A Possibly Vulgar Rant About Health "Care"

I went to the doctor today because I've been losing time.  Three times now, in conversations, I have zoned out and come to, realized that the conversation has moved on, and had NO IDEA how we got from where we were to where we are.  The sensation was very similar to highway hypnosis, if you've ever had that.  It's very disorienting and freaky.  I had it on "watch" status for a couple days, until I spoke to Monica about it yesterday and she told me that Craig had asked her about me doing the same thing when he and I got into a discussion about religion a couple of weeks ago.  He said that toward the end of the conversation I got really quiet (anyone who knows me knows that this is totally unlike me) and he couldn't tell if he had offended me or what.  No, I had checked out on him, too.  I immediately emailed the doctor's office.

I couldn't get in with my usual doctor, and then there was a scheduling problem (the nurse put the appointment in at 1 and told me 1:30) so I ended up seeing a doctor I saw once before and wasn't very impressed with, and his student nurse practitioner.

The nurse did a very thorough evaluation of me, a full neuro exam to rule out all kinds of causes too scary to think about.  They're going to do bloodwork tomorrow, but for now my diagnosis is social anxiety.

BJ laughed when he heard that.  "You're the least socially anxious person I know!" he said.

The thing that pisses me off more than the diagnosis I'm not sure about (yes, I have anxiety, yes, the three conversations where this happened were heated or stressful or controversial, but no, I'm not sure that they were so heated or so stressful that they would cause me to dissociate!  Certainly I have had more heated, more stressful conversations where my mind hasn't chosen to go to its happy place without taking me along) is that the doctor took it upon himself to remind me that I'm a giant fat cow and that everything would be PERFECT if I lost weight.

I swear to you, I could go to the doctor with two broken legs, and they would tell me to lose weight.

When I was at my thinnest adult weight, right before I got pregnant with Jack, I was getting the SAME thing...  So I know that plus or minus 20 pounds doesn't really matter - when you're a woman it all comes down to the number on the scale.

Concerned that you're getting hair where girls don't grow hair?  You're fat.  Concerned that you have spells when you lose time and that you might be driving with your kids in the car the next time it happens?  You're fat.  Concerned about the fact that your skin is in worse shape than it was when you were a teenager?  Fat.  Tired?  Fat.  Migraine?  Fat.  Depressed?  Fat.  Dandruff?  Fat.  Athlete's foot?  Fat.  Sinus infection?  Hey, while you're here, let me remind you with a concerned look on my face that you are fat...

Then the shaming started - "You'd be setting such a good example for your kids if you'd eat better and exercise..."  Oh FUCK YOU doctor nobody, you don't even KNOW my kids.  You've never SEEN my kids.  Do not PRESUME to know anything about my kids based on seeing me TWICE in my life.

(I told you this might get vulgar).

((Jeez, all the new scouts friends I've added on Facebook are going to read this.  All the neighbors I've added because of the neighborhood association....  Oh hell with it.  This is me.  I try not to swear in front of people under 18.  I'm not perfect.  I probably swear because I'm fat.))

...And I just sat there and took it.  I said, "My kids are healthy.  My husband is too.  My whole family is..." I said, choking back tears, determined NOT to cry in front of this jerk.

He told me, and I swear I am not making this up, to maybe consider eating fruits and vegetables instead of cookies and chips and pretzels.  As if that had never occurred to me in my entire life.  He said to eat Lean Cuisine instead of fast food for lunch.  Yeah, that'll help.  My highest ever blood pressure was when I was eating Smart Ones all the time trying to lose weight before I had kids - all the sodium.  170/110, and I got to wear a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours for my trouble.  I quit the "diet" and it came back down to normal.

I said, "I lost 50 pounds between when I had my second child and when I had my son.  I know how to lose weight.  And our diet is very healthy.  I cook from scratch.  I'm a very good cook.  That's probably half my problem..."  I sat there thinking, "Why am I justifying myself to this asshole?" and "You could stand to lose a few too, doc."  At one point I almost poked his belly, and said, "Hee hee!" just to shut him the hell up.

And what really, really kills me is that there is SO MUCH MORE to me than the number on the scale or what size pants I wear.  People LOVE me.  I am kind.  I do so much for people and expect nothing in return (neighborhood president, scouts, helping at the school, etc.).  I am smart.  I am good.  I am interesting.  I am an amazing mother.  I'm an awesome wife.  I take care of people - whether they're mine or not.  I listen to people.  I care about people.  I'm hilarious.  My house is spotless, even though I have three small kids in it.  I am the KoolAid Mom of the neighborhood, and every kid in our neighborhood of 100 houses knows that if they're in trouble they can come to me.  I save dogs when they're running loose.  I give money to charities for my friends' birthdays.  I'm a great freaking cook.  In fact, I'd probably be a hell of a lot thinner if I didn't make such awesome cookies.  I have an excellent credit score and almost no debt (student loans and car loans - that's it).  My kids are LOVED.  I have read to them every single day since they were born.  I work really, really hard at being EXCELLENT at everything I am and everything I do.

But I weigh over 200 pounds.  207 pounds, actually, at 5 foot 4 inches tall, and so until that changes, I will never, ever be good enough.





(Personally, I think the real problem is too much stress and not enough sleep, and taking care of everyone except Amy for the past many months, but I'll get the labs they ordered done just to be sure.  And after over a year of problems with the Mirena, I finally made an appointment to have it removed.  I'll just deal with the side effects, up to and including babies.  And I may go off the Zoloft entirely, too, to just give my body a chance to heal and equalize without all these synthetic chemicals and artificial hormones.  I think it's no coincidence that I was able to lose all that weight when I was trying to conceive Jack - I wasn't on birth control.  My skin was awesome, too.  And I felt good.  Better than I feel now, anyway, until I got pregnant and the anxiety ramped up again before I even knew I was pregnant.  And maybe I'll go see Mom's acupuncture guy.  But I swear to God I'll kick his ass if he mentions losing weight.)

