Together-Mom Revisited

.....and we're back! After talking to every human being who works at IBM, and more than a few computer voice mazes, over the past 36 hours I finally found someone who had a clue. He had me remove my battery, unplug everything, replug everything, and by golly, we have liftoff! Hallelujah, it's a Christmas miracle!

One person at IBM told me that it was going to cost $475+tax to fix this damn thing, so I am THRILLED beyond all sense - especially since I only paid $500 to begin with - that the fix was so simple. HOORAY!

Note to self, back up pictures today.

Anyway, back to the content, I just got this comment on my "Together Mom" post:

Good blog. It helps. Any comments on the "together moms" that appear to have "together kids" and a "together house"? Arrrrgggh! Each of my kids does only ONE activity (lesson, sport or music). My husband likes to see us all at the dinner table and honestly my whole family cherishes our stable family dinners. Plus, we have most Saturdays off to just sit by the pool or whatever. Is this why my kids didn't make the "Gifted Program"? I think they will still get into the local university when the time comes. Any thoughts?

Of course I have thoughts!

First of all, research shows that one of the best things you can do to insulate your kids from future problems (dropping out of school, getting pregnant at 13, using drugs and alcohol, etc.) is to have a meal with them regularly. This comes straight from Dr. Dave (who also informed me that popular ideas about parenting are about 20 years behind current research - we have to find a way to get that information faster! Preferably a way that doesn't require me to stay in therapy so that I can post them all here, because the co-pay went up, folks, and I can't afford Dr. Dave anymore!). The other thing, incidentally, is to teach them from an early age to help. If you have your kids set the table, for example, and say, "You're such a good helper!" that's good stuff. He said that if you only teach your kid one value, teach them the value of being a helper...

I digress. So, firstly, you are already doing something so right by having a family meal. Pat yourself on the back.

Second, there is no proof at all that having your kids in every possible activity will make them gifted. I firmly believe, as a former "gifted" student and someone who went to school to be a teacher, that giftedness is geneticly predetermined. There are things that you can do to give your kids a leg up (read to them, take them to science museums instead of movies, etc.), but your kid has an IQ range that is (probably) pre-set. No matter what you do, most kids are going to fall in the 90 - 110 range (that's why it's the middle - the scale is set up to be a bell curve) and all you can do is help them to achieve their maximum individual pre-set level.

In other words, I believe that everyone is born with a range that is determined by their genes. Environmentally, you can do things to help them achieve their maximum potential, but you're not going to be able to take an average kid and make him gifted, any more than you're going to be able to do something to make a kid with a mental handicap average. You have to work within the realistic boundaries of each child's abilities. You provide the environment, full of books and fun educational activities and opportunities to learn, and help them be the best person, the best student, the smartest kid that they can realistically be.

Also, having a high IQ isn't necessarily predictive of future happiness or success. I was in the gifted program in grade school and I dropped (flunked) out of the state university the first time. I was on the Dean's list when I graduated from the other state university, so I figured it out... It took time, though, and drive, and *I* had to do it - my parents couldn't do it for me. Meanwhile, my husband, who was never identified as "gifted" in school is now an actual rocket scientist. And "gifted" Amy? My maximum income in my life (before I decided to stay home and raise kids) was about $35,000 a year. Husband's starting income was almost double that. So, um... Don't hang your hat on the whole "gifted" thing.

I firmly believe that it's more important to teach your kids the value of helping, the value of hard work, the value of not giving up, and the value of being really good at one thing (instead of a "jack of all trades master of none" like me!), the value of problem solving (and how to do it), the value of scientific thought... than it is to have them be "gifted." All "gifted" really means, in the schools, is "we're going to stick this group of kids in a special class so that they aren't bored to tears in the other class." They're not giving out the keys to the kingdom in the separate class, either. I remember, mostly, doing those puzzles where you have five kids, five colors of hat, and five snacks, and given a few clues you have to figure out which kid has which hat and which snack. I promise that this has never, ever come up in actual life. Calculus, which I wish I knew, actually comes up occasionally. Puzzles? Not so much. Unless I'm doing a puzzle.

It's important for us, as parents, to figure out what our goals are for our children and to do things to help them reach those goals. What goal would be reached by being a 4 sport athlete? A prodigy at violin? A gymnast? A physicist?

