Do You Have a Favorite?

A friend, who shall remain anonymous, and I had a conversation about having more than one child. She's doing "two under two" too, and her second child is just 5 months old. She asked me, half expecting me to think she was a horrible person, if I have a favorite child.

Immediately, I knew where she was coming from. A five month old is a demanding creature, and other than a few smiles, they give little in return. Meanwhile, Mom feels so guilty that she can't spend the time she wants to, the time she used to, with her oldest child. She misses the oldest, and it's easy to begin to resent the younger child. It's easy to think that you love the younger child less.

"You've known your oldest longer..." I said, and watched relief wash over her. "When your youngest is 2, and you have known him as long as you've known your oldest, you'll feel the same way for your youngest that you do for your oldest right now."

I was listening to a podcast I recently found (thanks Brandon!!) called Radiolab, and they were talking about the self. They hypothesized that who you are is really an unfolding narrative that you tell yourself - you are a story. And so, if you tell yourself that you love one child more, or that you are a bad mother for loving one child more than the other, or even that it's necessary to quantify and measure the amount of love you feel for each child and keep it even - you will make that your truth. You'll obsess over it, and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to keep everything even, lest someone find out how horrible you are for having a favorite to begin with...

Don't tell yourself that story. It's normal to have moments when you like one kid more than another. One will drive you crazy while the other is being a perfect angel. One will be in a phase while the other is having an easy period. But don't confuse "like" with "love." Like is what you feel when they're easy, when they're calm, when they've done something extraordinary, when you're so proud of them you don't know if your heart can take it... Love, I think, is different. Love is what keeps you from losing your mind when they're throwing up on you for the seventh time. Love is what prevents you from giving in to a tantrum, even though you know it would be easier to just give in, because you want them to be good people when they grow up.

"Like" is easy. If I make you cookies, rub your feet, and give you $100, you're probably going to like me. But if I take your cookies, make you step on my toys, and cost you money, and you take care of me anyway? That's love.

We love our kids the same. Very few of us take care of our children to different standards - I'm sure there's some sick person in the world who treats one of her kids like Richie Rich and the other like dirt, but most of us sane people take equal care of our kids - if one gets PB&J, the other gets PB&J. We stay up late taking care of both (or all) of them when they're sick. We do equal amounts of laundry. Love is what we dip into so that we have the strength to do the work of parenting. Love is how we get up and find out why they're crying, quiet them, and go back to bed, even when we haven't slept, ourselves.

Anybody can do "like." And I think "like" comes and goes, it ebbs and flows. But love is constant. Since it's Sunday, I'm going to go all Biblical, and say:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (1 Corinthians 13)

Did you know that in some translations, they use the word "charity" instead of love? When I think of charity, I think of selflessly doing something for someone else. That's what love is. Selflessly doing things for someone else, patiently and kindly, and so on... And it doesn't end. And you can't quantify it or compare it.

It's ok for the "like" to ebb and flow. The love underneath is strong enough to endure.

What do you think? Do you have a favorite?

Something from the Comments

Ryan recently commented on an old post... He said:

My wife and I have a beautiful daughter that is now 11 months. We just found out that we are going to have another baby in July 2009. We really just want to know if it is actually possible to do.

We are very blessed to have 1 and now two.

I think we are just freaking out about money, time with each other, time with our daughter and raising two babies.

I guess what I am asking for is just positive advice. Thank you RYAN

Oh, do I remember that feeling... My oldest, Mary Grace, was 11 months when we found out that we were expecting Claire. I walked out of the bathroom after taking the test, rested my head against the wall and said to my husband, "Oh, dude, it's positive."

I don't ever call BJ "dude."

It was overwhelming. You just figured out how to do the parent thing. You just got to the point where life is starting to resemble your pre-baby "normal," and now you're starting over.

Ugh.

Fear not, Ryan! I am totally here for you.

First, read back through my archives. I've written a lot on having "two under two" and I've labeled it. I also recently found another blog called Baby Bunching that talks about closely spaced kids. They've got good stuff (and I'm going to be featured there tomorrow, so we must all show them much love and click their ads because I want to drive excellent traffic to them so they will feature me often and send their readers here to click my ads - that's how this blogosphere thing works...).

I hope most of what you read here will be positive. Like all parents, I have good days and days when I think "who are all these children and why are they calling me Mommy??" But honestly, now that my kids are 3 years 3 months and 20 months, I LOVE having them close in age and I wouldn't have it any other way...

You specifically mentioned money. There are a lot of ways that you can save. I think that if I had it all to do over again, I'd do cloth diapers. They're better for the environment, and they're reusable. It's a large initial outlay, but in the long run I think they're less expensive. We use Pampers (we've tried off brands, but none of them work as well...) and it is expensive. I try to use coupons, but I am singularly horrible at coupons.

Try to use coupons. Not only can you save on stuff for the kids, you can save on stuff for you, and bring your overall grocery expenses down.

You need to take a good hard look at whether or not daycare is cost effective, if you are both currently working. Look at how much it costs for whoever makes less money to work (gas, clothes, lunches, daycare, etc.) and how much it would cost for that parent to stay home (salary) and see if you can make it work on one salary.

Maybe one of you can work part time, or you could work one shift and she could work another, so that one of you is always home. I know a couple families where Dad works nights and Mom works days. Do you have family members who can watch your kids for less than a traditional day care center? Can you split a shift with a friend - I know of two sisters who both work in a hospital, and they both have sons near the same age. One works Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and the other works Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and they watch each others' kids when they're off. There are lots of creative solutions to the daycare dilemma... It depends a lot on what career you're in and how flexible your bosses are, etc., but it can be done. In our situation, we're self-employed, so I took the kids with me to work for the first 6 or 8 months, then we have a sitter from the nearby university who watches them in our home for 10 - 15 hours a week. Once your kid starts crawling, the "take the baby to work" thing is pretty much over, unless you happen to work in a daycare center (another creative solution!). You just won't get anything done, and it's frustrating for everyone.

If you want to e-mail me at prbabies@gmail.com with specifics, I can try to help you find a solution that will work for your family. I'm no expert, but I am creative, and sometimes it's easier to see solutions when it's not your own problem.

Most of the traditional "how to save money" advice applies... Clip coupons, eat out less (like you'll have time anyway!), shop second hand stores - especially for baby clothes, trade babysitting with a friend instead of paying a sitter (still trying to get my friends on board with this one!! Ahem...), exploit your family for free sitting, etc.

You didn't mention your feeding choice for your first child, but breastfeeding is free. I tandem nursed (nursed MG through my pregnancy and for 9 months I nursed both of them) and I hated every minute of it. Ok, that's a little harsh, but it was really hard. If I could go back, I would've weaned MG while I was pregnant. I had a lot of pain nursing her when I was pregnant, and I felt like a dairy cow for the better part of a year (still do - I've been pregnant, nursing, or both for 4 solid years this month. Yikes).