Psychic Friends

I just read this article at Salon about a phone psychic that reminded me of a story, so let's hop in the Wayback Machine...

BlogHer Book Club - Girl In Translation

Please click here to read my review of Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok over at BlogHer!  I really liked this book, I think you will too!

When I Become Queen

I got involved in a conversation about politics, specifically about the national debt, yesterday.  It's kind of sad that I was able to come up with a bunch of ideas just standing in the lunchroom at the office, but the people in congress who get paid to solve problems can't figure this out.

#1 - Social Security is 6.2% of your gross income up to $106,800.  If it was 6.2% of everything, instead, how much of the problem would that solve?  Would I be able to count on Social Security being there when I retire if they removed the limit?

from Wikimedia Commons

#2 - It's my understanding that Bush paid for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan outside of the federal budget (I don't know how the hell that works, but that's what he did).  Here's what I want to know - whatever happened to war bonds?  In World War 2, if you supported the war and the troops you could go out and buy a bond to support them, which would mature in a set number of years.  Why aren't we selling Iraq and Afghanistan and now Libya bonds?  Let the people who think these actions are a good idea pay for them!

#3 - Congresspeople should not get sweet retirement deals.  They should get social security like everyone else.

#4 - When this country was founded, all the politicians had real jobs.  I think the only career politician should be the president - and everyone else should be a volunteer.  No, I'm not kidding.  Ok, fine, pay them a small stipend (minimum wage x the number of hours they work!) for their time.  But that's it.  And they're not allowed to vote themselves pay increases anymore.  Who came up with that idea? 

#5 - What if we all decided that in 2012 we would let the government keep our tax refunds, for the good of the country, and apply them toward the national debt?  What if we kept doing this until there wasn't one anymore?  Heck, what if we just did it in even numbered years?  Could we solve the problem that way?  How long would it take?

#6 - Various entities that get their funding from the government always spend as much of it as they possibly can - otherwise it will be removed from the budget next year.  How about coming up with non-financial incentives for entities that return unspent money at the end of the fiscal year?  For example, if the National Archives (just to pick on someone) manages to spend 97% of their budget, but they write the government a check for the other 3% at the end of the year, how about we give everyone who works for the National Archives an extra day off or something?  Government employees need some kind of incentive to NOT spend money.  Also, let's not take that money out of their budget right away, because things change from year to year.  Give them 5 years of being 3% under (and getting an extra day off or something) before that 3% is permanently cut, so they don't feel like they have to "spend out" their money each year.

#7 - Here's another idea from the past - the WPA.  We've got thousands and thousands of people collecting welfare and unemployment in this country, and meanwhile our roads, bridges, etc. are falling apart.  Let's put some of these folks to work 4 days a week fixing stuff!  The other day a week they can continue to look for a job in their original field.  "But Amy!" you say, "A lot of the people collecting welfare are taking care of children!"  OK, fine, start a WPA daycare in each town - employ a couple of (qualified) caregivers to look after the kids of the rest of the people who are at work.  Duh.  I know that our town has laid off teachers lately.  They're more than qualified to do daycare, right?  Wouldn't they rather be working?

#8 - This is kind of unrelated, but why don't we combine the retirement homes and the daycares into one facility?  So the older people could be around little kids, which would be good for them and keep them young and active, and the little kids could have one on one attention from loving older people, which would be good for them, too.  Also, it would be one less building.  There would have to be caregivers, too, for both the elderly and the kids (because the elderly would get tired, and the kids would need diapers changed and stuff) but from a purely social point of view, I think it would be good.  It's certainly more natural than dividing people up by age the way we do in this country.

#9 - This one is my dad's.  He says that every member of Congress should have to do their personal income taxes with a pencil and paper, and if they can't they need to simplify the laws.  I think that's BRILLIANT.

#10 - Twelve year term limits for every single elected official in the country.

There.  I fixed it.  Will you vote for me?

An Open Letter to the Tea Party

Dear Tea Party,

First of all, your name is stupid.

Secondly, your grandstanding and inability to compromise is directly impeding my ability to get shit done.  I've had a meeting scheduled for Monday for over a week, and the person I'm meeting with had to call and cancel today because he can't put in travel requests due to the possibility of a shut down.  We're going to have to reschedule (again!), which is going to delay our getting under contract with the Air Force. 

Kindly STFU so those of us who actually do useful work in this country can get back to it.  

This stunt is going to end up costing this country money in the long run, and it REALLY pisses me off that our troops might not get paid this week.  That's some serious bullshit. 

Seriously, enough already.  I speak for basically everyone in this country who isn't a politician when I say, "The rest of us have work to do - get out of the way."

Love and kisses,
Amy

(PS - I know this isn't the usual tone or topic of this blog, but I'm too ticked off to keep quiet about this one.)

The Rhetoric of the Anti-TSA Movement

I noticed something interesting earlier today...  All the people who are against the invasive screening procedures that the TSA have recently adopted are talking about three distinct groups - grandmothers, wives (especially those who are pregnant), and children.

A great deal of the discussion, though, is directed at men, in the form of, "Would you want YOUR pregnant wife or YOUR child or YOUR grannie to have to be subjected to this?"

It reminds me of the rhetoric used to inspire soldiers - protect the wives and children; women and children first, etc.

If I were writing a term paper, I'd go find specific examples, but I'd rather go downstairs and watch last night's Chuck, so I'm just going to leave you with that observation and this thought...

