It's taking every ounce of self-loathing I have to not go on a bender and eat my way through every fast food restaurant in town.
Yes, you read that right.
This friggin' sucks.
In my next life I get to be naturally thin, ok? Rather than this:
...except Shamu doesn't have zits and stretch marks. Oh God, sometimes the weight of my own self-hatred is literally crushing. I can actually feel it pressing down on me right now.So I called Laser Concepts today, because I know 6 people who have gone there and for $300 have had some voodoo done to their ears and they have quit smoking. One person had a stroke and continued to smoke afterward, but the laser thing worked. Another had a heart attack and continued to smoke afterward, but the laser thing worked. I don't understand it, but it really seems to do something.
...and they offer a treatment for weight loss, too.
It's not nearby, but I could get there twice a week for 5 weeks (to the tune of $400) to do the weight loss treatment. But after talking to the guy about what I've tried (breastfeeding MG for 28 months and C for 22 months and BOTH OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME through my pregnancy with C and for 9 months afterwards - - and not losing an ounce. Restricting myself to 1800 calories (or less!) a day for a week, and GAINING a pound) he said, "Something's really wrong with you!" and refused to take my money until I've seen a doctor.
But the thing is, I've seen my doctor. And he says, "Diet and exercise." Well, I'm dieting. And exercise is not my friend. I need to lose some weight first. Exercise is phase two. It takes a month to make a habit. Well, I need a month of eating better before I make another change, you know? October was quit smoking. November was eat better. December is exercise. Or hang myself with a string of Christmas lights. Whichever comes first.
I guess if I diet for a month and then start exercising and do both for a month, and I'm still gaining weight, then I'll go to the doctor.
If I last that long. Because right now, honestly, all I want to do is dive, head first, into a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
(And if you think this was bleak, you should read the parts I deleted!)
15 comments:
I'm so sorry, Amy. Can you find a different doctor? Yours let you down big time. You're a wonderful advocate for your little girls; you need to learn to be a better advocate for yourself. Is there a program at the local hospital? Is there a program at the local college? "Knowledge is Power" ... and all of that.
A little threesome with Ben and Jerry always makes me feel better. MMM.
that really freaking sucks. you should be proud of yourself for sticking to your diet! i downloaded a calorie tracker for my blackberry, religiously loaded in every calorie, and went over my limit every single day for a week. then i stopped charting. so, you get a big CONGRATS from me for sticking to your diet.
eat the ice cream. maybe not the whole pint...and find a better doctor!
Amy. I can't believe *I'm* the one gonna be smacking *you* upside the head, since usually that's what you do for me... but here goes.
Do you get a period at all? I mean, birth control does weird things and I don't know if you're on anything in particular. But monthly weight gain just from fluid retention is common and No Big Deal. Jeez, I am totally used to a five-pound monthly fluctuation in my weight.
Second. Just to be gross. Have you had some quality time in the bathroom lately? Maybe you're one pound (oh god, sixteen whole OUNCES) heavier because you need to poo.
Third. If you're eating healthier, are you also drinking more water? Could you be weighing SLIGHTLY more now because you're actually hydrated?
Fourth. You. Are NOT. So fat. That you can't take a frickin' walk around the block. Exercise isn't about hard-to-pronounce activities that make you wish you were dead. It's about getting off your (NOT FAT) butt on a daily basis and doing something that actually gives you energy.
Fifth. Do I need to come over there? I will cheerfully do an ice-cream intervention and take allll the goodness and hide it in my freezer. For your own protection, of course.
Sixth. If you really feel you must, Breyer's is the healthiest ice cream.
Have you had your thyroid levels checked with a blood test? Google low thyroid level symptoms and see this could be it. Hope you can work it out. (-:
After I commented on your FB comment this morning, I checked here -- and I really think what I mentioned makes sense -- your body is thinking you're starving it and fighting you full blown, and you are wreaking the emotional consequences. I get it that exercise can feel impossible but I stress that it doesn't have to be that crazy cardio at the gym crap that is SO boring on top of ridiculous. Just start by tramping around the block a few times a day. It will make you feel better emotionally about everything, make you feel like you've DONE something and then you'll feel better about yourself, your weight, and you won't have your body fighting you. Sorry if I'm repeating myself here. I guess this is as close as I can get to reaching out and giving you a hug. Can't wait till Christmas! :) Oh, and I find Pirate's booty, and its cousin Veggie Booty, to be a fab salty snack. A little high in salt, but otherwise may meet requirements.
I would push for some actual testing not just the "D&E" response that they have to give. A "friend" of mine whom I share a bed with on a regular basis (ahem) found out two years into trying to conceive that she has a thyroid condition that is treatable and that brought down her weight. Best diagnosis she has ever gotten, though it has consequences at least there was an answer.