I made my own babyfood most of the time with both kids (the Magic Bullet blender made it easy to just smush up some of whatever we were eating for the baby). That's another good way to save some money.

As far as time with each other, don't forget that babies sleep (most of the time.... MG is the exception that proves the rule). If you get the kids to bed at 8, you've got a good couple of hours to spend with each other. One of our favorite things to do, especially when the kids were even smaller, is to get take out from a restaurant and bring it home. That way, we can enjoy the benefits of going out (someone else cooks, minimal cleanup if you eat out of the takeout boxes) without dealing with having two small kids in a restaurant! Now that Claire (our youngest) is 20 months old, we actually have the ability to go out like real grownups. Not that we do, often, but we can. We usually end up going out with other people. It's not that we don't like each other, it just tends to work out that way. Again, exploit relatives for babysitting. If you don't have a local grandparent, you really need to get one. Beg, steal, or borrow someone who loves your kids and will take excellent care of them and give them treats so that you and your wife can go out.

As far as time with your daughter goes, you can spend time with her without her being the only kid present. The time you spend together as a family of four will be just as special to her as the one on one time. She'll be so young when the baby comes, after a couple weeks she won't really remember what life was like pre-baby, and it'll be normal for her to have to share you guys with her sibling. It's good for her to have to share you guys. A lot of people suggest that young kids deal better with the addition of a sibling than older kids do.

Don't forget that she won't really be a baby anymore by the time your second child comes along. She'll be almost two. She'll be talking, walking, eating real food, going on playdates, maybe even starting preschool* soon. She'll actually be a big help. MG, from the beginning, has LOVED to help with her sister. She fetches diapers for me and throws out the old ones (Claire, at 20 months, is starting to throw things away too, so I am sure that I'm not misremembering). They play together (closely supervised at first, but less so as they get older and more trustworthy). I remember in the beginning I'd put Claire in the bouncy seat on the floor of the bathroom while I took a shower, and MG would talk to her and sing to her and entertain her. It wasn't like when MG was little and I'd try to shower, and she'd scream the whole time because she was lonely.

* If not preschool, look for a Mommy's Time Out program. Our church runs one where you can drop off a kid for 2.5 hours for $6 during the day. I do this with Claire about once every two weeks, while MG is at preschool, so that I can have time for myself where I'm not supposed to go to work. BLISS. Worth every cent of the $6, for sure.

Do your best to get them on a nap schedule that allows for a break for mom (or whoever stays home) during the day. When Claire was smaller she took a morning nap and an afternoon nap, and MG would nap at the same time during the afternoon nap (and we had quality time together during morning nap). Now that Claire is down to one nap, they both nap after lunch. MG takes a nap every second day, so we still have that quality time on the off days when she won't sleep.

I just asked BJ what advice he would give you, and he said, "Relax, it's not nearly as hard as it is the first time. You have 100% more experience than you had before. He also says 'don't do cloth diapers.'" I think he's right on the first thing, anyway. I have really enjoyed being a second time parent more. With your first, people are CONSTANTLY giving you advice, and you don't have enough of your own experience to say, "No thanks, our way works just fine..." so you feel like you have to listen to everyone, and everyone's advice conflicts with everyone else's, and you feel a lot like you're trying to navigate a brand new area with twelve different maps, and none of the maps are the same. Now, when people give me advice (or the stink eye) I can point to my oldest and say, "She's doing fabulously and we are doing the same stuff, so chances are great the Claire will be fabulous too."

It's not as hard as you think it's going to be, and it's a lot more fun than you can possibly imagine. Congratulations on your new baby!! You are going to be just fine. And in your darkest hours, think of my friend Casey - her two younger children are only 13 months apart!! Or my aunt Gayle, who had Bridget, then 10 months later had Alex, then 10 months later had Chris. WOW. They're grown and have kids of their own, now, and she still hasn't recovered!

What should I put in my diaper bag?

I check SiteMeter to see how people are finding me every couple of days. One of the most frequent searches I see is "pack diaper bag" or "diaper bag contents" or "what should I pack in my diaper bag?"

I am here for you, Parents of the Internet. I am here.

The answer depends a lot on the age of your baby/ies, how many of them there are, where you're going, how long you'll be there, and what you'll be doing.

For everyday outings, though, to the store and whatnot, you need the following, minimum, no matter what the age:

• Diapers
• Wipes
• Drinks
• Distractions

Let's go point by point...

Diapers

With two kids in them, I tote around a lot of diapers. A lot. The best rule of thumb I've found is to take 2 diapers for every 4 hours you plan to be gone (minimum number of diapers per kid = 2). I use a gallon sized Ziplock bag to keep them from getting all bunched up in the bottom of my bag. I can also squeeze out the air, so they take up less space.

I always take too many diapers for overnight trips. When you take a full package, they're nice and compact and squashed together, and you don't have to worry about running out.

Wipes

You can never have too many wipes. They're not just for butts. (That should totally be their slogan - "Pampers Wipes! Not just for butts!") They are handy for wiping hands and faces, cleaning up spills, cooling off a hot kid, cooling off a hot mama, and about ten zillion other things. Trouble is that pre-moistened wipes get heavy. A brick of wipes weighs as much as, well, as much as a brick.

I carry a "diaper bag sized" hard case in my bag, with 10 - 20 wipes crammed in it (I refill mine) and then I keep a full sized box of wipes in the car, because you never know... You just never know.

Drinks

I don't know what it's like where you are, but it's hot and muggy in Indiana. Maybe it's just my kids, but nothing gets them fussy faster than being thirsty. If we stopped at McDonald's for a chocolate milk or a pop every time my kids get thirsty, we would rapidly go broke. I don't leave home without sippy cups. It's cheaper. It's environmentally friendlier. It keeps my kids from losing their tiny minds. I will take a quick trip without diapers, say to the pharmacy when they've just been changed, but I never go anywhere without sippy cups. I even keep extras (those thin plastic take and toss ones are a good choice for this) in the car, because it's cheaper to buy one big drink and divide it than it is to buy a bunch of little drinks. And Claire hasn't quite mastered the cup and straw.

Distractions

Kids have very little patience for waiting in line, running errands, and grocery shopping. That's why every good diaper bag has a few distractions in it. Crayons are good. I keep a bunch of Happy Meal toys (espeically those with wheels) in mine - they're small, they're light, and no one is going to need therapy if we lose them. My kids also love Tic Tacs, so I've been keeping those in the bag lately (I'm aware that they're a choking hazard, but if it buys Mommy 3 minutes of peace before Claire starts saying, "Mo! Mo!!" then it's all good). Mommy's iPod is also a good distraction. One of my Tweets today was that the kids' song to Mommy's song ratio on my iPod is about 7:1. That makes me feel so old. It's good to rotate your distractions regularly, because no kid is going to be entertained by the same Hot Wheels Happy Meal toy for 3 days in a row.

Snacks are also a good distraction. Keep it healthy with the individual boxes of raisins. We also like the fruit snacks that come in packages of 10, even though they're not fruit. 100 calorie packs are the big thing, lately, and they're just about right for a kid-sized snack, too.