Aren't all of us, whether we are grannies or not, whether we "belong" to a man or not, whether we are pregnant or not, and whether we are minors or not, aren't all of us entitled to some basic measure of privacy and decency?  Shouldn't everyone, whether they are a member of one of these vulnerable populations or not, have the right to travel without (literally) being molested?

I am the only person on the entire planet who gets Lost

For crying out loud, people!

I've spent the better part of the afternoon reading other Lost blogs, and none of you get it.

Here's the thing.  It's about religion.

There was all this Mythology - throughout the series there was this supernatural stuff that was explained (smoke monster, polar bears) and some that was unexplained (Walt and why he was special, how Allison Janney got to the island in the first place, who made all the "rules").

But in the end, when it comes down to it, none of it matters!  It doesn't matter if Jacob was Good and Smokey was Evil (he was looking pretty sympathetic in the episode about their history, hardly an evil dude, imho - he just wanted to go home). It doesn't matter if time travel is possible or impossible.  It doesn't matter that Walt was special or not.  Some things are explained, some things aren't.

Just like in life.

But when it comes down to it, the following is true:

* We all are alive now.
* We will all die.
* The only thing that counts, the only thing that makes a damn bit of difference regardless of whether we're Hindu or Christian or Muslim or Jewish or whatever is the LOVE that we share (whether it's romantic, paternal (Jack and Christian), maternal (Kate/Claire and Aaron), fraternal (Desmond & every guy "brutha," Jacob and his brother), sororal (Kate and Claire), etc.), and the CONNECTIONS that we make to one another.
* We all have a chance to redeem ourselves - and our chance is RIGHT NOW.
* In order to redeem ourselves, we need to un-screw-up all of our screwed up relationships (Jack and Christian, Jack and Kate, Locke and his father, Sawyer and Locke's father, even Jacob and his brother! etc. etc.) and our relationship with ourselves (particularly Ben).

And I, personally, feel that those 5 things are every bit as true in real life as they are in Lost.

People who are religious get all caught up in the details, and the details have caused wars and countless millions of deaths since religion was invented in the first place - but the details don't matter.

Love matters.

That is all.


You have to let go of the details, let go of the mythology, and find a way to love and be redeemed.

And until you do, you're Lost.

There's a good argument to be made, based on the show, that good and evil are entirely in the eyes of the beholder - that someone's actions when viewed from one perspective may look "evil" (I kill you), but when looked at from a different perspective, they look good (...because you're trying to kill an innocent).  I think that's why the goodness and evilness of Jacob and his brother are left ambiguous - because I don't think the writers believe in inherent good and evil, and I don't think we should, either.  Evil and good are matters of perspective, not constants.

Love, on the other hand, is constant.

Love wins.

Awwww....

NOW what am I going to do on Tuesdays?

A Bunch of Disjointed Fragments of Thoughts

1) I was reading an article about body size and the "ideal" body women should aspire to, and it struck me as interesting that the "ideal" for women, right now, is to be a size zero.

Nothing.

Zip.

0.

Zilch.

Is that really what we want for ourselves, and for our daughters?  To aspire to be something that is synonymous with nothingness?  (Not to mention extremely unhealthy for 99.9% of women).

Can't we do better than that?  In our post-post-feminist world, can't we give our kids something better to aspire to than nothing?

I'll tell you what, I'd rather have daughters who are a healthy size 10 or 12 or 14 with happy, productive, fulfilling lives than a couple of coat hangers who spend every moment obsessed with not eating.  (And I say that as someone who is dieting, and therefore currently obsessed with not eating).

1.5) But the thing is, I'm dieting because my starting weight (SW) was unhealthy.  I don't give a rip what I look like, honestly.  As long as BJ can still stand to see me and be seen with me, I'm fine.  I'm looking forward to buying clothes that look better (because they're all designed to be worn by those size zeroes, right?), but not as much as I'm looking forward to being able to breathe at the top of a really long flight of stairs.  If someone could promise me that my SW wouldn't kill me, I would've stayed there.  I'd still smoke if someone could promise me that I wouldn't get cancer.  But just like smoking, being heavy will kill you eventually, so I want to be less heavy so that I can live to see my grandkids.

I think I had to get to the point where it was about health, and not looks, for all of this self-improvement to work, to be honest... which brings me to point #2.

2) Healing High School

Facebook is a seriously interesting cultural phenomenon for people my age.  Someone could write a book.

I've been out of high school for 15 years (where did that time go?) and I stayed in touch with very few people from that era.  It wasn't deliberate, people just drift apart.  But now people drift back together, through Facebook, and I find myself "friends" with people I'd left behind, and who had left me behind.

And you know what?  It's amazing.

It's amazing to have reached a place of maturity, where we can come together and one person can say, "Hey, I'm sorry I was an asshole," and the other person can say, "We were kids, it's all good," and we can let go of all those old hurts that we all carry around.  We all carry them because high school is brutal (and middle school is worse).  That's why movies like The Breakfast Club are so timeless and classic - because what we go through in school, those rights of passage, are universal.  They happened to all of us, whether we're "preps" or "jocks" or "geeks" or "nerds."

Even if it's never said aloud, a few cautious, friendly comments back and forth, and I no longer feel hurt over the girl who totally ditched me for a new set of friends when we left elementary school for middle school, because I'm too busy talking with her about her baby's fever, and which kind of sling she likes best, and a recipe for amazing butt paste.  (Not that I sat here and agonized every day over what happened when I was 11 - that makes me sound pathetic and I'm not, I really have a full, productive, busy life where I don't obsess about things that happened 22 years ago, I promise - but those sad, hurtful memories are being replaced.  My tape of that girl that used to play in my head every time I drove past her house in Grammaland or heard her fairly common name has been replaced by more current tunes - songs of us being adults, and moms, and it's better now because there's new data to replace the old.  I sure hope that makes sense.  That's why I called this "disjointed fragments of thoughts," because it may not...).

