference between life and death (the higher the bile acids, the more the baby is being poisoned, and the greater the chance of the baby dying in utero).  There's also medication that I can take to help the symptoms and prevent bad outcomes.  We saw a specialist when I was pregnant with Claire, but he didn't know anything.  It's a very frustrating complication, and one I hope I don't repeat.

When I had ICP before, my feet were raw and bloody from scratching, and I poured hot water (really really hot water) and sometimes vinegar over them to try to get it to stop.  It was seriously miserable.  It's not just a little discomfort - it's the kind of itching that keeps you up all night, and leaves scars on your hands and feet.  Once I deliver, though, both the baby and I will be fine.  Claire and I don't have any ongoing issues.  I have confidence that we'll be fine.  We know that it's a possibility and we're keeping an eye on it, and I'm not afraid to induce as early as necessary to keep Gozer safe.

Oh yeah, we're calling the baby Gozer.  As in Gozer the Destructor from Ghostbusters.  I told BJ, "I have a feeling that this baby is going to be the one that really ruins my body."  He replied, "Gozer is the Destructor!" and it stuck. 

I'm already showing.  With the third your body kind of goes, "Oh yeah, I remember this," and BAM!  PREGNANT!  None of my clothes fit.  I'm going to be rocking a lot of dresses this summer, I think.

I've had a little bit of bleeding, but I did with the girls, too.  That just seems to be how my body does things.  Otherwise, though, everything is fine so far!

We told the kids on Saturday.  They're pretty excited.

Now you're caught up! And now I can write about what's REALLY on my mind!  YAY!