"It can't be that simple!" I hear you say. "This bag I bought has 10,000 compartments - I can't just need four things!"

Well, of course, if you're bottle feeding, you'll need the bottle stuff. If you're going to be gone during a meal, you'll need food and/or utensils. Maybe a bib.

And some of the pockets can be for your stuff, eliminating the need to carry a baby, a diaper bag, and a separate purse.

But I promise, that's all you really need, if you have a car.

I keep everything, and I do mean everything, in big plastic totes in my car. I have extra toys, books, a first aid kit, infant and child formula medications, bungee cords, sun screen, emergency food, a small fire extinguisher, and about 10,000 other miscellaneous things. I would rather trek back to the car to grab something I need, occasionally, than become a hunchback from carrying everything I could possibly ever need all the time.

That said, there are things that I've found that are handy to have on hand, if you still have room in your bag (or car):

• "Feminine products" (I stick mine in the Ziplock with the diapers)
• Handy Sacks - you can find these at Walmart in the check out lane, they're blue, it's a little bag, about the size of a graham cracker, that has plastic bags inside it. These are really handy for stinky diapers
• Hand sanitizer
• A small tube of sunscreen (or buy a big one and get a refillable travel sized container, save money, less waste, cheaper)
• Off makes insect repellant wipes. Those have come in handy.
• A small notebook or Post-It Notes and pen to combat Mommy-brain
• Kleenex
• A baby nail trimmer (because sometimes they fall asleep in the car seat, and you can get 'em while they're unconscious and avoid all the screaming)
• Orajel, or whatever you use for teething pain
• A nail file (no MacGyver use, here, I just always seem to need one)
• A nasal aspirator (or nose-sucker), if your baby is small and/or stuffy (we got caught without one of these, once, and while I'm not going to tell you what I did to fix the situation, I can pretty much guarantee that you don't want to kiss me on the mouth ever again
• An umbrella
• A sling (oh, I loved my slings, and I am so sad that Claire has outgrown them. They were so easy and so handy and so cozy)
• A camera (I traded in my DSLR for a pocket-sized point and shoot so that I can have it with me all the time)
• Cell phone (is there anyone left who doesn't have a cell phone? Certainly none of the parents I know!)
• Wallet
• Keys
• Spare keys because kids love to play with keys but you don't want them to play with your real keys because they tend to drop them down sewers so give them all those anonymous keys that every junk drawer has, on a pretty keychain, and just calmly wave bye-bye if they go down the hole
• Address book/PDA/etc. our phone company puts out a small yellow-pages-only phone book that is so handy - it lives in my car
• List of emergency numbers (if you don't have an address book/PDA, at least write down all the important numbers in your life and carry it with you, so that if something happens, you don't have to rely on your memory when you're under stress)
• Medical info. Mary Grace is allergic to amoxicillin, for example. That's pretty easy to remember, even with Mommy brain, but if you have more than one allergy to remember, maybe you should write them down. You know. Just in case. Check these out for the emergency numbers/medical info. I think they're so cute, and you can make your own.
  

See, the bag's starting to get heavy now. It's getting silly. What you ought to do is keep most of this stuff in the car (except for the big four) to begin with, and if you find that you're constantly running out to the car to get something, stick it in your bag. If you have something in your bag that you never use, stick it in your car.

"But Amy," you cry, "I live in the big city! I walk everywhere! I don't have a car to use as a giant diaper bag!!"

Well, ok, you're hosed. You're just going to have to suck it up and carry the industrial sized duffel bag diaper bag. Maybe you should make like a flight attendant and get one of those wheely suitcases. At the very least, you want to get a good stroller that has a bin underneath for carrying stuff, otherwise you're going to break your back. I take the stroller along all the time, but the kids are rarely in it. I use it like a grocery cart, to haul all our crap. I'd rather carry my kids than my junk, right? And if we have a stroller with us, I always know where everything is. And it has cup holders. I have the Graco Travel System thing (with the infant bucket and the stroller) and it has served me well through two kids, and I love it.

The good thing about being in the city is that there is always a drug store or something nearby, so you don't necessarily have to have everything on hand that you would need for a walk through the desert or something.

What am I forgetting? What do you have in your diaper bag?

Two Under Two and Food

This topic isn't necessarily specific to the issue of having two kids under two, but it seems to keep coming up and I really believe that I must address it. I'm pretty sure I can bring it around to the two under two issue, here...

If you're pregnant, and your right-around-one year old has been happily cruising around, eating his body weight in food every day like some sort of deranged hummingbird, are you in for a surprise when the baby comes! Because, you see, nature has a sense of humor. Nature is not to be messed with. It will get you. In fact, nature is probably trying to kill you right now... but in the meantime it wants to have a good laugh at your expense.

Enter the new baby. Your old baby is going to go through a host of rapid lifestyle changes, which will include (but not be limited to) not being the center of the universe anymore. Right around the same time, his little metabolism is going to take a serious nosedive, and he will stop eating.

If you are like me, and if you keep coming back I assume that you are at least a little bit like me, otherwise you wouldn't "get" me at all... you will blame yourself for this new development and become convinced that you have ruined his little life by having another baby, and that he has gone all Gandhi on you and will hunger-strike himself to death.

I know. I have been there. And let me tell you, Sister, all those post-partum hormones don't do you a bit of good when it comes to the guilt.

Which brings me back around to my actual point, which is so crucial to all parental happiness everywhere that I don't feel the slightest bit silly about putting it in bold text:

People, we need to Let It Go when it comes to our kids and food.

"Amy," I hear you say, "that's easy for you to say. Mary Grace thinks that tomatoes are a snack food."

Yes, I am blessed with two good eaters, but I'll tell you this. I think if you have a picky eater, you need to Let It Go Even More when it comes to your picky kid and food.

Let me back up and qualify this with the following self-reflective explanations. I have thought long and hard about food because I have a totally unhealthy relationship with it, myself. This unhealthy relationship has absolutely nothing to do with anything that my mother, father, or any other well meaning relative has ever said or done to me, so just relax. However, I am a really good cook, I come from a really long line of really good cooks, and I like food. A lot. And food likes me. And we are very fat and happy together.

I like fattening things, too, like chocolate and butter and cream cheese and every other cheese. I would vote for Ben and Jerry if they ran for president. I have had creme brulee that was more moan inducing than, well, this is a family blog, but you get the idea. If I were any more passionate about food, I'd be Italian.

BJ will nod and laugh when he reads this - I show people that I love them by feeding them. There is something very primal and satisfying, for me, about preparing a meal for my family and watching them enjoy it. The first Christmas gift I ever gave BJ had a strong chocolate and coffee theme. I cooked for him for our first Valentine's day (Hawaiian chicken). One of our best early dates was the picnic we took to Columbian Park (chicken and ranch pasta salad). Who else remembers meals that they ate 11 years ago?