So now here we are, and we're all playing Mafia Wars and Farmville together.  We've all gotten older and wider (no, that's not a typo) and we've all become our parents.  And we're all ok.  That girl who hated the world, and me in particular?  Well, it turns out she had a lot of good reasons to - she had things going on at home that were horrendous.  I mean, really, really bad.  Now I can see everything she did through adult eyes, and through the lens of new knowledge.  Suddenly it all makes sense, and it's all ok.  The boy I always crushed on has finally said to me, "I didn't try to date you because I figured you were too smart for my bullshit!" and suddenly all the old feelings that screamed "I'm not good enough!" are gone.  I could give a dozen examples, but I'm sure you see my point.  In lots of small ways, all those little high school hurts are being healed.  All the scars I've carried (that we've all carried, if we're brave enough to admit it) are disappearing.

Which brings me to #3...

3)  Is it possible that in order to get healthy (finally) and to achieve meaningful weight loss (SW-20 with good batteries this time) for the first time in my life, I had to heal from high school?  Could it be possible that I finally believe I'm worth it - healthy food instead of fast food, nice clothes instead of jeans and t-shirts - because I'm healing all these tiny ancient wounds?

I strongly dislike it when Dr. Phil says, "You're fat because you're a psychological train wreck!"  I've always thought that's bullshit.  I've maintained for years (about 15, to be honest) that I'm not a size 10 (screw size 0 - I'm Scot/Irish, that will never happen for me) because I like to cook and I hate to exercise, and I'm sticking to that...  But I can't help but notice the correlation between all of these old hurts evaporating and my increased ability to stick with it this time.  I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, Dr. Phil is a little bit right (even a broken clock is right twice a day, right?) and that Facebook, of all things, has helped me deal with all of the dysfunctional tapes in my head that used to say, "You're not good enough!"  Now they're starting to say things like, "You're really funny," and, "You really care about people," and, most importantly, "You're worth the effort that it takes to change."

Could Facebook be curing me of a lifetime of low self-esteem, which has led me to overeat and not make the effort to keep my body healthy?  What do you think?

Finally, 4) I thought your answers to the question I asked Monday were great!  If I could say it out loud, I would tell several people in my life, "The way you treat your family makes me absolutely sick.  You really need to grow up."

Maybe the folks I'd say that to really need Facebook!

Maybe these thoughts weren't so disjointed after all.

No Puppy

So, a couple of days ago, my Dad and I took the girls down to Middle Of Nowhere, Indiana (Population: Depends, how many people are in your car?) to see some beagle puppies that had been advertised in the paper by a guy named Larry*.

They were so cute, but ALL puppies are cute. A responsible mother pet owner can't base her decisions on the cute.

Larry had over 20 dogs. Probably closer to 30. The dogs that he kept didn't have names. He had a 12 month old female (selling price - $50) and an 18 month old female (price - $35) that he was "willing" to sell (he wouldn't say why - were they infertile? Bad hunters? Barky? Not cute enough?), but they didn't have names, they weren't potty trained, and they'd lived their entire lives in elevated wire cages (they each have a bed area where they can get off of the wire floor, if they want to). I don't know how one could begin to house train a dog that had been raised that way, much less get it to the point where it could be trusted with children, particularly if it had been trained to hunt.

The puppies were kept in more gentle accommodations. They were with their mother. At the end of the mother's elevated wire pen there was a ramp into a plastic doghouse full of hay. The father was on site, too. Those were points in Larry's favor.

It was also clean, and it didn't smell, in spite of the fact that he only had about an hour's warning that we were coming that evening. I don't guess that he was out in the rain cleaning up on my account. The place was probably as clean as it usually is, and it was cleaner than our yard would be if we had 20 or 30 dogs!

On the other hand, about half of his dogs were outside in elevated wire pens. They barked like it was the end of the world when they saw us coming. I said something like, "Boy, it's about time to move these guys in for the winter," since it was a cold, rainy night. "Oh no," Larry replied, "They stay out all year. They're used to it."

Used to it. With those thin beagle coats. I began to wonder if Larry might be the kind of person that puppies get rescued from. Not the sort of breeder that I want to buy a dog from.

What kills me is that it wouldn't be at all difficult for him to make room for the other dogs inside. About half of his space, indoors, was wasted on walkways. I wasn't going to get into a discussion of geometry with him though. Particularly after I saw a mouse in the barn.

He lets the dogs go home at 6 weeks old. 8 - 10 is more reasonable. His puppies ("pure bred") were only $100. Susan pointed out that if he were taking proper care of them, at that price he'd be selling them at a loss.

So, for a lot of reasons, we've decided not to bring home that particular puppy. Even though she's too young for the conditions to really have much of an impact on her, I don't want to support a "backyard breeder," with my money if he's going to take shoddy care of his dogs. I'd rather wait and find someone who treats their dogs like pets, not like livestock.

I realize that some of this may be cultural - he'd probably be appalled that I let my 90 pound dog live inside the house, sleep on the couch, and eat peanut butter. There's a difference in the way that farmers/country/rural folks and suburban/city dwellers treat animals... I know. Also, Larry probably thinks that he treats the dogs just fine. He's probably better than a lot of backyard breeders - his place was clean, and there was only that one mouse. He seemed sort of affectionate toward the dogs, I guess. He handled the puppies gently. I didn't see any signs of overt abuse - the dogs didn't appear sick or injured in any way. It was the mother's first litter, so I didn't get the impression that he over-bred the females. On the other hand, I know how much Max's vet care costs per year (upwards of $400) and I don't see how someone who has no other job (besides puppy selling) could possibly make enough money to support himself and his wife and properly take care of so many dogs. The math just doesn't add up.

