Saturday, February 6, 2010

So BJ fixed my computer in 24 hours and I'm drunk

Those things don't actually have anything to do with each other, they're just both what's going on right now.  I went to a funeral today.  I know, right?  So I got some wine.  But unless I'm going to introduce the kids into the joy of vino WAY too early, I'm the only drinker in this house...

...and I can't let it go to waste, right?  It's a $10 bottle of ....  Hot Pot?  No.  Big Dog?  No...  Mod Squad?  Shit.  I'd better get up and check the name.  And while I'm there, I should probably get more....

........

HOB NOB Pinot Noir, on sale at Marsh for $9.99.  WOO HOO!  Little did I know when I bought and then drank the wine that BJ had a meeting tonight, which means that I am in charge of keeping two preschoolers breathing, one of whom is potty training, and I am not in any condition to drive anyone to the hospital if they choke, or give anyone the Heimlich maneuver (although, I suppose I can't... See More be too far gone if I can still spell "Heimlich maneuver" correctly, and with correct capitalization, without spell check), or be a responsible adult in any capacity.

I'm not going to let anyone eat or get off of the couch until he gets home in 90 minutes. I think that's the only answer. I put on Alvin and the Chipmunks, so maybe they won't notice their confinement.

No one call CPS, ok? 


Ok, I just totally copied that from my Facebook status, but it would have been a LOT of work to type out, so hush.

Seymore who?


I have a GREAT rant about C-sections and the Today show percolating in the "saved but unpublished" file, but Jenny ... shit, links are hard.  JENNY started chatting me and being hilarious in the middle of my writing it last night which made it totally hard to finish.  But it's coming, because I am SO PISSED at Meredith Viera about...  Something.  Something involving surgery.  I need more wine.


Right.


So I just realized that we're potty training Claire and she hasn't gone since before dinner, so I said, "Claire, do you need to go potty?" and she said, "Yep!" so I took her.  And after she did what was needed, I picked her up to give her a kiss and tell her what a big girl she is, and she smelled my wine breath and I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS TRUE, she said, "You're just like Gramma!" at which point I laughed so hard I almost peed myself, which is not at all the kind of example I'm trying to set here, and put her down before I dropped her funny little ass.


Gramma Denna, for those of you who don't know her, likes her wine.  HAHHAhahhaha...


N.E. Way.  I have nothing to report other than that there's a good rant coming, but I'm too mellow right now to write the ending, which is the most important part, so you're going to have to wait.  It occurs to me that the mark of a good writer (pay no attention to the fact that I misspelled "writer" four times) is that they save stuff to edit and publish later.  I'm not just a trigger happy Jack hitting publish when I get to 1000 words.


Most of the time...

I need a nap. 

Is it bedtime yet?

6 comments:

Jen said...

OH RIGHT! Blame it all on me :) Glad you're having fun...

Anonymous said...

omg! I'll say it again, for the umteenth (is that a word) time... you rock and are hilarious and if you'ld quit messing around, your book would be done and you'ld be on to your next book to keep us deadbeats entertained! How on earth can you be drunk on two glasses, or even a bottle of wine? And the part about Gramma... omg! Can't wait to hear the other end of that. Should go over like a fart in an elevator. Oh well, when grapes get old, what else can we do but save them and 'drink them'?
xo, Connie
ps: when you have time... email me and tell me how on earth I fix it so I don't have to sign into this as anonymous anymore... k?

Cate said...

I so wish I had checked your blog/fb earlier when it was still early enough to call you there (still early here!). I would have loved to have had a vicarious wine glass over the phone with you! You're very funny. :)

Christy Lee said...

Hahahaha... I love it!

Gramma said...

Hmmm, first of all, Claire said "Gramma" NOT gramma Denna, so I would question whether it was necessarily THIS gramma. Gramma Dinana has been known to have a glass of wine once in a while as well: it could be any of the grammas.
Second, she didn't say anything about wine. Maybe it was your delightful perfume, or your hairspray, soap or whatever that "smelled like gramma"

Harumph! I think I am being falsely implicated here!

And if she did mean this gramma, I say, come on over when you're older Claire, and gramma will teach you about some of the finer things in life. We'll eat fabulous cheese and drink a nice cabernet and we'll talk about books and art and important ideas. It'll be fun. I'll put you on my calendar right now. Spring break of 2027 you and I will hang out at the condo, how does that sound? :)Mary Grace can come too if she isn't busy building rockets or doing surgery or accepting her Nobel Prize that week. It'll be a good time. I'm looking forward to it!

B.J. said...

She'll be 20 then, Denna. Perhaps after March the following year. :)