Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Sleepy Mommy


I don't want this whole blog to be full of pictures of MG with bruises, bumps, and black eyes. However, she shows no signs of getting over this condition of hers that makes her such a complete and total klutz (the technical term is toddlerhood), I thought I'd post some pictures of her being totally hilarious last month.


Yes, that's the same formal wear (sans black eye). It was the dress that her Aunt Jill bought her to wear when she was a flower girl in Aunt Jill and Uncle Brian's wedding. I also have a pair of cousins named Brian and Jill, who are brother and sister. Fortunately they are NOT the ones who got married.


It's all about the accessories.

I am very, very sleep deprived. I haven't had a good night's sleep since December of 2004. Literally. When I'm pregnant, I get up to go to the bathroom at least twice a night, from the very beginning. MG has slept through the night about 7 times in her entire life. Every single one of those times I have been pregnant, so I've been up to go to the bathroom (and check to make sure MG still had a pulse) anyway.

At first, I was in denial: "Surely I must have gotten more than 3 hours of sleep last week!" I would cry. Then came anger: "If you don't let me sleep, you little parasite, you are grounded until you are TWENTY!" Then, predictably, came bargaining: "If you will just let Mommy sleep for 10 more minutes, I will give you Daddy's credit cards!" Then, of course, depression: "Where the bleeding HELL is Mommy's Zoloft???"

Recently, though, I have come to a point where I have accepted that sleep is never, ever going to happen to me again. I have learned to sleep while I'm awake by shutting down all but the most basic processes that are going on in my mind and body. I lie there, immersed in my zen, nursing, and feeling at peace with the fact that I am awake, again, at 3:00 am. I practice thinking of nothing. I look at my focal point (that tiny stain on the ceiling, probably rust from a nail in the drywall or something) and clear my head. I awake feeling adequately ready to take on the day. And I eat a hell of a lot of chocolate to compensate. "This is just what motherhood is," I reason, "I don't have a choice. It is what it is, why fight? Accept. Om."

Oh, the zen just drips off of me.

And then, and then, C slept through the night last night. I can't be too sure, because MG did not (remember, MG is 19 months older than our 2 month old C), so I'm still as tired as ever, and frankly all babies look the same in the dark - there's a strong possibility that I would nurse Max if she made the right moves on me, and it was late enough at night. But chances are very, very good that C was asleep from approximately 11:30 am until 6:30 am, when her sister woke her up by yelling, "Our C's AWAKE!" at high pitches.

And even though I know that all kids are different, and they develop at different rates, and that MG will do some things chronologically before C does them (talking, probably, for one), I'm finding it really, really difficult to retain my zen. A big, sleepy part of me wants to revert right back to anger, and to direct it at my 21 month old ball of nocturnal energy.

I'm going to go take a nap.
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