When it's time, the right dog will make her way to us. This was not the right dog for us.

*****

I used some of the following references in making my decision. If you've come upon this article while looking for information about backyard breeders, puppy mills, responsible pet ownership, etc, may I recommend the following:

Wikipedia - puppy mill.
Wikipedia - backyard breeder.
What Is A Backyard Breeder?
Reputable Breeder vs. Backyard Breeder. (Google's Cached Version - I'm having trouble with the website tonight.)

(Image: Wikimedia Commons)

* Not his real name.

Little April Rose Scam Exposed

(click the title for the article)

I haven't posted anything about the "Little April Rose" fiasco, for a lot of reasons. If you followed her blog, you may remember that I was the person who suggested (in a comment) that a homebirth in her "situation" might be illegal, and she promptly wrote a vehement reply in my general direction. I told my sister weeks ago that I smelled a rat, but I was afraid to speak up because nay-saying, if her story had been true, would have been cruel.

When the "baby" was "born," I was hitting "refresh" along with everyone else who had followed her blog, waiting for updates. When the picture of "April" was posted - the one that turned out to be a doll - I thought it was awfully strange that a baby with not one but two facially disfiguring disorders (trisomy 13 and the holo-thing that I can't spell) would have such a perfect face. She also looked awfully chubby for a 4 pound baby. It wasn't long before the rest of the mommy-blogosphere was in an uproar. I sort of sat back and watched the whole thing unfold, rather than doing the research myself to discover Beccah's identity. But I was riveted for a couple of days as I watched the web of lies that Beccah had spun come undone.

I think there are several lessons here that we should all take away from the whole thing...

#1 - No matter how hard you try to protect your identity, it is stupid easy for anyone with half a clue how the internet works to figure out exactly who you are, where you live, what your phone number is, who lives in your house with you, how much your house is worth, and a whole bunch of other "private" information. There is no such thing as "private" anymore.

#2 - While I don't think that we bloggers should hesitate to reach out and support one another emotionally in times of need, we should really think very carefully before we support each other financially in times of need. This is not the first blog scam (while the article says that she didn't benefit financially, it goes on to say that some of the people involved gave her "hundreds" of dollars, and the ad revenue alone would've been HUGE with nearly a million hits...) for money, nor will it be the last.

While a lot of beautiful things have been done in the blogging community (like the support that Matt Logelin has received since the tragic death of his wife Liz, and the not-for-profit group he has set up in her memory), a lot of scams have been pulled just like Beccah's. We really need to be careful where we donate money and send gifts.

I wish I could think of a list of good guidelines for this, but I really can't. I think it's a red flag if a blog is too polished, as "April's Mom's" was. I think it's a warning sign if the blogger doesn't give her last name or location - but then again, I don't give my last name or location! Of course, I also don't ask for gifts. (If you want to send gifts, though, I'll accept them! Let me run right out and get a PO Box. Hahaha). It's a warning sign when people protest too much - Beccah said something directly once about people thinking that she was lying, and that it would be a pretty sick trick to pull on people (or something to that effect). If someone's always crowing about how "real" they are, it makes me think that they might not be all that real... Can anyone think of other red flags?

#3 - Honesty is the best policy. As bloggers, the only standards we're held to are our own. I can sit here all day and make up lies - about myself, about others, about politicians and public figures... It might even be fun to wait and see how long it takes the lies I make up to get on Fox News (rimshot). We bloggers really need to have a sense of journalistic integrity about the whole thing, because once you begin to lie, you have to tell another, then another, and before long you find yourself suffocating under a whole pack of lies, and then you screw up and get caught. I wonder, if she hadn't posted the picture of the doll, would she have gotten away with it?

#4 - Finally, it's really easy to forget that the internet is made up of actual people with actual feelings, lives and, often, psychiatric disorders. It's probably in everyone's best interests if we bear this in mind at all times.

So, who else was following the rise and fall of Little April Rose's Mom? You can read more about it here and here and here, and if you still want more, those links can take you to further links where you can get the whole sordid tale.

Signed,

Mary Grace and Claire's Mom
Keepin' it 100% real since May, 2007

An Epic Rant About Work

BJ finally got home last night. Unfortunately by the time he got here I'd already fallen asleep, so he didn't get the marching band and ticker tape parade reception that he should have. I think I sort of rolled over, said, "Oh, you're home!" and went back to sleep.

At work I have this yearly project called the ICE (Incurred Cost Explanation - fascinating sounding, right?) that I have to do for the Defense Contracting Auditing Agency. Basically they look at how much we spent on overhead expenses (rent, copy paper, etc.) versus how much we made and how much we spent on our contracts directly, and eventually they give us a percentage that we can charge the government on future contract work for overhead.

One would think that there would only be a little math involved. I mean, I could pull the total amount of overhead expenses for 2008 out of Quickbooks in about 10 seconds. I could compare that number to the total receipts, or the total direct expenses, or pi, or the speed of light, or whatever all day long. But no, this is the government, so there is a huge spreadsheet with multiple (27, actually) worksheets that have mathematical links to one another that I have to fill out and submit by the end of June.

I hate yearly projects, because I don't do them often enough to know what I'm doing.