Food figures prominently in all my memories of family and happiness and love and togetherness and closeness (deviled eggs, shrimp with cocktail sauce, grandma's coffee, heart-attack potatoes, Kathy's crescent rolls, peanut butter cookies, Welsh cookies, orange bowknots...). I can not imagine a family get together without food (and, more recently, wine, which makes family get togethers even more fun than they used to be).

Because I love my kids an awful lot, my natural tendency is to feed them an awful lot. This is fine when they're in the hummingbird phases, but it's not so good when they're in the photosynthesizing phases that all kids go through - the ones where they can happily live on Ovaltine and sunshine for three months, and still maintain their growth chart percentiles.

Therefore, I knew early on that I was going to have to rope it in, when it comes to food, if I didn't want to have to roll my kids to preschool. I remember discussing it with BJ before we even had kids - I think he was mad at me for giving Max too many scraps, and he said, "Our kids are going to be enormous if you feed them like this..."

He was right. I can't throw pieces of bacon under the table for the kids at breakfast. And since Purina doesn't make Human Baby Chow (yet), I needed to figure out a way to have a healthy relationship with food for my kids.

MG and C are clearly healthy, so I think I've done a very good job, so far, even though I tend to say, "Want a cookie?" more often than I probably should.

Here's what I have learned, and that is important when it comes to Letting It Go. 1) Toddlers generally eat one "good" meal a day, and they graze the rest of the day. 2) Even though they may have entire days where they refuse to eat anything but (fill in the blank), left to their own devices, toddlers will actually self-select a reasonably healthy diet over the course of a week or so.

I have compiled a list of Dos and Don'ts for toddler eating, which I will present to you now. Picture me as Moses, coming down from the mountain...

1. Thou shalt not force thy child to eat.
2. Thou shalt provide nutritious food for thine offspring.
3. Thou shalt not require that thy child clean his plate.
4. Thou shalt request that thy child try one bite of each offering (because it takes like 700 exposures before kids realize that they like some things... I'm still at 632 for a few things, myself, like Brussels sprouts... Ugh!)
5. Thou shalt not make a federal case of it if thy child refuses to try one bite.
6. Thou shalt allow thy child to have a peanut butter sandwich if he pronounces thy dinner "yucky."
7. Thou shalt not take it personally, even if thou hast slavethed all day.
8. Thou shalt serve one thing at every meal that thou knowest thy child will eat.
9. Thou shalt remember that no child has ever starvethed himself to death.
10. Thou shalt Let It Go.

Supernanny can go jump. That authoritarian little limey has some serious power issues going on. I think she only became a Nanny so that she would be the tallest person in the room, personally. And is there a University of Nanny anywhere? I don't think so. If you want to raise a mutant army of little robots who can't think for themselves and talk funny, be my guest. If you want your kids to speak to you after they leave the house, tell Supernanny to bugger off, and follow my advice. After all, I went to college and studied child development, applied behavioral analysis, etc. etc. etc. I am Supermommy, hear me roar.

And seriously... Little Gandhi is not going to starve himself in protest of his new sibling. He's fine. It's just a coincidence. Let It Go.

Get OUT!

As part of our ongoing Two Under Two series, I need to share the comment I just left over at ParentDish on getting out of the house with two under two. Here's the original post:

I used to think it was such a challenge to get out the door with one kid -- now I realize just how good I had it. One toddler, what's the big deal? Make sure he doesn't have a load in his diaper, throw a sippy cup full of juice in your purse and you're good to go.

Now, of course, going anywhere with an older kid and a 7-week-old is a Very Big Deal indeed. There's the strategic baby-feeding, where you try and get him to eat close enough to your departure time that he doesn't get hungry again two seconds into the outing, but not SO close that he spits up all over the carseat. You have to consider what you're going to do with him if you plan to leave the car -- haul the carseat? Put him in a carrier? -- and dress him accordingly. His pooping schedule is totally unpredictable so you'd best be packing at least one diaper change, and maybe an extra outfit if things go Horribly Awry, and a blanket or two, and a bottle (for our bottle-feeding kid, anyway), and some burp rags, and . . .

It can be tempting to just pre-emptively give up and stay home, at least I often feel that way. There was a brief respite in Seattle's unpleasant "spring" weather this afternoon and my husband and I decided to take Riley to a nearby playground. Ten minutes into our baby-prepping, while holding a cranky baby who was hungry but taking forever to make it through a feeding, JB sighed with frustration and said forget it, he'd stay home with Dylan and I could take Riley by myself. I said dude I feel your pain but if we don't soldier through this kind of crap we will NEVER GO ANYWHERE AS A FAMILY. I said it in all caps, just like that.

Eventually we made it out the door, and all four of us hung out at the playground. For about five minutes, anyway, until the wind and rain picked up and I took Dylan back to the car to wait while Riley and his dad hit the swings.

You do what you have to do, right? This stage doesn't last forever, so people remind me. For those of you with more than one rugrat, did you find it challenging to step back into some of the more pain-in-the-butt baby routines, or was it easier the second time around?

Advanced prep is the key. Keep everything you can in the car. When mine were really little (19 months and newborn, on up until the big one was two) I kept a bag of diapers for each kid in the car. I also kept a spare outfit for each kid in the car (at least until we got past that blowout phase with the baby, at about 6 months, when their poops firm up with solid food). That way, you only have to carry the baby to the car (hold the big one's hand).

This is how I do it at my house... I get myself ready first. I put everything we're going to need (including sippy cups, my bag - which is a combo purse/diaper bag for both kids, keys, phone, etc.) on the table by the door. Then I get the big one ready - change diaper, shoes, coat (I do the shoes and coat on the changing table, so she doesn't have a chance to run off). Grab the little one, diaper her, coat on. Walk by the table, grab the stuff, go. I hold the big one's hand, carry the little one, tell the big one to get in while I strap the baby in, then walk around and strap in the big one. I've got it down to a 10 minute process, after a year of practice. You will too. (Oh my, she was so little in that video! I can't believe how much she's changed!)

My car (ok, it's a minivan, but I haven't accepted that, yet, so I call it "my car") is insane, though, I have toys, food, books, blankets, carriers, etc. etc. etc. Everything you could imagine - even a first aid kit and a roll of paper towels. I am Prepared with a capital P. The stroller and slings stay in the car, always, unless I am using them inside. If we go for a walk, we get the stroller out of the car and return it to the car when we're done. That way it is always there when I need it, one less thing to deal with.

I'm doing a series of posts on having Two Under Two at my blog - please come check it out for tips. The main thing is this: it will get easier when the weather gets warm. It will get easier still as the little one gains head control. Don't stay home all day. How sad. You can do it. What is there to be afraid of? What's the worst thing that could happen? Someone spazzes in public? So what? Tantrums happen. Get over yourself. Ask for help - people are a lot nicer than you think. Find a little old lady and say, "Hey, I need to deal with this spazzing toddler, can you stand here and mind the baby for a minute, and I'll be back in a flash..." then go put the toddler in your car, bring it around to the door, flip your hazards on, load the baby, kiss the old lady, and you're good. It'll be better next time. The only thing that helps you improve your technique is practice.

