Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I Want To Be Beige

I wish I could be beige. I wish I didn't have opinions. Opinions just get me in trouble, most of the time. Nobody listens. Nobody wants to hear what anyone else has to say. People talk and talk and talk - on blogs, on message boards, on TV, on talk radio, but all of them only want to hear two words in return... and those two words are "You're right."

I admit, I'm guilty of it too. Being right feels good. But I really do try, at least, when I talk to people or read what they've written, to set aside my own thoughts and really HEAR what they have to say. I try to find the truth in even the most ignorant statement - if nothing else because that's generally the best place to start arguing with them from. I try to quiet my mind and listen to what someone's saying, instead of planning my next attack and hoping they'll shut up before I forget what I'm about to say. God knows, I generally don't succeed at this for long, but I try.

But having opinions - no, having convictions, which I apparently have more than my fair share of - is a real liability. Because people just don't want to hear them, unless they agree with me to begin with, and then what's the point of talking to each other about it? It just pisses people off when I won't back down. Then it gets ugly. Then it starts to hurt.

I finally get it. After 32 years of beating my head against every. available. wall. I get it.

I am going to practice beigitude. I am going to smile and be vapid and say things like, "Do you really think so?" and "Gosh, that's interesting!" and "Have another cookie!" instead of trying to show people (often with their own "truths") that they're wrong. I am going to say, "What do you think?" and I am going to say, "I can see both sides," when asked for my opinion (which happens rarely). When asked directly, I'll breathe, "Gee, I don't know, what do you think?" bat my eyes and flash my cleavage.

And when no one is looking, I'm going to do my own thing anyway, because after all the talk talk talk and bullshit lies and bullshit, everyone's just waiting for me to screw up so that they can give me a big fat I TOLD YOU SO anyway... At least if that's going to happen, I'll have screwed up based on my own truths, rather than having accepted and acted upon someone else's.

I got kicked off of Sparkpeople today after getting into a political discussion on a political message board within the group where I was trying to explain the difference between calling a person ignorant and calling the person's beliefs ignorant (the belief in question being that Obama is the antichrist). I tried to explain that going around proclaiming that sort of thing makes all Christians, myself included, look bad.

Screw them. Screw message boards. Screw opinions, my own included. What difference does it make, any of it? It's all 1s and 0s, as they used to say at AFCA. In the end, after all of them have worn their fingers down to tiny nubs typing vitriol and ignorant bullshit at each other - what have we solved - NOTHING.

I wonder if there would have been more people out in the streets protesting the atrocious things that have happened in this country over the past few years if we weren't all chained to our computers, operating under the illusion that any of this makes any damn difference to anyone. Perhaps the internet is the ultimate tool for crowd control.

It's all 1s and 0s.

It's not even real.

I am going on break (from PB, e-mail, reading blogs, all of it).

I'll be back in a few days.

I am not in a good place.

I need to unplug, unwind, and uncolor myself.

I feel like I've been fighting for years.

I can't fight anymore.

I need to get beige.

12 comments:

Opus #6 said...

Hey there! I hear ya on wanting to melt back into the woodwork. I mean, it doesn't really matter so much now that the election is over. So maybe baking cookies and smiling a lot is good in the meantime, and you can bust out all political again in 2 to 4 years at the next election cycle. See ya on the flip side!

Have the T-shirt said...

This is really a tough one. I have always been uncomfortable with confrontation and when my views don't match with someone else's, well, there could be a confrontation.

What I've learned after 50 years is that, just as we do as parents, we have to choose our battles.

I carefully gauge whether arguing with THIS person is really important in the scheme of things. If I determine it IS important, in the sense that the outcome of the discussion is vital, making them see my point, then I'll pursue.

Otherwise, I'm very good at saying, "Let's agree to disagree."

When you have very strong opinions, it is very easy to feel you need to change other people's opinions. But so many times, it's just not vital to ANYTHING really.

I just think it really comes down to WHO you are arguing with. Some people are just not worth the time and effort, their views are so vile and those people will never change, so I don't beat my head against that wall.

