Monday, November 10, 2008

Crazed Parents Destroy Plastic Carousel

Local Mall, 5:14 pm

Area residents are living in fear tonight due to a group of rogue parents who have allegedly been rampaging through town, destroying plastic ride on carousels, animals, and race cars.

"75 cents for 30 seconds? What kind of (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) bull (expletive deleted) is that?" said one unidentified father of 4, as he smashed the head of a plastic dog in with a bat, "Don't they know that we're in a recession?"

The riot allegedly began when a local three year old, whose identity is being withheld, demanded to ride on the carousel "one more time." Her cries ignited the rage of other nearby toddlers, who also began to demand rides on the carousel. Parents, at the end of their ropes, began at that time to enter the nearby Dick's Sporting Goods store. They debated the merits of wood vs. aluminum, calmly waited in line, paid for their baseball bats, and returned to the carousel. Only then did the riot ensue.

"You know, I haven't been to Rack Room Shoes in 4 years, because I don't want to walk by this (expletive deleted) thing?" said one mother as she hurled a piece of the plastic horse through the window of Rack Room Shoes.

"The music," whack, "just," whack, "won't," whack, "stop," said another woman, who appeared to be a grandmother, as she beat at the top of the carousel. Maddeningly, it continued to chirp perky, kid-taunting music at her as she impotently beat on the plastic. A father came up behind her, took the bat out of her hand, bashed in the music box, and returned the bat to her.

One parent, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said, "Look, it wasn't so bad when it was just one obscure plastic car with a little plastic dog in a remote corner of the mall... But now, everywhere you look, there are plastic pieces of crap designed to separate parents from their money, 75 cents or a dollar at a time. The kids go NUTS for this stuff. It's like crack, and they know we'll keep pumping in the quarters to shut them up. It's like a tax on people who bring kids to the mall, and this is the Boston Tea Party," the anonymous informant said before being swept away in the frenzy, which was headed for the grocery store to "take out" those annoying race car shaped carts.

"I hate those (expletive deleted) things!" screamed a mother of 2.

The parents built a bon fire in the parking lot of the grocery store and burned the carts, while their children looked on in silence. A seven year old said, "Maybe asking for a sixth ride was pushing things a bit far..." as his father stripped naked and danced circles around the pyre, screaming, "Who wants my quarters now, beeyatch?"

Local police were reluctant to intervene, fearing for the safety of the children involved. "Besides," said Officer Scott Smith, "I have 3 kids too. I hate those frigging things. If I weren't on the job, I'd go out there and help 'em."


Jen said...

WTH? You need a cite in this one... either that or you really really really need to go into journalism or write that book or something. You are the best writer I have ever... read. Although, I'm probably not a very good critic - the last real book I read was half of To Kill a Mockingbird in 9th grade...

Erin said...

LOL! The only time I let Katelynn ride the rides at the mall is when the grandparents are down, which they were this weekend.

Of course I really had to make things up to Katelynn on Saturday. We went to P&W's family day, stupidly took her to the airport where they did the air show with F-16s. Yeah, bad idea. Then we left a little later than originally planned due to Matt wanting to see all the fly-overs. That combined with the grandparents being down meant that naptime was shot. And stupid me, I had scheduled Christmas photos at Sears later that day and I hadn't realized I scheduled them at a stand-alone Sears, not the mall, like I had planned. We went to the mall. We did get in an hour later. However to make up for the crankiness, I let her ride the rides...sometimes that's all you can do.

Yes, she was cranky during all the pictures, but you wouldn't know it by how they turned out. If you want to see them, let me know. :) I'll send you the link.

Julie said...

Oh my lord, Amy... This had me, literally, in tears. I nearly became incontinent at least twice, and you KNOW I'm prone to that, so shame on you! I, myself, have been guilty of pumping quarters into those machines like an SAS-shoe-wearing senior citizen at Atlantic City, if only in an attempt to keep Katie's then-toddler head from spinning 360 degrees.

HYSTERICAL! How you don't already have a multi zillion dollar book contract is way beyond me.

mom said...

After the parents destroy the carousel they need to go after the candy counters in the check out lanes at the grocery store! hahaha.
Great post! Sooooooo funny!!!!