IM me and I can top your weight issue today - not that a tit-for-tat is what you're looking for. :o)
(BTW - we all need friends like Heather in our lives. Wish I had one!)
Your doctor blew you off, and that's just not right. If he isn't able to help you with weight loss, then it's his duty to refer you to someone who is. Besides, there are a ton (heh) of medical reasons that may be interferring with your ability to lose weight; a good M.D. should be looking at those possibilities.
Someone in my Mom's Weight Watchers once said something that I will never forget: Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Say that to yourself whenever you have the urge to binge!
Also, to echo something Heather said, ABSOLUTELY, re: walking around the block. Putting off exercise is the worst thing you can do when you are starting a diet. It needs to be all or nothing! Just do what you can and work up from there...even if it's just walking a few doors down and then back home, and increasing your distance every week or whatever. There's no excuse for not exercising if you are trying to lose weight & get healthy! My Mom has had back problems for years, AND has fibromialgia...and she goes to a trainer 2x a week, and swims at the gym pool at least 3-4x per week. If she can do it? Anyone can!! I don't mean to make this sound harsh, but if you want to be motivated by results, you gotta balance the diet & exercise! But yes, if you still aren't losing weight in a month or two, I'd get a second opinion. Could be a thyroid problem, or Hashimoto's (I guess that's the same thing)...
Aw, shucks. Rob, I'll be your friend too if you want. Got any ice cream?
The way to lose weight, and I do know because I did it and lost 50lbs, is to eat only 1200 calories a day. 1300 calories equal one pound. You have to change the way you eat and when you eat. You have to count and measure, and I pre-did this stuff which helped.
Eat 200 cal. six times a day. You have to eat to keep your metabolism working.
Trust me, it's hard, but it's do-able, and it worked for me!
Park at the far end of the parking lot, and then you'll have to walk farther to get where you're going. As a bonus, you won't get dings in your car doors. Park at the end of your driveway and then race your girls to see who can get to the front door first. Lift weights with canned goods while waiting for your tea water to boil. Get up off the sofa and clean the sink, straighten something, put something way, etc. during commercial breaks. What -- you zap the commercials? Stop doing that: commercials are your friends.
Air pop your own popcorn, and then you can control how much butter/oil you add to it for flavoring. That microwave stuff is nasty.
Create a stand-up work station so you're standing instead of sitting when you're at the computer. You'll burn more calories if you have to stand and, you know, like balance yourself and all. Better yet, hook up your computer station to a treadmill machine so you're walking along slowly while glued to the screen and typing away. You can do it. You have geeks in your family.
How do you go from losing 2lbs. one day to gaining 1lb. the next?? You should only be weighing yourself once a week, about the same time of day and wearing similar clothes. Your body weight can fluctuate quite a bit during the day and from day to day so eliminating those variables will help give you a truer number.
What does your calorie count consist of? Not all calories are created equal. Unfortunately weight loss and gain is not just a numbers game.
Work out, work out, work out!! In the losing weight equation, being active and burning calories is more important than "dieting" (in my humble, non-medical opinion). Do you have a gym membership? I go to 24-hour Fitness which is only about $30 a month and they offer childcare (I'm not sure if it costs extra or not; I don't have kids). Usually most gyms will give you a one-hour session with a personal trainer that can show you the basics of lifting weights. Weight lifting will help you build muscle which burns more calories than fat, so when you build muscle your body will automatically burn more calories. I usually do about 15-20 minutes of weight lifting then 20-30 minutes of cardio (I prefer the elliptical but you can also ride a stationary bike or walk on a treadmill). Or do what some other commenters suggested and just walk around the block. There's also a bajillion exercise DVDs out there if you'd rather work out at home. Cutting calories and eating right is important but it's a lot easier to add that in as a second step and start exercise as the first step, because exercise will make you feel better and for me, when I work out regularly I'm more motivated to eat better because exercise makes me crave healthier foods. In college, I lost about 15 pounds one semester and I don't remember ever trying to diet or anything, I just worked out regularly and tried to eat healthy (and I worked at a restaurant so I was on my feet about 6-7 hours a day several days a week).
-Rachel
Also, weigh yourself once a week right after you get up in the morning without any clothes on. And women's weight does fluctuate throughout the month; I always weigh in a little bit more during my PMS week (which may or may not be related to the chocolate that I crave that week...) And please try to cut yourself some slack, the holidays are the WORST time to try to lose weight! Give yourself some treats every once in a while, just try not to go overboard. And make up for it with an extra walk around the block or something.
You can do it!!
-Rachel
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