Wednesday, August 20, 2008

OMG!!! BABIEZ!

Looking through my stats, I found someone who surfed onto my blog at 3:50 pm today from the following Google search:
every time i see baby clothes i want a baby and i'm 17 years old is that normal
Ok, first of all, honey, there's a difference between wanting something and thinking that it's a good idea and you should run right out and get it. For example, I really want a new laptop, because mine weighs 200 pounds, and the power cord has to be plugged in just so (right now I have a can of chicken and a piggy bank holding the cord in!) or it won't charge and I really think it would be cool to have one of those ultra-thin new laptops... But I also know that our budget won't allow for a new laptop right now (besides, it's 11:20 and Best Buy is closed), so I'm not running right out to buy one (and even if they weren't closed, they've asked me very nicely not to shop in my pajamas anymore).

Baby clothes are designed to make you want to buy them. Let's face it - babies need very little in life. They need clothes, sure, but they're happy in a white onesie. It's not like all the other kids in the Pack and Play will tease them if they wear the "wrong" shoes. They need sleep and love and food and safety and warmth and the occasional toy, but they don't need enough crap to support an entire Baby Crap Industry. Therefore, The Baby Crap Industry makes Baby Crap irresistibly cute in order to trick us into buying it... That's not just normal, it's marketing.

Second, babies themselves are designed to make you want them. They're cute and small and they have little toes and big eyes. They make cute noises. BJ and I used to coo over how cute Mary Grace's farts were. Everything about a baby is cute. I have even been known to say, "My daughter's dirty diapers don't smell - they smell exactly like buttered popcorn to me!" Babies are very charismatic creatures. That's not just normal, it's evolution.

Finally, you're 17. Your hormones are coursing relentlessly through your veins. Every cell in your body has one goal - to reproduce. Even if your mind's goal is to, you know, graduate from high school or maybe even go to college, your cells aren't interested. They want to pass their precious DNA into the next generation, and that means one thing - BABIEZ!!!! That's not just normal, it's biology.

But Sweetheart, and I mean this in the most loving, most sisterly way possible, are you out of your freaking mind? You are SEVENTEEN! I know, I know, it's a cruel trick of our society that you have the body of an adult, but you're still legally, emotionally, and educationally a kid. But the truth is, your brain still isn't finished forming. You aren't, today, the person you're going to be when you're 30. You are going to change a lot. The goal is to survive these turbulent years without doing anything that's going to have consequences that you're still raising when you're 30.

Get a fish. If you still have the same fish after a year, upgrade to a cat. If the cat lives for another 3 years, upgrade to a dog. If the dog lives for 5 years, then you can start thinking about babies... But for your own sake, please don't let Baby Crap Lust and Hormonal Teenager Lust lead you down the primrose path to motherhood before you're really ready. Because, honestly, it's not as glamorous as Angelina and Jennifer and Jennifer and Gwen make it look. Real motherhood looks a lot more like this. It's a lot less Gucci and a lot more gooey. It's endless hours of nursing when your nipples look like this. It's diapers that look like this. I was once puked on (not spit upon, but puked upon) a dozen times in a dozen hours, I kid you not.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that motherhood is a lot of hard damn work. Rewarding? Of course. Extremely cute at times? Yes. Fun, even? Sure. But it's a lot of work. And it's expensive. That may not look expensive, but that package will last you two, three days, max.

I'm really glad the universe led you here. I hope that it'll be enough reality to keep you on the right path until you're ready for a kid. Because when you're older and you're really ready it'll be a lot more fun.

Love,
Amy

6 comments:

Erin said...

I have to admit Amy, I'm with ya, 100% on this one! Babies are great! They truly are! But they are a commitment. Liking cute baby clothes doesn't mean you necessarily must have a baby. It just means you like cute baby clothes. I would go a little further and say, if she really wants a baby every time she sees the cute clothes, maybe she should try babysitting. The reality check might be good. What do you think?

Jen said...

That's a really cool post...
not degrading, but totally true.
Thanks...

fran said...

I love the post... especially the gooey part. How can something so gross be so damn funny? I hope your reader stops back and gets some kind of reality check.

Chelle said...

Oh my gosh! Does that mean you can see how many time I check your blog every day hoping and waiting for more stories about the prettybabies??!! Wow. I'm surprised I haven't been issued a restraining order for stalking! Hee hee

Amy said...

Michelle - I can see which IP addresses are looking at the blog, and for how long, and what people searched for to get here. I just thought I was VERY popular with the kids at the lab. :)

Jeana said...

The title is priceless.