Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Partly Cranky with a Chance of Narg

I keep losing track of what day it is. That's getting annoying.

It is Wednesday. I know that because I looked at the calendar. Today I went to the office with the kids (always an adventure) to pay BJ's quarterly taxes (a month late - whoops! It would be nice if quarterly taxes were due, you know, quarterly) and catch a few things up. I'm going to take them to the drop off program at the church tomorrow so I can spend a couple more hours there. Lucky me!

Then we went shopping. I would've found a bunch of great stuff if I were a 300 pound black woman. I need to have a very serious talk with the people who make clothing for women. It'll go something like this:

Not everyone who weighs more than 150 pounds can pull off leopard print. In fact, I think it would be good for all of us if you stepped away from the prints altogether. And while you're at it, can we please refrain from anything involving stripes? And polka dots? Seriously - I found a red top with two inch white polka dots that would look extremely cute - on Minnie Mouse! Can't we make cute, conservative clothes for those of us who weren't blessed with a love of exercise or a metabolism, and happen to be under 60 years old? Because I'll tell you what, if you don't start making cute clothes for women my age who look like me, then we're all going to start walking around naked, and none of us want that. I'm putting you on notice. If next summer's clothes don't meet my very simple requirements, I'm going to show up at your headquarters wearing nothing but a smile. Capiche?

Shopping makes me want to eat. Fortunately it's too hot and humid to even think about baking anything, or I'd be 12 cookies closer to the next size up.

I hate it when I get in this mood. I do NOT want to pass this on to my kids. I did find a few cute things for MG, which is good, because she's outgrown all of her summer clothes. The kid is solidly into 5s, approaching 6s. She's so tall.

That's the problem - I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.

A lot of the BlogHer girls are writing confessional posts about all their foibles so that we won't be surprised when we meet them and they aren't practically perfect in every way. I'm not planning on telling anyone that I snore like a lumberjack, or that I sweat like my dad, or that I can't hold my liquor until it's too late. I don't want them to find another roommate and make me sleep in the lobby fountain (although that would be convenient, because I wouldn't have to take the time to shower in the morning if I slept in a fountain... This idea has possibilities). The more I think about it, the more it feels like the Sheraton is going to turn into a college dorm in a week (a week! GAH!).

I did not love the dorm. I never really fit in with the other 7 Amys on my floor. Maybe they hated me for snoring. I don't know, but I'm getting that nervous dread thing... I'm about ready to sell my ticket to the highest bidder and stay home with my head under the pillow, sobbing.

It's because I went shopping. To hell with TJ Maxx. I am not going to let them ruin my fun. I can't possibly be the only person attending BlogHer who is a size 18.

There, that's my confession. I'm a size 18. Sometimes a 20. Sometimes a 16, but only because women's clothes sizes are so stupid.

I went to a PiYo class with Casey the other night and before the class I was complaining (to Casey) about a Facebook discussion I'd gotten into about breastfeeding. I told her I was going to write a breastfeeding book for people who aren't militant. Some random woman in front of me said something like, "They say that breastfeeding helps you lose your baby weight." "Oh REALLY?" I said, holding my arms out wide so she could see the exact size of my body, "Because I nursed my oldest for 28 months, two kids simultaneously for 9 months, and my youngest for a total of 22 months. I must have been doing it wrong!" She didn't say anything else.

I should have knocked her over when she was doing her sun salutations. I could've taken her. And knocking someone over might make me feel better.

I need a drink.

11 comments:

Have the T-shirt said...

Yea, I always lost out on that 'breastfeeding will help you lose weight' thing too.

I have put on a lot of weight lately, and I think because of my age, it has almost ALL settled like an inner tube around my middle.

It is disgusting, yet, I haven't been motivated to address the issue.

I've met you in person and I think you are FABULOUS!

You are gonna have so much fun!

chicagogoebel said...

ugh, clothes shopping can be the worst. Have you thought about the GAP? They go up to size 20 (albeit online only) but I have lived in their clothes since having Marc (I was a 18 right after and now 15 mos later I'm fighting my way toward a 14 depending on the cut, etc. etc.) Anyway, some of their stuff is a little young, but for the most part I can find basics there and then jazz them up w/fun accessories.

