I'm still deep in my book (about halfway through - I'd be done if I didn't have to work, eat, or sleep). Meanwhile, I want to know what you think of this article.
I'll write what I think later. Click through, then come back and leave a comment!
This is why I do time-ins! I think time-outs are like letting your kids CIO. I'm going to a Gentle Discipline Seminar next Friday and can't wait for some fresh ideas.
Not giving a child attention when they are throwing a fit is not the same as them having to earn your love. I love my children unconditionally. Heck if I didn't love them so much maybe I would just let them duke it out occasionally instead of putting the time and effort into teaching them appropriate behavior.
Sadly I have heard parents tell there children they don't love them when they act a certain way. I know older children who only get there parents attention when they are achieving. I have seen a dad walk away from his son because he wasn't doing good enough at a sport (even though he was trying hard and one of the best out there). Those are the children who grow up thinking they are conditionally loved and who will eventually resent there parents.
At 4 Abby is throwing less fits, but she still has here moments. She get anxious and overwhelmed at certain things. Once it gets to the point of a fit we have to remove any stimulus. If she still has interaction with people she will end up hitting people or throwing things. So I put her in time out or in her room. Not because I don't love her because of the way she is acting, but she needs to know you can not interact with others that way.
strwberryjoy's time-in may work on a toddler that isn't interacting well with others, but what is mom to do if the child isn't treating mom well? My son went through a biting stage at around 1 year. A short stage probably because every time he bit me (and it was only me) I set him down and walked away (very briefly, he was only 1). I don't think he will grow-up thinking I don't love him. He learned that you can't bite people.
You need a balance too. If you find yourself sending a child to their room several times a day everyday and you only spend time with them to celebrate "good behavior". Then something isn't working. If a child is frequently isolated from the family you are going to have bigger problems as time goes on.
Good article. When I was training to become an ECE we had a whole page of ten steps to take for a time out. ( I need to find that)
I remember it started with 3 warnings before a time out and redirection and the timeout itself wasn't isolation but rather the parent/caregiver had to sit with the child and discuss the problem and solutions.
Overall I don't think putting a child in time out is witholding love from them. Just because you physically seperate yourself from them doesn't mean you don't love them. That's like saying sending your kids to preschool or daycare or school is showing them you don't love them because you're physically seperating yourself from them.
Give them a time out (rule of thumb they taught us is a minute for the child's age) and then talk to them about what happened, how to solve it next time and tell 'em you still love them. I don't see what the big deal is.
I think that equating time out with withholding love is kinda far fetched. I suppose the way you use time out could make a child feel like you don't love them, but surely most parents convey that message to their kids.
I think whatever you do, however you discipline your child, you have to make sure that the child doesn't get the message that you don't love them if they don't behave. I know there were lots of times when I said to my boys, "I like you, but I don't like (what you're doing).
Interesting article. I actually read it twice - the first time the day you posted, and then again today. I've thought about it, and try to think how my toddler must feel when I say or do something - do I act like I don't LOVE her anymore???
My first issue is, the author gives no suggestions for discipline!!! It's great to do what he says - see it from a toddler's perspective, be positive, make requests, explain why, etc. But, when that doesn't work, what FORCEFUL thing does he use to discipline?
Secondly, where does he discuss the benefit of pulling your child away from a destructive behavior and thought process and sitting them down (in time out) to calm down and find something new to do? Because that does prove effective - sometimes toddlers need to have their actions abruptly halted.
Lastly, you can take away affection without taking away love. I do practice "positive" time out, where we say "i can talk to you when you are done with time out" instead of "i can't talk to you". trying to put a positive spin on everything to make it less "no" and "can't", and putting the empahsis on waiting until time out is over to do something different.
6 comments:
This is why I do time-ins! I think time-outs are like letting your kids CIO. I'm going to a Gentle Discipline Seminar next Friday and can't wait for some fresh ideas.
Not giving a child attention when they are throwing a fit is not the same as them having to earn your love. I love my children unconditionally. Heck if I didn't love them so much maybe I would just let them duke it out occasionally instead of putting the time and effort into teaching them appropriate behavior.
Sadly I have heard parents tell there children they don't love them when they act a certain way. I know older children who only get there parents attention when they are achieving. I have seen a dad walk away from his son because he wasn't doing good enough at a sport (even though he was trying hard and one of the best out there). Those are the children who grow up thinking they are conditionally loved and who will eventually resent there parents.
At 4 Abby is throwing less fits, but she still has here moments. She get anxious and overwhelmed at certain things. Once it gets to the point of a fit we have to remove any stimulus. If she still has interaction with people she will end up hitting people or throwing things. So I put her in time out or in her room. Not because I don't love her because of the way she is acting, but she needs to know you can not interact with others that way.
strwberryjoy's time-in may work on a toddler that isn't interacting well with others, but what is mom to do if the child isn't treating mom well? My son went through a biting stage at around 1 year. A short stage probably because every time he bit me (and it was only me) I set him down and walked away (very briefly, he was only 1). I don't think he will grow-up thinking I don't love him. He learned that you can't bite people.
You need a balance too. If you find yourself sending a child to their room several times a day everyday and you only spend time with them to celebrate "good behavior". Then something isn't working. If a child is frequently isolated from the family you are going to have bigger problems as time goes on.
Good article. When I was training to become an ECE we had a whole page of ten steps to take for a time out. ( I need to find that)
I remember it started with 3 warnings before a time out and redirection and the timeout itself wasn't isolation but rather the parent/caregiver had to sit with the child and discuss the problem and solutions.
Overall I don't think putting a child in time out is witholding love from them. Just because you physically seperate yourself from them doesn't mean you don't love them. That's like saying sending your kids to preschool or daycare or school is showing them you don't love them because you're physically seperating yourself from them.
Give them a time out (rule of thumb they taught us is a minute for the child's age) and then talk to them about what happened, how to solve it next time and tell 'em you still love them. I don't see what the big deal is.
I think that equating time out with withholding love is kinda far fetched. I suppose the way you use time out could make a child feel like you don't love them, but surely most parents convey that message to their kids.
I think whatever you do, however you discipline your child, you have to make sure that the child doesn't get the message that you don't love them if they don't behave. I know there were lots of times when I said to my boys, "I like you, but I don't like (what you're doing).
Aren't you done yet?
Love ya,
Dad
Interesting article. I actually read it twice - the first time the day you posted, and then again today. I've thought about it, and try to think how my toddler must feel when I say or do something - do I act like I don't LOVE her anymore???
My first issue is, the author gives no suggestions for discipline!!! It's great to do what he says - see it from a toddler's perspective, be positive, make requests, explain why, etc. But, when that doesn't work, what FORCEFUL thing does he use to discipline?
Secondly, where does he discuss the benefit of pulling your child away from a destructive behavior and thought process and sitting them down (in time out) to calm down and find something new to do? Because that does prove effective - sometimes toddlers need to have their actions abruptly halted.
Lastly, you can take away affection without taking away love. I do practice "positive" time out, where we say "i can talk to you when you are done with time out" instead of "i can't talk to you". trying to put a positive spin on everything to make it less "no" and "can't", and putting the empahsis on waiting until time out is over to do something different.
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