Local Mall, 5:14 pm
Area residents are living in fear tonight due to a group of rogue parents who have allegedly been rampaging through town, destroying plastic ride on carousels, animals, and race cars.
"75 cents for 30 seconds? What kind of (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) bull (expletive deleted) is that?" said one unidentified father of 4, as he smashed the head of a plastic dog in with a bat, "Don't they know that we're in a recession?"
The riot allegedly began when a local three year old, whose identity is being withheld, demanded to ride on the carousel "one more time." Her cries ignited the rage of other nearby toddlers, who also began to demand rides on the carousel. Parents, at the end of their ropes, began at that time to enter the nearby Dick's Sporting Goods store. They debated the merits of wood vs. aluminum, calmly waited in line, paid for their baseball bats, and returned to the carousel. Only then did the riot ensue.
"You know, I haven't been to Rack Room Shoes in 4 years, because I don't want to walk by this (expletive deleted) thing?" said one mother as she hurled a piece of the plastic horse through the window of Rack Room Shoes.
"The music," whack, "just," whack, "won't," whack, "stop," said another woman, who appeared to be a grandmother, as she beat at the top of the carousel. Maddeningly, it continued to chirp perky, kid-taunting music at her as she impotently beat on the plastic. A father came up behind her, took the bat out of her hand, bashed in the music box, and returned the bat to her.
One parent, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said, "Look, it wasn't so bad when it was just one obscure plastic car with a little plastic dog in a remote corner of the mall... But now, everywhere you look, there are plastic pieces of crap designed to separate parents from their money, 75 cents or a dollar at a time. The kids go NUTS for this stuff. It's like crack, and they know we'll keep pumping in the quarters to shut them up. It's like a tax on people who bring kids to the mall, and this is the Boston Tea Party," the anonymous informant said before being swept away in the frenzy, which was headed for the grocery store to "take out" those annoying race car shaped carts.
"I hate those (expletive deleted) things!" screamed a mother of 2.
The parents built a bon fire in the parking lot of the grocery store and burned the carts, while their children looked on in silence. A seven year old said, "Maybe asking for a sixth ride was pushing things a bit far..." as his father stripped naked and danced circles around the pyre, screaming, "Who wants my quarters now, beeyatch?"
Local police were reluctant to intervene, fearing for the safety of the children involved. "Besides," said Officer Scott Smith, "I have 3 kids too. I hate those frigging things. If I weren't on the job, I'd go out there and help 'em."