Husband vs. Kids - here we go again

Every couple of years the whole, "Who do you love more, your husband or your kids?" debate goes around. This time I found the article on MomLogic. And this time I have my own blog, so I can weigh in on the ongoing debate.

First of all, I think it's foolish to even start this discussion. Very few of us are ever going to be put in a position to have to choose between our husbands and our kids - no one's going to hold a gun to your head and say, "Choose!" so why bother even thinking about it? Because if you say you love one more than the other, what does that say about your relationship with the one you love less? How can you even quantify or compare the two? It's like comparing apples to penguins.

I also think that it's foolish to talk about having a favorite child. Mine changes moment to moment. Right now it's Mary Grace because she and Daddy are sitting here playing Candy Land, and I'm just delighted by the way she knows the rules and plays along, the way she plays fairly, the way she's getting so big... But earlier today it was Claire, when she and I were snuggled up in bed together trying to take a nap, and she was stroking my face. They're both my favorite, for different reasons.

But since this husband vs. kids thing goes around so often, I have given it a lot of thought.

The love I have for my kids is giving. The paybacks I receive from them (in the form of dandelion bouquets and face stroking and "I love you, too, Mommy"s) are not equal to the amount of things I do for them. I give and they take. On the other hand, with BJ it's much more equal (I hope - he's been taking care of me with a bad back for a couple days, now, so he may think that I'm the taker in the relationship!). He's strong when I'm weak, and I'm strong for him when he's weak. We compliment each other well - he's good at math and science, I'm good at the other stuff. He kills bugs for me, I cook dinner, he cleans up, I do laundry, he works, I pay the bills at home and at work... Back and forth. Our relationship is a see-saw, where we're each high and low during our turns. My relationship with the kids is a swing - I'm standing behind doing all the pushing and they're having all the fun.

At this point in our lives, the relationship I have with my kids is tiring. The relationship I have with BJ is restorative. Being with the kids by myself for a whole weekend wears me out, while being with BJ by myself for a weekend is relaxing and fun. Sure, I have fun with the kids, too, but it's fun with a lot more work, simply because they're kids and they're little and I still have to wipe their behinds. I'm not sure how this dynamic will change as they get older, but I suspect that even when they're self-sufficient, they'll still be work.

The love I have for the kids is primal - I just can't help it. I am wired to love them and to want to protect them and care for them. But so is BJ, and watching him be a father to them, seeing him get furious when Mary Grace talks about a kid at school picking on her, or watching him wrestle with the kids on the living room floor, it reinforces that I chose the right man to be their father, more than I could've possibly known at the time that I chose him.

A lot of women seem to use the whole "I love my kids more," thing as an excuse to neglect their husbands, and I think that's a bad way to maintain a family. I recognize that the primary relationship in our family dynamic is the one between BJ and I, and I work hard to protect and continually improve that relationship because I realize that the well-being of all of us rests in that relationship. If I have an amazing, perfect relationship with Claire that I cultivate and put a ton of effort into, that's great for Claire, but the imbalance would eventually cause MG and BJ to resent us and that relationship. However, if I put a lot of effort into my relationship with BJ, it creates a stable, happy home for our kids and all of us benefit. Therefore, the smart mother, in my opinion, will tend to the marital relationship as her highest priority, because a healthy marriage is good for the whole family.

I don't mean that you let the kids starve while you wait on your husband hand and foot... But I don't think you should let your husband starve, emotionally, while you exhaust yourself being everything to your kids, either. Balance is important, and necessary, and any husband and father will recognize that you have to take care of the kids, too. I see a lot of sad men in the world who feel like they don't matter to their wives anymore once they have kids. And in the long run, I think it's not healthy to be everything to your kids, anyway, but that's another issue and another post.

It's also important to point out that I chose BJ and he chose me, while our kids were the luck of the draw genetically. To me, it's like the difference between loving a garden that was there when you bought the house, and loving a garden that you've worked hard to create. They may be equally beautiful, but the one that you put the effort into is the one that's going to mean more. I see the kids as the garden that I was just really lucky to receive. BJ's the garden I worked hard to cultivate.

Of course, I've put tons of effort into raising the kids, so far, and plan to put in tons more, but since BJ and I were together for 8 years before we had kids, they're never going to catch up to him.

I also think about the fact that the kids are going to grow up and move out and create their own lives, someday, while BJ and I are going to be together, in the same house, every day until we die. For that reason, I think it's vitally important to my own sanity to work at our marriage. Long after our kids have kids of their own, hopefully, we'll still be here. Together. I'd much prefer to spend the rest of my life with someone who has always felt loved, cherished, and cared for, than with someone who has felt like he was playing second fiddle since 2005 (when MG was born).

I just re-read this, and it kind of sounds like I'm coming down on the "I love my husband more" side. I guess maybe I am. I just want to caution the moms who might be reading that article in MomLogic against coming down too heavily in the "kids" camp. And don't confuse instincts with love. And don't have internal dialogues about things that don't matter - like who you love more. Because in the end, the idea is for everyone to feel loved, and for everyone's needs to be met. We're a family, we're not in competition with one another. And you shouldn't be in competition in your family, either, so knock it off.