I can't imagine sitting home all day. I would lose my effing mind.

***

The bit about staying home all day was in reply to a previous comment, where someone said, "People kept asking me why I didn't get out of the house more with my toddler and my baby. I wanted to kick them. I tried it on my own *once.* That was enough for me. We drove to the Y so they could go to mini-care and I could workout. Baby was fine, but heavy to carry in her seat. Toddler had a meltdown about something or other and had to be CARRIED back to the car. OMG. Hell on earth to try to carry a workout bag, a diaper bag, a car seat and a toddler. So I stayed inside the house from then on."

You know what, the first batch of homemade brownies I made sucked. They were overcooked on the edges, and I tried to melt chocolate chips on top, but they stuck to the top of the brownies, and made an awful mess... And when the chocolate hardened you could've broken a tooth. But I tried a second time, and a third, and eventually I started to figure it out and I got it right, and now I make really excellent brownies. We learn by doing, so DO! You can do it!

Two Under Two: I need YOU!

I've mentioned this to some of you, but here is the official announcement:

I am writing a book about having two kids under two.

I have 9 pages of outline, which should be at least 100 pages when I flesh it out and tell all the stories I want to tell along with the bare bones of the outline. I already have 14 pages of actual text written.

This is the farthest I have ever gotten into anything I've written on my own (without a professor and a due date looming).

So, Karen, Jenny M., Jenny B, ChicMama, Katy, and Abrar - you're already getting copies of the outline via e-mail. I want you to turn on the tracking in your copy of word (tools -> track changes or Ctrl+shift+e) and fill in the blanks. Put in things you think I'm missing, personal anecdotes, stories, examples, hints, tips, suggestions, product recommendations, etc. etc. etc. If anyone else wants to take a whack at my outline, email me at prbabies@gmail.com (this means you, Abrar, because I don't have your e-mail address!!) and I will send it to you, too. The more the merrier!!

I've gotten such an overwhelming response to the Two Under Two posts. I really think that I'm being led to write this book.

I'll keep you posted!

It's almost like I'm psychic

I am a pretty frequent commenter over at Parent Dish. On Saturday, Linda posed the question, "When was the last time you were up all night with sick kids?" In my comment, I said...

I don't want to think about being up in the middle of the night with my kids, because if I think, "Wow, we haven't done that in a while..." they'll be up puking tonight. You can bank on it.

Sure enough, last night I was up at 3 am with Claire. She has come down with some kind of cold, she had a low grade fever, and her eye was stuck shut this morning.

I really hate being right, sometimes. At least there was no puking.

At the same time, it reminded me that I need to add the following to my two under two series....

Two Under Two and the Flu

I'm using "the flu" in the old school sense - the stomach virus sense. Technically, I guess I mean gastroenteritis, but that's really hard to spell and it doesn't rhyme.

Few things strike fear into the heart of a Mommy like the sound of retching. At the first "bleuchhhhh..." you begin to write off everything you had planned to accomplish for the rest of the week. As time goes on, you begin to forget what it was like to have healthy kids, and start to wonder if it is some kind of SuperVirus that you will never get rid of. You think of taking the kids to the doctor, but realize that they're just going to charge you $20 to tell you that there's nothing they can do (or worse, depending on your insurance), so you skip it, but you feel like a terrible mother and wonder if maybe it isn't the flu... Maybe they have something awful, like leukemia, and just as you start to really panic and pick up the phone to dial the doctor to make an appointment, you start to throw up yourself. The good news is that your kid doesn't have leukemia, but the bad news? You've got two under two and the flu, too.

So, what do you do with two under two and the flu, when you have the flu, too? (ok, enough Dr. Seuss).

Here is my sage advice... Ready?

Go to bed.

Seriously, you are going to accomplish nothing. Everyone feels like dirt. Pile yourself and your two babies into the bed. Take the following:

• an "emesis basin" (or, in our case, a stainless steel mixing bowl to hurl into)
• any children's books that you have memorized, so that you can "read" to your child while she turns the pages, eliminating the need to open your eyes
• videos, or the TV remote - now is not the time to have opinions about children and television. You're in survival mode, sister. Use any tools you have, including the boob tube
• Sprite or 7-Up, at room temperature is fine, and a glass or sippy for everyone
• suckers to get the nasty taste out of mouths after puke
• a box if Saltines
  
• beach towels

Huh? Beach towels? Yeah, seriously. Put a beach towel down across your bed so that it is under the head and shoulders of all parties who are puking. That way, when someone hurls and you miss it (and you will miss it), you have a chance at catching it on the towel and not having to wash all the sheets and blankets. Last time we had the flu, we would just get everything washed and put back together, and someone would hurl again. I did laundry constantly for something awful like four days.

If you have a mother or mother-in-law who can come down and help you, beg. Offer her money if necessary. Last time we had the flu, BJ was on a business trip and his mom came down to save me. Of course, she came down with it, too, but by then I was feeling better so it all worked out.

One thing that you don't want to do is put any kind of medicine on the nightstand with all your other supplies, because those child proof packages aren't child proof, they are child resistant, which is a completely different thing. If you're half passed out and in a fever-induced stupor, you may not notice that Junior has eaten his way through a whole bottle of Tylenol until it's too late, so don't take the chance. I've heard that you're actually supposed to keep all medication - both prescription and non-prescription - under lock and key, but that seems pretty extreme to me. For now, we're just keeping them well out of reach. You'll just have to get up every 4 - 6 hours or so.

So, that's my advice. Lower your standards, go to bed, and don't get up until you're feeling better. If one kid starts to feel better before the rest of you, bring in some quiet toys and shut the bedroom door - let her play on the floor (and watch videos) until everyone catches up. Mary Grace has been a big fan of my iPod lately, and that would be a good idea if your older child is the one who's better. Let her groove to her tunes (I have a "Kid Tunes" playlist on mine) while you recoup.

Be well!!

Two Under Two: How to say, "I still love you"

Sorry I've been quiet. I'm in a colossally bad mood today. Claire's teething, I've been sick for a month, everyone else on the planet has some variant of the flu, too, so we can't go anywhere... Sometimes there just isn't enough Zoloft, you know? If winter doesn't go away soon, I'm not sure if I'll have any mental health left.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about helping your older child adjust to a new baby. This is specifically challenging when your older child is under two, as Mary Grace was, when the new baby is born. All of the big sister/big brother classes and many of the books were for older kids. And she was so little, I had a lot of fears that she just would not understand all the changes that were about to rock her little world.

Being myself, I read a lot online. One thing that really stuck with me was this, "Imagine that your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much and I'm so happy with our life together that I went out and got another wife to come live with us, share all your stuff, and share my attention!' and then expected you to be happy about it."

Ouch.

