Saturday, July 11, 2009

No Wonder We're Nuts

Parents Magazine or Paranoid Magazine - you be the judge:

Beginning on page 31, I am assaulted by the following:
  1. Guess what? Your kid is probably addicted to video games.
  2. He's also going to slam his fingers in doors (if you don't buy this).
  3. He's not getting enough iodine.
  4. He'll probably get diabetes...
  5. Or a urinary tract infection! (2-5 - all on ONE page)
  6. He could poison himself on common household plants.
  7. He probably owns one of the three following recalled products.
  8. You need to buy special apple juice with less sugar!!
  9. (I'm only up to page 36, here - and half of the pages are ads) FOOD ALLERGY ALERT!
  10. Support safer kids' products!
  11. Is it safe to fill the kiddie pool from the hose? (answer: no, you need to go out and buy 10,000 bottles of Evian, you idiot. Because if you're dumb enough to believe that, you deserve to be separated from your money.)
  12. My husband dropped the baby! (I dropped Claire, once. She's fine. And both of my kids have gone head first off the bed. Shit happens! You shouldn't play dodgeball with them, until they're at least 2, but beyond that, get over it.)
  13. Hand sanitizer!
  14. Magic soap changes color when they've washed long enough with it! Because the world is made of dirt and dirt is BAD!
  15. Vitamins! Food just isn't enough!
  16. First real article, page 42 - Make Your Home Healthier!
For the love of cheese!

Why don't we just wrap them in cotton wool and throw them in the hall closet?

It just goes on and on. Nothing's safe. Nothing's good enough. Nothing's healthy enough. There's danger lurking around every corner, waiting to jump out and grab your child... unless you buy this and this and this.

Enough is enough! Children have survived throughout our entire history in germier, messier, unhealthier, unsafer, and unsecure-er circumstances than they're in now. Our children are not porcelain dolls. They do not need to have thousands of dollars spent on them, so that they will survive. The people who make all the crap they're trying to sell you want you to believe that your kids are in mortal danger if you don't buy their junk, but your kids are safe. I promise. They'll probably just choke on those door blocker thingies, anyway. So stop already. Because if we don't buy it, they'll all go away and stop trying to make us paranoid.


mwiesjahn said...

They will stick pussy willows up their noses......

I lived to tell the horrible tale...

strwberrryjoy said...

<(APPLAUSE!> I *HATE* all parenting magazines except for the LLL one and MOTHERING. They are just one big ad catalog. The writing is poor and everything is watered-down and not backed-up. They give THE WORST breastfeeding advice. (Like if your baby needs to comfort nurse call your dr. WTH!) I wouldn't be surprised if half of the staffers never have had a kid yet.

Heather said...

Amen, my sista!

A friend of mine said it best when she was taking heat for involving her kids in some of her art projects. Paraphrased:

"You can't child-proof the whole world, but you can do your best to world-proof the child."

painted maypole said...

right on!

Adelas said...

Yeeeeeahh. The only safety things we've invested in have been baby gates and outlet covers. We give the baby the paci off the floor with barely a swipe (unless there are visible dirt chunks) and yes, I DID in fact videotape him drinking his bathwater.

I mostly buy those things and read them for the developmental articles, the recipes, and the craft ideas, and I filter out the paranoia. Which means in MY opinion, the best parenting magazines you can buy are Family Fun and Wondertime.

Both of these magazines, ironically, are published by the Disney corporation. They do have ads for Disney stuff but it's not as bad as the other mags.

Family Fun is more of the practical stuff (recipes, fun ideas, craft ideas) but it's geared towards bigger kids (preschool and up).

Wondertime has cool suggestions for things to do, but they also have sweet, inspirational articles that make me all weepy. :)