Here's how it works in our everyday life for me - I have my kids in gymnastics because I am not someone who enjoys physical activity, and I want them to have a background of feeling good about exercise, feeling competent in activity, before they get to P.E. classes (which are designed to crush your soul and make you hate exercise forever - seriously, those uniforms? Puh-lease). When they're a little bigger, I will encourage them to play an instrument because I enjoyed playing (piano and cello) and it helped me appreciate music as an adult (even though I no longer play). It also helped me learn fractions when I was a kid. BJ is a black belt in ju-jit-su, and he wants to encourage our kids to pursue martial arts, because it is something that shaped his life. He feels that he learned valuable lessons from martial arts that he wants to pass on to our kids.

Will they do all of those things at once? Heck no. If Mary Grace turns out to be an Olympic caliber gymnast, I'll probably drop my plans for her to play an instrument. If it turns out that Claire loves the clarinet, I probably won't keep her in gymnastics. We have to have goals, but we also have to be flexible and allow them to select their own passions. We have a limited amount of time in a week, and we have to use it wisely.

As kids get older, they naturally start selecting their own activities more and more. As the parent of young kids, I'm hopeful that by listening to a lot of music I'll help them love music. I'm hopeful that by taking them to the gym a few times a week to play gymnastics, I'll help them be more coordinated than I am... But I have no illusions that I'm raising the next Mary Lou Retton or Yo Yo Ma, here. I just want them to be happy, interesting, well-rounded people. I feel that it's my duty to expose them to a lot of different activities so that when they're older they have a wide base of interests to choose from.

Plus, it all gets us out of the house.

When I saw Dr. Dave I was concerned that I wasn't a good wife, a good mother, or a good person. He had me list the things I thought a good wife/mother/person was. When I put, "A good mother has healthy kids," he said, "Wait a minute, that's not in your control. Is a mother with a child who has cancer a bad mother?" I said, "Of course not," and revised it to say, "A good mother obtains the best possible medical care for her kids - that's something I can control.

You can't control whether or not your kids are gifted, but you can provide an environment that allows them to maximize their potential. You're already doing this in having family dinners. Free time (as in, unstructured time to select their own activities/play) also helps children develop skills that will aid them as adults. Allowing them to choose one activity will help them learn to use their time wisely and be selective in what they pay attention to. Encouraging them to do well in school, by allowing time in your family schedule for homework, will help them do as well in their classes as they are able. Family activities that encourage exploration and discovery - trips to the science museum, the aquarium, the planetarium, the library - will help them become lifelong learners, and will help them associate learning with recreation.

Honestly, Anonymous, I think you're doing just fine.

As for the together moms with the together kids and the together house - I promise you that it's an illusion. We all get the same number of hours in a day, and as long as our activities are reflective of our values - if we spend that time making and eating a healthy family dinner together instead of running to the fourth activity of the evening and grabbing take out on the way - I think we're doing just fine. Those together moms may not have a healthy relationship with their husbands or their extended families, or they may be in major debt (financing all those activities and the cleaning lady to keep the house perfect!), or they may be on speed... Who knows? We're all doing the best we can, and at the end of the day as long as you are true to your core values - which seem to be family and togetherness - I think you're fine.

In our family, we value togetherness and connection. We value laughter and music. We value learning and science. We value enjoyable physical activity. We value good, healthy food. We value rest and "down time." We spend our time accordingly. Sounds like you do, too.

In my book, that makes you a "together mom" - even if you have dust bunnies under your sofa and your kids are in the "regular" classes. If I were a kid, I'd rather be in your family than some overscheduled family that never gets a chance to sit down and eat and laugh together. If you still feel like you're not measuring up, sit down with your husband and your kids (if they're old enough) and make a list of what your family values... Then figure out how you can structure your time to reflect those values more accurately. Be true to your core values, as a person and as a family, and stop trying to live up to some unattainable "ideal mom/ideal family" illusion. I promise you'll be happier as a result.

Preschool - Educating Mommy, too

So MG is "Helper of the Day" today, which means that I had to bring snack (Red Bull and Sugar Pops, of course - you should've seen the look on the teacher's face when I said, "They were out of Red Bull juice boxes at the store..." HA! She said, "What a coincidence, we're having snack 'to go' today - we'll send everyone home with it." That teacher, she's quick.) Mary Grace had to bring something for show and tell. And we had to bring in the stable for her nativity scene. Other parents made theirs like, for real, with hay and stars and shit. Ours was made out of Lincoln Logs, by me, at 12 am last night. I was going to go with Lego, but thought that the bright colors were a little irreverant...