I meet more of that type of person in the internet environment than in real life, thankfully and I refuse to engage.

Will they let you back into sparkpeople eventually?

Heather said...

Oh, Amy. *hug*

I would email the moderators and ask them to review their decision.

More relevant, though - keep on the diet, it's working (okay, that's not really all that relevant), and for heaven's sake, KEEP YOUR OPINIONS!

A weight loss site may not be the best place to even host a political discussion, but please don't go thinkin' that no one wants to hear you. I do. And I know, 'cause I've found them in years past, that there are sites where political discussion is encouraged, and the boneheads are invited to stop being morons and actually use their brains rather than their "parrot reflex".

Take the break, but please... I cannot STAND the color beige. (One of the reasons I refused meds for so long was that I feared I would become beige.)

And no, you can't be taupe, either.

dorindmikey said...

Wow I'm sorry, I know hwo much SPark meant to you. Is it the whole thing or just the message boards? because ofcourse you can keep doing SPrak just use a different alias to sign up under.

You have no idea how much trouble I used to get into in High School for having a big mouth and voicing my opinions. You know what though, the world needs people like us. Do not be one 'them' and just choose to follow what the man tells us to do and say.

It's people like us that led the revolutions so no, you do not need to be beige, you need to show all the colors to those people who live in black and white!

RobMonroe said...

I gave up on two message boards and Parent Dish because of the attacks and negativity.

I am proud of you for being kicked out!

You're right, by the way.

Anonymous said...

Are you still off the Zoloft? Have ya thought that could be influencing the manner in which your opinions are being shared?

Liz said...

Just stumbled onto your blog this afternoon, sorry to hear that this has got you down. I too have a big mouth and a lot of strong feelings over, well, just about everything in life (not just politics). Maybe I'll try your "Have another cookie" suggestion. I like that. Hilarious. :)

adymommy said...

Sorry you are down. Hopefully you will be back up soon. For the record I want to hear your opinions and thoughts...I don't always agree with them, but, I can respect that we are all entitled to our opinions. Plus,if everyone thought like me the world would be a very SCARY place :)

I can't believe you were kicked off Spark. We have had all kinds of "issues" on some of our boards and the idiots are still allowed to be there. Hmmm...I suppose there in lies the problem--the idiots run Spark, and until Tuesday night the country! Thank goodness there is a change coming.

((hugs)) Feel better soon.

Mimi said...

YOu wouldn't be you if you were beige! We love you because of your opinions and sometimes we hate you because of your opinions! But one thing is for sure, you are more respected because of those opinions and if others don't recognize that then it's their loss!

Kathryn said...

Well said, Mimi!! We love Amy just the way she is!!!

Anonymous said...

I am not at all trying to fuel the fire, but it also makes Christians look bad when we, as Christians, lose our "cool" and cuss and say things that are harsh. (Not at all saying that you have no right to your opinions, political or otherwise.) As hard as it is, the Lord calls us to "turn the other cheek". Just trying to help you see it all in a different light. So sorry that this happened to you.
God bless!

Jenny H. said...

Amy,

I think there is a con-census among a lot of us, that we too, feel like fading into the backdrop.
I have been through this type of situation, not in the political realm, but in another close to my heart matter.
I truly have to fight back sometimes, so as not to cause more problems for myself and family. Just know that your views and opinions are important, because, they are important to you. You are absolutely right, in that, some only want to her they are right. I have a very close, dear friend that is that way, and we have to just agree to disagree and move on. I could beat a dead horse, and trust me, I want to. It does no good, and thankfully, I am slowly learning that. The ones that can't appreciate your views and opinions, and want to be so dogmatic that it causes the outcome that happened to you...Well, they have the problem.
You are entitled to your opinions and don't stop giving it. Those who want to silence others have no appreciation for the Constitution regarding Free Speech.
Taking a break can also give us a fresh perspective on things, but don't give up.

Jenny H. (payless friend)