And our childcare situation for the summer is complicated, because Allison is going to Spain. I checked with a couple local daycares, but none of them do part time for Claire's age group. I'm going to end up heavily utilizing the church's "mommy's time out" program (but that's limited to five 2-1/2 hour sessions per week, and a max of 2 sessions per day - essentially, I'll be able to work at the office 5 hours a day twice a week, with another 2-1/2 hour day once a week - but by the time I drop them off and get them settled, get to work and settle myself, check my e-mail, it'll be time to pick them up again). I tried to get Bumpa to commit to spending a day a week with the kids until late August, but he changed the subject...

So, the big project? Sometime in early May I started looking online for the current version of the spreadsheet thing and I read the following:

The ICE application is currently unavailable. The Version 2.0.0 (Released May 2008) is under review to correct a reported error in the calculation of the G&A rate/allocation when a Value Added base is used. Any user of version 2.0.0 that allocated G&A using a Value Added base should independently validate the resulting rate calculation and allocations.

Um... Ohhhh kay... I don't know how to independently validate anything.

I didn't really worry about it at the beginning of May. I had enough other stuff to catch up. A couple weeks ago, though, I got a little annoyed and wrote to my auditor and said, "Um... What?" and explained that I don't have much childcare available in June, and if they want this thing by June 30, they really ought to fix the formula and put it back up before, say, June 29.

Yesterday was Allison's last day of babysitting before she leaves. Guess when they e-mailed me the Excel file I needed? Yesterday.

I made pretty good progress. I think I got about half of it done yesterday, which is incredible. It was really hard the first year, because I had no clue what I was doing, and the way I'd been doing the accounting didn't match the way they had set up the spreadsheet... I had to do a lot of formulas just to get my own data to match the format they wanted for the form. Now I've refined my process throughout the year to match what they want me to do, and all the old data has (finally) fallen off. So, between the better processes and the 3 or 4 years of experience I've got doing this thing, it's going a lot faster.

One lady I know whose company is larger than ours, who has been doing this for at least 15 years, said that it takes her an entire month to do this report. I think mainly it's because she still has all her other work to do while she's working on it, but still... a whole month. If we get any bigger, I'm hiring someone else to do this stupid thing.

On Thursday, Jane who is 8 and who I've known since long before she was born, was shocked to find out that I work. "Where??" she asked. "For Uncle BJ, honey. I do all the bookkeeping, and I do the paperwork and the taxes every month that we need to do because we employ people, and I buy the supplies that BJ needs for the office and for his rockets. I also make sure that we pay for the stuff we buy on time. And if we do work for someone else, I have to send that company a bill for the work and make sure they pay it on time, and if they don't I follow up with them to find out what's wrong. I talk to our vendors and keep up a relationship with them. I work with the accountant every year to get our taxes done. I keep the licenses on our softwares current. I proofread the reports and proposals that BJ writes. I review the contracts that we get to make sure that there aren't any surprises later..."

"Wow," she said, "that's a lot of explanation."

I realized later that I've totally become what Lloyd in Say Anything said he didn't want to be...

I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

I love that movie.

I hate it that people (not just kids, but, well, almost everyone I know, now that I think about it) think I sit around and blog and eat bon bons all day. I work, and I work really hard. Even BJ has, in a moment of anger, accused me of doing "everything half assed." I was not trained for this, and I've had to figure it out as I go along. I took Accounting 101 twice. I got a C the first time and a B the second, and even after the B I didn't understand half of what was going on. I figured, at that point, that I've learned all that I am capable of learning from Accounting 101.

I've had to start from nearly zero knowledge of accounting, and learn the hardest type of accounting there is (government contract accounting). And the stakes are high. If I screw it up I could end up in jail, or BJ could, or they could shut down our company or stop awarding us contracts or any number of really freaking horrible scenarios. Talk about stress! (But my FB quiz, "How stressed are you," came back at 3%. Ha. To hell with FB).

I am almost entirely self-taught. Aside from my accountant, who has been a TON of help over the last six and a half years (but she can't sit and hold my hand every day), and the woman at the larger company I mentioned earlier, who helped me through the ICE the first time, I've learned this all on my own.

I'm a total big picture thinker, and I don't usually care about details, and I suck at math and Excel. Accountants (successful ones, anyway) are detail oriented thinkers who are good at math and Excel. I'm completely ill-suited for the job I'm doing, but I do it because BJ doesn't have time, and we can't hire someone that he'd trust the way he trusts me. I have complete control over all the money going in and out of the company. BJ looks at it once a year when we do the taxes. He couldn't trust anyone else in this job.

And yet, I'm still blown sh*t, even by the other owners of the company, for being involved. We had a meeting, once, at one of the owners' houses, and after dinner when the four owners went downstairs to talk, and I went too, one of them said with a sneer, "Are all the other wives going to be included too?"

I'm still pissed, and it was years ago. I should have said, "Yeah, when all the other wives who've never even seen the office put in 40 hours a week, they can sit in, too, you dick." But I didn't. I didn't because I love my husband (although he heard it when we got home, and got an earfull for not defending me) and we need our business partners. The irony is when we set up the company, they wanted to make me the "on paper" owner - because women-owned businesses get perks - but I said no because it's dishonest to say I'm the owner when I'm not.

You know what integrity gets you? It gets you screwed, that's what.

So, it's a beautiful Saturday and when BJ gets up I am going to go to the office to finish this thing. Because I have to. And people are going to read this, and in about 20 minutes will return to thinking that I sit around and blog and eat bon bons all day. And no one's going to think about the fact that in addition to all of the above, I have a home to run, too, with laundry and dishes and shopping and doctor's appointments and every other detail that goes along with that. And that I have a workaholic husband who travels frequently.