Anyway, this morning BJ and I were trying to come up with something for her to take for show and tell. We had nothing. Someone else brought cute, brand new puppies a couple days ago (they had brought the pregnant Mama puppy at the beginning of the year... Awwww...). On MG's last turn, she took our photo book from our trip to DC. But with all the stuff we had to do for school today, I honestly hadn't given show and tell any thought.

"I want to take my ponies!" MG said. Her ponies are two identical plastic unicorns from her Happy Meal on Wednesday. She's been carrying them around everywhere, and frankly it's a wonder that we haven't lost one yet.

"No, honey, let's think of something else..." something more interesting, I thought, as I mentally went through our house, room by room.

BJ made a few suggestions ("How the Grinch Stole Christmas"? The earth from her solar system mobile?) and I thought of a couple of guest speakers (Grandpa Bob in his nurse's uniform, talking about what he does for a living... Or could I come up with a police officer on VERY short notice??).

"I really want to take my ponies, Mommy," MG pleaded.

That's when I realized. Show and tell isn't about me - it's not a referendum on how well I'm parenting my kid. It's about her, and what's important to her. It's about the things that make her who she is, as an independent person. It's not about who she is and how that reflects on us as parents.

"Ok, kiddo. You can take your ponies."

Snack, stable, and ponies were delivered on time, along with the kids, this morning. She may have the first nativity scene to ever include unicorns. I figure, if the teachers think I suck because I couldn't come up with something interesting, cute, fluffy, different, and educational for Mary Grace's Helper of the Day day, well, maybe they won't make me do it again.

Everybody wins. It's hard to find Red Bull in juice boxes, after all.

I Probably Need Therapy

Friday is Mary Grace's day to bring snack to preschool, and I was trying to think of something to take. Cupcakes and cookies are a bad idea, since it's morning preschool. I was amusing myself, trying to come up with the least-appropriate snack I could possibly bring, without breaking the law. The best I could come up with was Red Bull and Sugar Pops. Oh, if the other mommies knew what evil lurks inside my tiny mind, we'd never be invited to another playdate.

I need help.

In other news, the weaning continues to continue, and I am hopeful that we're past the hardest part (knock on wood).

Wednesdays are our crazy days. Mary Grace's preschool lets out at 11:30 am (and I actually remembered to take her dollar for the Christmas project today - go me!), then we have to grab lunch and get to tap/ballet at 12:30. By the time we get done with ballet at 1:30 or so, Claire is beyond ready for nap. I'm looking forward to changing our schedule - next week is the last week of these classes before we start a new session at the gymnastics/dance place. It's just a little too hectic from 11:15 until 2 around here right now. Allison's schedule will be entirely different next semester, so my work schedule will be entirely different... Everything changes in January. I'm not sure how I'm going to get all my work done at the office this month, since tomorrow is Allison's last day before winter break. Yikes. It'll all work out somehow, but I'm really going to miss having her here over the lunch hour. It's really good for Mommy's sanity to have lunch like a grown up once in a while, even if that lunch is eaten in the warm glow from my monitor at work. The sneaky Allison also worked it out so that the kids will be napping for a good portion of the time she's here. Coincidence?

I need to drag the kids to the mall to get a couple of gifts. I'm really not motivated to do so today, though. I should also start baking, but I'm not motivated to do that, either. Really, I'm motivated to put in a movie and crash on the couch while they zone out. Great Moments in Parenting, huh? It's BJ's fault, I was up late with him watching Batman, the Dark Knight.

What are you procrastinating today?

Monday, and I have become THAT mom

Mary Grace was fine all day yesterday and seemed fine this morning, so we went to gymnastics.  On the way there she was singing, "I love open gym, I love the trampoline, I love the pit..." which was cute.  I knew Claire had a runny nose, but if I kept them home for every runny nose, we would never leave the house.  Well, this afternoon we got home (after a disappointing trip to Toys R Them - the birthday party is Saturday not today) and I realized that MG had a fever.  I have a bunch of garbage thermometers that I don't trust, but she's reading between 100 and 103 depending on which one I use and how hard I hold her arm down.

So, not only did I (knowingly) take a sick kid to gymnastics, I (unknowingly) took a second sick kid to gymnastics.  I am the mom that I curse at under my breath.

She seems fine, though.  Kids are weird with fevers.  A lot of times they can have a really high one and not care.  But we're taking it easy for the rest of the day.  I have dispatched Daddy to the store for juice, Benedryl, bread, and other essentials.  