In reality, it wasn't at all like that, so if you're pregnant please disregard everything I just said. You have to remember that kids love other kids more than adults love other adults. It's true. Have you ever seen two kids who just met go off and play like they're best friends? It happens every time we go to the park. I mean, there's a reason why kids don't need Match.com to find friends.

You have to remember that in giving your child a sibling, you really are giving her a gift. Most people enjoy their siblings and have good relationships with them. Even if they're not close, they're usually positive relationships. Although, honestly, I'm thinking of several readers whose siblings are complete pains in the ass... But even if your sibling is a pain in the ass, you wouldn't have wanted to not have them, right? (Megan and Chuck, don't answer that).

Ok, you're just going to have to take it on faith for a while that your kids are going to like each other, for the most part. Because I honestly believe that your attitude goes a long way toward creating your child's attitude (not just about the baby, but about lots of things). If you are constantly saying, "I know you don't like life now that the baby's here, but he's not going anywhere so you're just going to have to cope!" you're going to create a different climate than if you say, "I know this is a big change, but I promise that some day you're going to be best friends." My mom used to guilt the hell out of us (oh, yes, you did!). When we fought she would say, in that voice, "Megan is the only sister you are ever going to have," or "You may be angry at Chuck, but family is family no matter what..." and so on. It worked, and Megan and Chuck and I are very close (closer than most sibling groups I know of, honestly), so I am already giving Mary Grace and Claire the business. Claire is particularly susceptible to the guilt.

If your older child is under two, and you're pregnant, you also have to remember that your older child is going to be much bigger by the time the baby comes. The changes that happen between one and two years old are every bit as profound as the changes that happen from birth to one. It'll be a whole different ballgame, by the time the baby shows up, so don't waste a lot of time worrying about how you're ever going to manage it with two. Especially don't think about this when your older kid is having a bad day. You're just going to stress yourself out. You'll handle it. It'll be fine.

So, what do you do? Well, start when you're pregnant. Talk about the baby in Mommy's tummy. If you're adopting, talk to your older child about how cool it will be to have a new baby in the house, and explain that you're going to be bringing the baby home soon. You don't just want to spring it on the poor kid when you come home from the hospital, or just show up with a baby some random day... Even very small kids can understand that another baby is coming. By the time I was showing, MG was able to point at my tummy when I said, "Where's the baby?"

I think you should wait until you're showing to start talking to the soon-to-be-older-brother or sister about her soon-to-be-born baby sibling. For one thing, you don't want to have to explain miscarriage to a toddler, if, God forbid, something bad happens. For another, 9 months feels like eternity to a kid, why make them wait that long for something really cool like a new baby to show up? Finally, it's a lot more real once you start showing than it is in the abstract, "there's a microscopic baby in there somewhere" days. I think your kiddo is much more likely to understand if there's evidence. Unless you're spending the entire day with your head in the toilet, in which case you might say, "Mommy doesn't feel good right now, but she'll be better soon and then we'll get a baby!"

And if you're spending the entire day with your head in the toilet and chasing a small child, you have my deepest, deepest sympathies.

Our kids share a room, so this wasn't an issue for us, but you definitely want to get the nursery ready ahead of time so that your older child can get used to the changes in your home. In our case, we put MG in a toddler bed (BIG mistake - skip it and get a twin, thank me later) so that Claire could have a crib. If I had it to do over, I think we'd have kept MG in the crib, but anyway... What did I know then? That's why I'm telling you this now that I'm an expert. Ha. Basically, my new theory is, "until the child climbs out of the crib under her own power and hits the floor, she should sleep in the crib." If that means that Claire sleeps in the crib until she's 11, I'm fine with that.

I really liked Dr. Sears' book, What Baby Needs and MG did too, but BJ says it's preachy. If you're not into "attachment parenting" (which is just shorthand for breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, and that sort of thing) you won't like it. I don't think it matters much what book you read to your toddler, as long as it's positive. You don't want to go with the classic Mommy's Knocked Up and Your Life is Now Over.

Anyway, we read Sears' book over and over and over, to the point where we were hiding it behind the couch because we just couldn't take it anymore, but it worked. (What do you mean you don't hide books behind the couch after you've read them eleventy thousand times?) By the time Claire arrived, MG had a good understanding of what baby needs, including why they cry (she would even guess, "She's hungry," or "She's lonely," if I asked her why Claire was crying. She was often right, too, which I found interesting. Maybe she still understood "newborn"?). I think reading the books (there were others, too. There are thousands on Amazon) really helped to prepare her for her sister.

I also spent some time teaching Mary Grace skills that she would need when the new baby came. I taught her to "practice coming back" to me at the park. I'd let her get 20 feet away (in a safe area, of course), then I'd say, "Hey Mary Grace, practice coming back!" and I'd get down in a squat and put my arms out, as if to hug her, and she would run back to me, laughing. This has been really handy at the store, the mall, the park, in parking lots, and virtually everywhere else. I also praised the heck out of her for staying with me when she did.

I read a tip online that said to teach your child to hold her hand against a spot (draw a circle on the car with the dust, and say, "Keep your hand here!") which has been handy, too, although I don't have to use it often because I get Claire out first, then MG, and then I put MG back in first, and then Claire (because Claire is contained in the cart, the stroller, or the sling, and MG isn't).

Another important skill that she needed to learn before Claire was born was to wait. When she was my only, it wasn't a big deal to do what she wanted me to do when she wanted me to do it. She didn't have to wait for a drink, or a snuggle, or a book, or anything. By adding the simple phrases, "In just a minute," and "Thanks for waiting so patiently!" well before Claire was born, she was already used to waiting and it wasn't so traumatic to have to wait until Mommy was done with Claire before she could have my attention (or a drink or a story or whatever).

One thing we did right (rare with me, so I like to shout it from the rooftops when I do actually do something right) was that we asked MG to be our "big helper" from the beginning. I would let her stand on a little stool and watch when I changed Claire. I would ask her to bring Claire toys and books. She felt involved, and therefore I don't think she felt left out.

When I was pregnant I started singing the Cuppycake song (with slightly modified lyrics*) to Mary Grace. I told her that it was our special song, and that I wouldn't sing it with the baby, it was just ours. True to my word, I haven't ever sung that song to Claire or called her "Cuppycake" (I have called her Mary Claire more than once, but cut me some slack, it's called sleep deprivation). Claire has her own song, now, too, and when she cries, Mary Grace sings it to her. Awwww...

Believe it or not, the sibling rivalry doesn't start right away. There's an adjustment period, with two under two, of a couple weeks, then there's the usual newborn nightmare which lasts about 3 months - but you have that even with a single. After a couple weeks, your toddler won't remember what life was like before the baby came. The real fun starts when the baby starts to move around, take toys, and express herself. Claire can say "mine" at 11 months. If MG takes something from her, Claire will scream, yell, "mine," or sometimes both. We've been really struggling with this lately, and I'll talk about it more next time (because this post is long enough).