I can't relax when I'm at home, because I'm thinking about the 10000 things I really should be doing at work. I can't relax when I'm at work, because I'm thinking about the 10000 things that need to be done at home. When most stay-at-home moms are getting a break, when they have a sitter or a mommy's time out program or whatever, I'm working. When most working-outside-the-home moms are getting a break, I'm playing catch-up at home. It's the worst of both worlds, in a lot of ways. I always feel like I'm behind.

Rachel said, on Facebook, "We both have the same problem - we think, 'I can do it all by myself,' and at the same time think, 'Why isn't anyone helping me?'" I think in my next life I'm going to be one of those "wilting flower" types - the "delicate" girls who can't do anything by themselves. The ones that men seem to fall all over themselves trying to be the big, strong hero for. To hell with being Scarlet O'Hara, I want to be Melanie.

BJ's up. I gotta go. *sigh*

This post has been brought to you by PMS, which I have somehow completely forgotten how to deal with in the past 4 years.

Calling all Geeks! Cool New Toy...

I just found out about WolframAlpha, and I'm wishing that I had all day to sit here and play with it.

Alas, I don't, but I can share it with you. First, watch this tutorial. Then play. It looks like a very, very powerful tool for all sorts of disciplines. It's simply amazing that there are people who can take the sum of human knowledge and make it searchable. Wow.

They're going to need a catchier name if they're going to out-Google Google, but they're off to a great start! Amazing.

My Dream House

When I sleep, I dream about this house. Check out the floor plan. Isn't it amazing? Someday... Someday...

All the storage in those bonus rooms makes my toes curl. Three garages - one for all the tools and junk, one for each car. I wouldn't know what to do with myself with all this space. Each bedroom has its own bath (so of course it would be a bad house for toddlers - it'll be better that we wait to build it until they're older and can clean their own bathrooms!) It looks so cozy and homey. I love the master bedroom. I love the home office. I love the kitchen.

*****sigh*****

Practical Theology

Proposed: That it may take more courage, more moral conviction, and more goodness to be a good person who believes in nothing - that this is it, that there is no god, that we are an accident of nature and physics that just happened to occur, not the end-game of some divine "plan" - than it takes to be a good person who believes in something (assuming that your something is spiritual/religious in nature).

Discuss.

John Paul's Movie

I'm going to go on the assumption that everyone who cares either 1) reads the blog or 2) will see this on Facebook.

I just ordered a copy of the movie, Dead at the Box Office, that our friend JP was in before he died. We have a 109" projector, ample popcorn, and lots of tissues. Would anyone be interested in coming to a screening party at our house?

From what I understand it's a terrible movie! It only has one star on IMDB. I guess it's a campy horror thing. I don't care, I'm just looking forward to seeing his face and hearing his voice again. It took me three years to get to the point where I thought I could do so without it hurting too much.

So, let's make it a party! Let's celebrate our friend! It's what he'd want, I think. Who's in? E-mail me.

Good Stuff: Aveeno Postively Ageless SPF 70 Lotion

Important: NO ONE asked me to write this post, NO ONE gave me anything to write this post.

I don't do product recommendations too often, because 1) there are plenty of other blogs who do product recommendations better, and 2) the one time I tried, I got the sample of the stuff and hated it, and was in a moral dilemma as to what to do (I ended up writing back and saying, "Dude, your lotion broke me out, big time, I'm not going to tell my readers to use it, and OH BY THE WAY I find your video advertising deceptive," because I am all about integrity, folks, and not about making a buck. Have you clicked any ads lately?)

Anyway, this is breaking out of my usual thing, but I have to tell you about a product I've been using because I love it and if I were single and it were a person I'd marry it.

It all started with this photo:


This was taken at a wedding in January. After several months of no-sun-exposure. I posted it to my Facebook profile and several of my friends said, "GIRL! Look at your SKIN!"

And I looked at my skin and I thought, "Wow, not bad!"

And then I thought, "Maybe I should do something to, you know, keep that skin."

So I went to my local pharmacy (that's trying to kill me) and bought two tubes of sunscreen for the face. The first was Neutrogena - haven't tried that yet. The second was Aveeno Positively Ageless SPF 70 Sunscreen.

People, I look like an "after" picture without make up on. It does not break me out (and believe me when I tell you that virtually everything breaks me out - whoever thought that I'd have zits, gray hair, and wrinkles all at the same time. Jeez!) It doesn't feel heavy or yucky at all. I apply it after the shower and by the time I've brushed my teeth, it has absorbed and is no longer visible or feel-able on my face and "decolletage" (because I wear a lot of V-neck shirts, no one wants wrinkly cleavage!!).

We all know that we should be wearing sunscreen every day, but who wants to feel (or smell) like a greasy beach bum, or a pina colada, every day?? This stuff smells and feels great. I promise.

Granted, I was doing pretty well, skin wise, to start with. But this stuff, it's making good even better.

So now that it's warming up (ha ha, there was snow yesterday, I want a refund on this "spring" thing...) you really should think about protecting your skin. If you're looking for a product, you might think of your favorite-dewy-skinned-blogger and give this stuff a try.

And seriously, Aveeno? If you could come up with something that, say, melts fat? I would drink it by the gallon. Let's start working on that next, mmmkay?

Carmel, IN - WTF???

I just found an infuriating website - Stimulus Watch. You can search through the projects submitted against the economic stimulus package by state, city, keyword, etc.

So, I started scrolling through Indiana, and couldn't help but notice that a HUGE amount of projects were for Carmel, Indiana.

The total cost of projects submitted for Indiana is $2,598,965,295.

The total cost of projects submitted for Carmel, Indiana is $428,450,000, or about 16.5%.