We're pretty much going to be sick from now until April, so I'm just not going to spaz about it this year.  They're old enough that it's just inconvenient, not heartbreaking and scary, when they have little colds and whatnot.

Claire got Benedryl and put down for nap, because I've wiped her nose 10,000 times today.  Any excuse to give them Benedryl, really.  Even if I'd only wiped it 9,999 times, I'd still dope her up.  Mommy needs a break.

In other important blog news, I want to remind all of you that even though you read this and you feel like you've talked to me, you have not actually talked to me.  You know what's going on here (or the 1% of it that I blog) and you hear my voice in your head, but I have no idea what's going on with you.  I'm stuck in this house with sick kids, so call me, for Pete's sake!  Or show up (with your SARS mask and rubber gloves).  Bring wine.  If we drink enough, we'll kill all the germs before they can take hold!

(I got your voicemail, Amanda, this is not aimed at you.  I'll call you...  You're still at work, though.)

Fridays are my Favorite Days

After the whirlwind of activities this week, it was nice to "just" have school today.  I cleaned the house quite a bit while MG was at school, much to Claire's dismay, and then we just kind of chilled after I picked her up.  It was ... calm.  Calm was nice.

Calm in the sense of not running around like crazy people, not calm in the sense of happy kids behaving happily, unfortunately.  I think I'm not the only one in this house who has had a little too much week this week, because the kids were a little, um... well, not to put too fine a point on it, but the kids were freaking awful tonight.

It was the kind of night when, as we're giving good night kisses, we say, "Tomorrow will be a better day."  I mean, they didn't set the house on fire or shave the cat or anything (not that they have access to matches and razors, I'm just tossing out a ferinstance...), but they were in almost constant trouble.  We'd barely finish fixing one screw up when they'd get in trouble again.  Mary Grace opened the bathroom door up onto Claire's foot (after being told thirtygazillionty times not to mess with doors) and we had to trim Claire's toenail to keep it from peeling off weirdly and painfully.  Claire was not amused by these actions.  Well, I look up from doing minor elective surgery on Claire's toenail, and Mary Grace is plugging things into the wall outlet in our room.  So I came completely unhinged, tossed her butt in time out, and tried to calm myself down before I dealt with her.

Seriously, let's only get in trouble one thing at a time, ok?

It was that kind of night.

So, in honor of Mary Grace's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day of Behavior, I am going to tell you some of the cute things she's said lately... so I can remember why I like her.  (Kidding, mostly...)

Out of the clear blue sky, in the car a couple of days ago, she said, "The laundry will come out of the machine and it will be clean and odor free!"  I have no idea.  We don't even watch commercials, because we DVR almost everything we watch.  Bizarre.  

***

We were watching Monsters Inc. and she said, "Where's Boo?"  Boo was on the screen, but she was wearing the monster costume, so I said, "She's right there, honey, but she's in disguise."  "Boo is not a bird, Mommy," she said.  "Huh?"  (think, think, think)  "Oh, honey, she's in disguise, like a costume, not in the skies..."

***

As I was putting her to bed tonight, "I miss my teacher."  Awwww...  I think it may have just been because her teacher has never tried to put her to bed, but still.

Mary Grace and School

"This is it, kiddo," I said to her after supper, "Your last night of freedom. You're going to be in school for at least the next 19 years!"

Mommy wants one of the girlies to be a doctor. That is the entirety of my long-term health insurance plan. And in that case, it's gonna be more like 25 years.

Tomorrow is The Big Day. I think she's excited. She's excited about wearing her dress, anyway, so that's half the battle. Of course I'll be posting pictures.

***

I hope you all had a nice Labor Day. I went to a party at a friend of my parents' - Mom has known Chris for about 25 years - since my brother and Chris's oldest son were in preschool together (how's that for bringing it all full circle?). The girls were extremely good. They didn't fall into Flint Lake. They could have set my car on fire, as long as they didn't fall in the lake, and I would've thought they were fairly good (I have this thing about water...), but they were honestly very good.

A funny thing happened. A former state senator was at the party, and someone pointed him out to me. Toward the end of the evening, he was making kissy faces at Claire (I refrained from making a joke about him being a typical baby kissing politician, because he's a nice guy and he's retired). Anyway, I introduced myself, "Hi, Mr. A, I'm Amy Prettybaby," and he said, "Oh, I know you, your father in law taught at Grammaland High School, and your mom owns a little place south of Grammaland, and your husband has a business down there in..." (Of course, he didn't say Grammaland, and I didn't tell him my last name was Prettybaby, but you know what I mean...)