Good luck, Amy. Sorry you're in a funk. And I know EXACTLY what you mean about not wanting to pass this down to MG & C...both my parents now how Type II Diabetes and are grossly obese. It terrifies the be-jezus out of me and I am NOT going to end up like them. This stops here. with me. done.

Fran said...

If you ever need a quiet place, I always have a bottle of wine on hand... and currently some mango rum and pineapple juice :)

RobMonroe said...

Amy - you rock. Who cares about your clothes, as long as you're covered? Might cause some media attention if you did show up at the offices of fashion designers in your birthday suit!

Sue said...

Hey Amy,
Don't sell your ticket! I will look for you and we can splash in the fountain together!

Mimi said...

I give you major props for the Piyo class. I tried pilates last night and I am very aware of my abs today. Ouch!!

Every person and every size goes through the shopping thing. I almost broke down in tears when Maurices turned into a store for Emos... Ick.

Everyone is going to love you at Blogher because of your wonderful personality, the way you can make people laugh until they hurt, and the knack that you have for listening, really listening to people. It doesn't matter if you are a size 18 or a size 2, people will love you for you. You are going to have a blast!

Cathie said...

I pretty much second everything said so far ('cept I don't have anything to contribute about breastfeeding, because I didn't do that. I know, *GASP*).

But I just wanted you to know that yet another person (that knows you IRL) thinks you are FANFREAKINTABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As for finding some clothes... I like the Gap and Old Navy (both online for plus sizes), and I also find some cute stuff at Fashion Bug and Lane Bryant. Sure the last two have their fare share of leopard prints and granny clothes, but you can look around and find conservative, age appropriate, yet stylish clothes.

Oh... to get out of your "mood", go get a pedicure!!!!! You'll appreciate the break from the office, the kids, the house, and you'll feel better about yourself with pretty toes.

Love ya!!!

Heidi said...

Did you intentionally channel your inner Garfield?

I too am undertall, though for some odd reason, I weigh less after three kids than before. However, a year of sitting on my ass (literally - it was a baaaad pregnancy) has caused said ass to spread, so none of my pants fit. What, all the fat drifted south and pooled up in my behind?!! I chalk it up to my age (and I'm older than you kiddo.) I'd like to lose 10 pounds before my trip home to Chicago in October. Will it happen...?

Probably not. And you know the solution? That's right - new pants. And a new attitude (FYI - they sell those in the lingere department, between the Spanx and the non-nursing bras.)

So go shop. Go buy some cute jammies ('cuz your roomies will see those) and a fantastic nailpolish/necklace/pair of shoes and ENJOY YOURSELF. No one at BlogHer will care what size you are. You can sort out your issues when you get home.

But hopefully by then, you won't need to because all those wonderful women you'll meet will convince you that your worries were baseless and you are gorgeous at any size.

Carmen said...

Screw TJ Max. They have weird, random stuff there. Old Navy is more trendy and has larger sizes. Target is ok for tops but don't waste time on the pants... they fit like shit. Seriously don't try on a single pair or you will get pissed. Oh, and I second the GAP. They have pretty basic stuff and decent sizing.

Heidi is right... get some cute pjs and a pedicure before you go. Some jeans you don't hate (and maybe even feel, gasp!, good in) and a few basic black tops will get you through about anything.

Red Carpet/Bright Lights said...

ROTFLOL!!! I look forward to my evening "blog reading" time so I can take in your latest escapades. :) :

Girl -- you are so amazing that no one, and I repeat -- NO ONE -- will notice what size you are. I certainly don't and I hang out with you in public (thank goodness).

I love your blog -- you have such an amazing wit and writing style that people will be lined up to meet you in person, I'm sure. Perhaps I should get your autograph now before you are mobbed at the conference... :)

Hugs! :) :)

Cate said...

Oh, I remembered the name of that store I was going to tell you about because my mom and I went to it in your neighborhood mall a couple years ago... CJ Banks. I bet you could find something HOT there, 'cause you deserve it. :)