Now I understand that all of these projects are for road improvements, and I understand, being from 'round here, that the traffic in Carmel is a right mess. There's no sense in trying to drive anywhere on the north/northeast side of Indy between 7 and 10 am, and between 4 and 6 pm. You won't get anywhere fast. I get it.

But why is a relatively small (of 68,677 according to a special 2007 census), rich (the median income is approximately double the average median income of the rest of the state) city requesting such a gigantic percentage of Indiana's share of the stimulus package?

Surely Carmel, where the average home value is $254,458 (over double the Indiana average), has the tax base to fund its own stinking road projects.

This is the local equivalent of Beverly Hills asking for 16.5% of the money to help California. Carmel is one of the nicest cities in the state.

I thought this money was supposed to help people who need help. The more I learn about the nuts and bolts of the stimulus package, the more incensed I become. I understand that these projects are proposed, and not yet funded, but I still find this grossly irresponsible on the part of the Mayor of Carmel's office. Wouldn't this money be better spent in more needy areas of the state? How about Elkhart, where the unemployment rate is 17%? Or Marion, IN, where the unemployment rate was a staggering 11.3% as of December '08? Carmel's unemployment is 4.4%. I think they're ok. Selfish jerks.

When we get home later, I'm going to write a letter. I'll cc the Mayor of Carmel... Who should I send it to, though? The governor? The president? ACK!

I know this is a Mommyblog, and this is clearly not about the babies, but if we're going to saddle my children with an unpayable amount of debt, I would at least like to see that money go to worthy causes - to helping people in true need. It makes me insane that the rich are going to get richer, again, as always, and the poor are going to get screwed. As always. After all, Elkhart isn't on the list of Indiana cities requesting funds. Nor is South Bend. Maybe all the projects for that region are in Mishawaka? I don't know, but it's maddening. Mishawaka only (only!) requseted $38 million, or 1.4%. My head is going to explode.

Am I reading this wrong, or is it really this nauseating???

Social Media Overload

In one window - Tweetdeck - learning how to use it during a TwitterParty for #typeamom. I don't know what that means, but I faked it successfully for an hour. Following #typeamom and #BlogHer09 and #Caroline (the missing girl from Chicago, who was found tonight, alive!), as well as my friend feed and direct messages and @ replies. (I know, none of this makes sense to anyone over like 40, it's ok).

In the next window - Firefox - and my usual line up of websites - Gmail, Google Reader, Google Calendar, Facebook, and this blog.

All was going well, I was keeping up with most of the tweets. Then my mom chatted me. Ok, I can handle this. Gchat and Twitter, no big deal.

But then BJ chatted me in Facebook (he's sitting right next to me, by the way), and my brain exploded.

I left the TwitterParty, told BJ to behave, and stopped obsessively following everything. Now I'm chatting with Mom and writing this, while the Twitter Friend Feed doinks fruitlessly in the background. Manageable chaos.

Web 2.0 really ought to have a warning label.

Happy Valentine's Day... do me a favor!

My friend Casey is competing to win a role on the TV show Bones. She's a real working actress. If you listen to the radio around here, you have probably heard her doing voice-overs on commercials.

Obviously, opportunities to act are few and far between in Indiana.

The contest is on if.net - each participant makes a video of herself reading the lines from the script, and then people come and vote, and the producers of the show will pick a winner from the 5 people with the most votes.

In other words, we need to get Casey into the top 5. Right now she's 8th.

Here's what I want you to do... Go to if.net, create a profile for yourself (they don't spam) under "join today" and log in. Then search for "Cassandra" and click on Cassandra S., West Lafayette, IN's profile. When you get to her profile, scroll down until you see "Land a Role on Bones" and click on "Vote for me now!" That will take you to her audition video. Scroll down one more time until you see the green "vote now" checkmark, and click the check.

That's it. And if you remember to do it every day for the next 9 days, I'm sure Casey will win. It's so close. She's been in and out of the top five all month.

Let's show my friend lots and lots of LOVE this Valentine's day by helping her achieve her dream! Thanks, everyone!

Something Rotten in Disneyland

Regular readers will know that we watch far more than our fair share of the Disney channel. Particularly "Playhouse Disney."

Last month they were running a new commercial which included the phrase "Fabuloso Friday." I remembered Ze Frank using the phrase "Fabuloso Friday" a very long time ago, in his series "The Show."

Well, he sent them a letter, and as far as I know nothing came of it... Then, just a few minutes ago we had Playhouse Disney on again (we really need a twelve step program...) and I saw a commercial for this. Ze Fronk. Cooking with Ze Fronk. Immediately after they stole a phrase from Ze FrAnk.

Really? Are they kidding? Is there a Ze Frank fan working for Playhouse Disney? Has this fan caved under the constant pressure to do something new and interesting every month and decided to just lift ideas from Ze Frank?

As a writer, I take plagiarism very seriously. I am appalled that Disney would so flagrantly plagiarize someone whose work I like and respect.

I'd call for a boycott of all things Disney, but I don't think my kids would survive it.

It's particularly ironic that Disney is doing this, in light of their own zero tolerance policy toward people "borrowing" ideas from them... (even though they've "borrowed" and screwed up virtually every fairy tale in history... I doubt they're paying royalties to the estates of the Brothers Grimm).

When we talked about the first "borrowing" incident, someone in Ze's comments posted a link to this video:



It's one thing to borrow a phrase, made up of relatively common words. It's a whole different thing to "borrow" someone's NAME.

Take 'em down, Ze! If I were a lawyer, I'd represent you for free. Since I'm a mom, my contribution will have to be continued careful monitoring of "Playhouse Disney." Yeah, it's research... Not lazy parenting! Research...

(The lack of links to Disney websites in this post was careful and deliberate).

PS - 12 pounds.