WELL! I have to tell you, that having a politician recognize me and know my bio like that made me feel like a real muckity muck!

I had Mom help me outside with the kids, and I said to her, "Mom, you'll never believe this! Bill A. knows who I am!!" and told her all the things he'd told me about myself. She laughed and said, "Honey, I was talking to him earlier and told him all that stuff." Talk about deflating my ego. Oh well, it was nice to feel somewhat famous for 15 minutes. And that's all we really get out of this life, anyway, right? 15 minutes.

I am going to get a t-shirt printed with my URL that says "I'm famous on the internet!" HA!

***

While we were in Grammaland, the girlies tried on their dresses for Mimi's wedding. I am not going to post the pictures, because I don't want to spoil the surprise, but Oh. My. God. Are they going to be the cutest things in shiny shoes ever to grace Gramma's chapel!! Mimi did a great job of choosing dresses, actually. For a bridesmaid's dress, mine is really pretty flattering. I probably won't wear it again, but it's a nice chocolate brown color, so I'm going to cut it up and make throw pillows after the wedding is over!

***

Grandpa Bob came over for dinner tonight. We had turkey and rice (from the Day of Poultry I had this weekend) and green beans. MG was calling them breen geans. Claire was being such a little ham. Her personality is coming out more and more every day. She can say a whole bunch of words: snack, drink, yellow, green, blue, red, pink, black, white, mama, dada, sister, Max, good dog, go, bye, hello... But the clearest word she says, and this will come as no surprise to you younger siblings, is "MINE!"

***

I should probably go watch Bush talk on the RNC. Big update tomorrow afternoon!

The New Gymnastics Place

I've written before about my concerns with the first gym we were going to for MG's gymnastics class. Well, after the last session ended, I finally sucked it up and signed her up for two classes a week at the place closer to home.

Oh my goodness, you guys, what a difference!

The siblings play area at the first place was a joke. First of all, the toys were all things that Goodwill would reject. Second, it was out a door, down a short hall, and through another door, which made it impossible for me to watch both kids at once. The new place's sibling area is right next to the area where MG's class is, and I can watch them both at once. The toys are nice, they're clean, and they kept Claire entertained for the half hour class. The sibling area is combined with the parent observation area, that looks out over the main gym. Mary Grace's class was held in the area that doubles as a dance studio, which is also above the main gym. It's sort of a loft. It was fun to watch the older kids to their tricks down below. Claire could see, because there's a fence over the gym from that area, but it was small enough that she couldn't get through and fall!

The old gym had about twice as much equipment as could reasonably fit in the space they had, and it always felt and looked cluttered and unsafe. While I never saw anyone get hurt, I always worried that MG would trip and crack her head on some piece of equipment that was too close to where she was trying to do her little tricks. The new place is at least three times larger, maybe more, and all the equipment is spread out in a much safer configuration. Not only that, but upstairs where her class is, they even have toddler-sized equipment for the kids to learn on! How cool is that? Rather than trying to adjust the bar down, for example, they have a little bar that's only about 18 inches off the ground. How much more confidence is she going to learn if the equipment is the right size for her body, as opposed to always feeling dwarfed by the equipment (and intimidated!).

You might remember that the owner of the old gym yelled at me for trying to show Mary Grace what her instructor meant by "a bridge" during the class. Well, this gym has "open gym" so that we can just go and blow off some steam during the winter, or practice, or hop on the trampoline, or whatever. I'm excited about that! It's a little extra money, but only $2 a kid. Not at all unreasonable.

The instructor at the old gym was nice, but I've been extremely impressed with all of the people (parents, instructors, receptionist, etc.) that I've spoken to at the new gym has been extremely friendly. It's nice to not feel like everyone is in "the club" except us.

Finally, I always felt that there were too many kids in MG's old class. She had 5, sometimes 6 toddlers and one instructor. There were two kids in the class we tried last night - Mary Grace and another little girl. She got lots of individual attention, and they didn't break in the middle of a half hour class to waste time getting a drink (one of my pet peeves at the old place).

Overall, I think it's true that you get what you pay for, and I'm happy to pay twice the price at the new place! I'm glad I followed my instincts.