As ever, if you have any questions, comments, criticism, suggestions, etc. don't hesitate to leave them in the comments. I LOVE comments.

(This post is dedicated to my aunt Gayle, who had three kids in two years, before she figured out what was causing it!)


*Our lyrics are:
You're my honeybunch, pumpkin,
Noodle oodle oodle,
You're my sweetie pie.
You're my cuppycake gumdrop,
Munchie unchie unchkin,
The apple of my eye.
And I love you so,
And I want you to know,
That I'll always be right here (point to her heart)
And I love to sing you silly silly songs (tickle)
Because you are so dear!

Things I would like to put on Claire's to-do list

1) Grow hair past awkward length
2) Develop a healthy fear of/respect for cat
3) Learn to ignore the temptation that is the dog
4) Figure out how to hold still for 20 seconds so I can have diaper changed
5) Understand gravity and how it relates to me, the stairs, and falling off of the bed.

Claire is going to be ONE in two weeks. Can you believe it? Gosh, when I think about how terrified we were last year at this time... I still have the scars on my feet from scratching them raw. I kept chanting to myself, "We were terrified when I was pregnant with Mary Grace, and on bed rest, and everything turned out fine, and this will too..." over and over. But wow, was I relieved when she proved me right.

It's funny, sometimes, how you don't realize how badly you want a baby until the pregnancy is threatened. I was really scared about being the mother of two kids under two. I wasn't sure I could handle it. But when it came down to it, when we thought we might lose her, I realized that she was already a part of our family from the beginning, and suddenly I couldn't imagine life without her. And now that she's talking, saying, "kitty kitty cat," and chasing Kona all over the house, climbing up the stairs in 5 seconds flat, signing and eating big girl food and getting to the point where she's more a little kid than a baby, I can't remember what I was ever so afraid of. Having two kids is infinitely more fun than having one. I love watching the two girls together. I love knowing that they'll have each other, to be best friends with as they grow.

How to do Two: Nap (and nursing)

I have been really excited about the response to my "How to do Two" series. I think other expectant second time moms are running into the same problem I did, which is that there just isn't a whole lot of information out there on the logistics of having two small children! I'm really pleased to be able to fill that gap.

One of the scariest parts of having two small children is that you think you will never sleep again. When you think this, you are actually right. Sorry. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you're hosed. You'll be up with the baby. Then you'll finally get the baby to sleep, and the big one will wake up. Then you'll get the big one to sleep, and the baby will wake up. Then you'll finally get them both to sleep, and your husband will be snoring. It's enough to make your hair turn white (or fall out altogether, if your hormones are anything like mine).

Your only defense is to nap. Remember all those times people told you to "sleep when the baby sleeps" with your first child? And you ignored them and knitted cute little booties and sweaters while your precious older child napped. Yeah, me neither. I've always been good at naps. I get it from my dad. But how do you nap with two?

I'm a big proponent of breastfeeding. I nursed MG while I was pregnant with Claire and after Claire was born - until she was 28 months old, actually. If I had had a brain in my head I would have weaned her when I was pregnant. Yes, La Leche League, you heard me. Sure, it's possible to tandem nurse. It's also possible, in a technical sense, to put your head in between the door and the wall and then slam the door 100 times. Just because someone can do something doesn't mean that she should.

I went to the LLL for advice, and frankly, I found it lacking. They made me feel like the Worst Mother Ever for wanting to wean MG before she self-weaned (honest to God, if I let her she would nurse until she went to college). They made it competitive. You thought the guilt to nurse to begin with was intense, and it paled in comparison to this. Ugh-ly.

I half-heartedly tried to wean her a few times while I was pregnant, and I secretly hoped that my milk would dry up and she'd self-wean (it did, she didn't). Then when I had Claire her little life was so upheaved that I didn't want to take that away from her too, and we ended up tandem nursing for 9 months. (In other words, my body was supporting two kids for 18 months - 9 of pregnant with C, nursing MG, and 9 of nursing them both. I have been pregnant, nursing, or both since November of 2004!!!).

Here's how that worked - I determined which breast was the better producer and I only nursed Claire on that side. I nursed MG on the other side. If I felt like Claire didn't have enough, it was nice to be able to nurse her on MG's side for back up.

Yes, it is possible to nurse two children. After all, for most of human history mothers of twins didn't have any choice. You will be thirsty all the time. You will need lots of lotion and chapstick, because you will feel dehydrated constantly. It's like living in your own personal Arizona. You will eat like a horse. You probably won't lose any weight (after burning 1000 calories a day nursing for 9 months, I do not have any idea why I'm still the size I am. It just doesn't make sense). If you nurse while you're pregnant, there will be times when your nipples hurt as badly as they did when you first started nursing #1, if not worse. You will have days, nursing two, when you totally feel like a dairy cow.

However, tandem nursing did make nap really easy. I would lie on "Claire's side" (my left) and nurse Claire. Then MG would lie kind of on top of me, and nurse "the tops." When Claire fell asleep I would pop her off, then I'd roll over to face MG and get her to sleep, too. And since I was pretty well trapped with both of them sleeping on either side of me, I'd generally fall asleep with them, and we'd all get a good nap in.

Now that MG is weaned (glory, hallelujah!) we do pretty much the same thing, except MG doesn't nurse. I lay on my side, Claire nurses, and MG lays on my side. She likes it when I rub her back. She also likes to have her feet rubbed, which annoys the crud out of BJ but is actually easier for me. Then, when Claire falls asleep, I turn over and MG lays on my arm and we go to sleep, too.

MG is down to the 0 - 1 naps a day range, and Claire is transitioning from two a day to one a day. We try to do this for the big nap of the day, whenever we can, which is generally the one after lunch.

Of course, if you're blessed with children who sleep like normal people (that is, you put them in their beds with a kiss, they lay down, and they go to sleep) you won't have to do all of these foolish things, but if, like me, your kids need to be coaxed to sleep... this is the way to do it.

How to do Two: Bath Time

Well, don't I feel like Polly Popular? Wow!

Another Amy (can you believe that my mom thought "Amy" was a unique name when she named me??) mentioned bath time. I've got this down to a fine science. Allow me to elaborate.

The key to a successful bath is preparation. You want to have every single thing you're going to need in the bathroom with you, so that you don't have to leave your kids for a second. Yeah, sometimes I listen to Oprah, because sometimes she's right. Our local channel had these horrible PSAs on last summer about drowning, and they said that babies don't make a sound when they drown - they don't fight at all, they just slip under the water, try to breathe, and drown. Needless to say, this is NOT one of those theories that I am willing to test, so I never, ever, ever leave my kids unsupervised in the tub.

So, how do I bathe the two of them by myself? I get their jammies, towels, clean diapers, and lotion and take it all into the bathroom with me. Then I run the bath (Claire has just started to stand at the edge of the tub and throw the toys in). I take the bigger kid's clothes off first, and put her in the tub. Then I take the little one's clothes off and put her in. I pile the clothes up on the floor and try to remember to stick them in the hamper later. The dirty diapers (pray God that they're just wet, otherwise you're going to need the wipes that you forgot to bring in with you!) go in the bathroom trash.

I hold on to the little one (Claire) and get her clean while the big one (Mary Grace) plays with the tub toys. Then I pull Claire out, dry her off right there on the bath mat, put her lotion on, put her clean diaper on, and put her jammies on. Then she can crawl around our very small bathroom (she generally stands up at the side of the tub and laughs at her sister) while I wash the big one. When the big one is all clean, I pull her out, get her lotioned, dressed, etc. Then we all leave the bathroom together.

Yes, this means that the little one gets a much shorter bath than the big one, but she's not complaining, yet, so who cares?

As with most "two under two" skills, the key is preparation.

All this is much easier, of course, when Daddy's home, because he can supervise the bath while I fold laundry. Then I come and get Claire when she's done, he finishes up with MG, and then we put them both down for bed at the same time.

Any other two under two questions?

How to do Two

Recently at Parent Dish, Linda has been blessed with her second child. It has been a lot of fun to read her thoughts as she moved through her third trimester, and begins to adjust to her new life now that her second child is here.

When I found myself rather unexpectedly pregnant with Claire, I did a lot of searching for information on what it's like to have "two under two." I didn't find much. Since Jenny B. is expecting her second, and I'm sure there are other moms out there who are frantically searching for info on "two kids under two years old," I thought I'd start a series on various tips and coping strategies that I've picked up along the way. Not that I'm any kind of expert or anything, but they're both still smiling, so that has to count for something.

Tip #1 - Diapers

Change diapers at the same time. If you don't, you'll feel like you are changing diapers all freakin' day. When the new baby is little, obviously she's going to go through more diapers than the older one, but if you check the older one at the same time, and change her, too, if she needs it, you'll save your sanity.

Tip #2 - How to Get Around

Find a baby carrier you love and use it. Yes, this is going to require some cash. Sorry. See if your friends have a couple you can try before you buy. Mary Grace liked the Baby Bjorn. Claire and I love the Adjustable Pouch from Kangaroo Korner. Different babies like different styles. I'd probably go with an Ergo if I were buying one now. Experiment, find one, and then don't leave home without it.

When you go shopping, never go anywhere without carts. It's just a bad idea. If you must go somewhere without carts, take your stroller. I have a double stroller, and I thought I'd really like it, but I honestly don't use it as much as I thought I would. It seems that one always wants to be held, anyway, and since the single is so much easier to manage, I end up taking it. I can still fit both the kids in the single, too, in a pinch by reclining the seat and setting Claire in the back (real safe, huh?) or sitting Claire on top of the parent tray (oh, chill, I hold on tight). Generally, though, Claire is in the sling and MG is in the stroller, or MG is walking and Claire is in the stroller. I'll bet the double sees more use as they both get bigger and Claire is too heavy to carry all the time.

Anyway, when you go to the store, you get the older kid out and put her in the cart/stroller first. Then you get the smaller kid out and put her in the carrier. When you get back to the car, you do the reverse. You put the smaller kid in the car first, then you take the bigger kid out of the cart/stroller and put her in the car (and then you put your groceries in the car).

This may seem intuitive to some of you, but it baffled me until I got my "method" down. The reason you do it this way is because you can't lift the toddler safely when you've got the little one in the carrier. My method also minimizes the littler one's exposure to the weather. Older and larger kids are better able to deal with temperature extremes, because they have more fat and more body mass.

But what about when you get home? Oprah (who doesn't have kids, I remind you) had a whole show with a bunch of horror stories about what happened when mothers and fathers left their kids alone in the car for 10 seconds and all hell broke loose. She would say, "Never, ever, ever leave a kid alone in the car, not even for a second!"

Well, until Oprah shows up to watch your kids for you, what's a mom to do? And if you have a dog, too, like we do, you're doubly hosed. You're not supposed to ever, ever leave the kids alone in the car. You're not supposed to ever, ever leave the kids alone together. And you're not supposed to ever, ever leave the kids alone with the dog. But those groceries aren't going to carry themselves in, and you can't always go to the store when Dad's home. It's like that riddle where you have to get the hunter, the fox, and the chicken across the river, but you can't leave this one with that one, and blah blah...

Here's what you do - you carry the baby in first (sorry, Oprah, the older kid's just going to have to avoid setting the car on fire for 30 seconds). You put the baby in the high chair with a snack or a toy, and you put the dog outside (either in the yard or on a tie out, whatever you've got). Then you bring the big one in and put her in the playyard (if tolerated) or at the table with a snack (which is what I always did with MG). Then you carry the groceries in as fast as you can, in as few trips as possible, and pray that no one chokes herself, or chokes her sister, or sets the house on fire or gets eaten by the dog or gets kidnapped by gypsies while you're running between the minivan and the door. And you feel pretty stupid doing it, too, but you know that if anything hideous happens you're going to die of guilt and Oprah is going to show up at your house and say, "I told you so!"

MG is reliable enough, now, that I can get her out first and send her towards the door while I get Claire out. I don't have to worry about her running into the street or anything at this point. She's trained. Which brings me to tip #3...

Tip #3 - Train Them While You're Pregnant

There comes a natural point in your pregnancy, at about 6 months in, when it becomes impossible to carry a toddler for more than 3 seconds without severe back, hip, and leg pain. God did this on purpose, because you're forced to put the kid down and let him or her learn to walk with you like a civilized creature, rather than running around like a crazy person. Use this time.

When I was pregnant with Claire I took MG to the park and we would "practice listening." She'd get too far away, and I'd say, "Mary Grace! Practice coming back!" and I'd squat down and open my arms wide. (I must have looked so stupid...) She would come careening across the park and practically knock me flat, and then I'd lavish praise on her little head because she came when she was called. It didn't take long before all I had to say was "Practice!" and she'd come running. I also taught her to put her hand on one spot and not let go until I told her it was ok. This is handy in parking lots.

By the time Claire was born, MG didn't expect to be carried and held anymore, which was good because I didn't have enough hands to carry her and hold her while carrying and holding Claire (although I have, in emergencies, carried the two of them several city blocks. I really do not
understand why I'm not a size 2).

Tip #4 - Training Wheels

When Mom left and Mom-in-Law left and BJ had to go back to work, I was a nervous wreck about being left home alone with the two kids, outnumbered, and with no back up. Fortunately, my friend Jenny B (the one who is pregnant with her #2), was available to come over and be my training wheels. I didn't let her do anything (poor thing was probably bored stiff), but she was there, with her son, to provide emotional support, and so I knew that she was there if I needed help. It worked out so well. By the end of the two days, I felt confident that I could go it alone. Her presence was a nice way to transition into doing it by myself. If you have a stay-at-home-mom friend who would be willing to come over and watch you fumble around for a day or two while you find your groove, I highly recommend it.

Ok, that's enough Two Under Two tips for now. If you have any specific questions or tips, leave 'em in the comments!