Thursday, November 5, 2009


I am annoyed about something.

I know you're thinking, "REALLY?" in that sarcastic tone of... thought. Just hush. I know you really come here to read my rants of impotent rage.

Anyway, I've noticed a trend in the marketing that has been directed my way lately that is annoying the snot out of me.

The False Sense of Urgency is a powerful marketing tool. "Act Now!" or "Supplies are Limited!" are familiar refrains. But this new trend I'm seeing is the False Sense of Urgency combined with the Implied Irresponsibility of the Consumer (me).

BJ gave money to McCain's campaign last year. (And can I just mention on the side how lovely it was to have an election day come and go without a bunch of shrill screaming and nasty ads and fighting and partisan bulloney? I didn't even notice that it was the first Tuesday in November until the first Wednesday in November, and it was delightful). Ever since, we get weekly mailings from the Republican Party asking for "just" $50. Snort, whatever. Fifty bucks is only "just" anything to Republicans! But the most recent mailing was in a blue, windowed envelope that looked just like a bill, and it had "PAST DUE" stamped on it in red.

Like I'm some kind of flagrant bill ignorer! I ripped it open (yes, it was addressed to BJ but I do the bills in this house, and he hasn't touched mail that wasn't a magazine or something from Amazon in months - and if the postal police come after me for that, they're probably going to have to go after half of every other married or partnered couple in the country) without looking at the return address. I saw the figure ($50) and my heart-rate skyrocketed. "How did I miss a bill for fifty bucks??" I chastised myself, as I flipped it over to see who it was from.

The Republicans.

So I chat BJ, "Did you promise the clucking Republicans money??" I asked. I may or may not have used a word that rhymes with one of those words...


Then I started ranting about how seriously sneaky and dirty and underhanded it is to send a "past due" notice asking for a contribution, and how there are probably old people with poor eyesight who pay these things without reading the fine print (that you don't actually owe them money, nothing is due, past or otherwise). Dirty pool, folks, dirty pool.

I called the 800 number listed on the "bill" and no one answered. I was not surprised.

And then I got an e-mail from an appliance parts distributor to the blog's e-mail address, that included the words "FINAL OFFER" in the subject line.

I just wrote back to that one and said, "I don't think the scope of my blog includes appliance parts," even though they were offering me money.

Let's just be clear, I am completely for sale, but it has to be at least tertiarily related to kids or parenting or school or toys or something that has something to do with Pretty Babies. I mean, if Scholastic or Toys R Us or Disney or The Children's Place or Kohl's or any number of fine retailers wants to come along and offer me product and/or cash to pimp their wares to you, I will start dressing like this guy (Weird Al?). I will sell right out for free clothes, Beloved Readers, because these kids are growing faster than I can keep clothes on their butts, and I mean that quite literally. Mary Grace has already outgrown the jeans I bought her a month ago!

I feel like we're close enough, like we have an honest and open enough relationship that I can tell you that and you'll still respect me. I mean, you'd do the same to me, right? Come on, if someone offered you $100 worth of cute kids' clothes, you'd throw me under the bus.

But appliance parts?

Maybe I'll start a spin off blog - Stuff You Should Purchase - and I'll throw all the appliance parts and whatnot up there. That way I can maintain my "integrity" as a blogger, and still get money. Best of both worlds.

In other commerce-related news, I've opened an Amazon Affiliates account, which means that if I link to something... Like, oh, this Kindle right here, and you click on my link and buy it, I get a little bit of money.

I can even make fancy pictures, like this:

So, um, ACT NOW! Supplies are Limited! You are Past Due for buying your favorite reading enthusiast a Kindle! (Actually, I have one and it would make a fantastic Christmas gift for anyone who loves to read).

Kids love to read. See how I sewed that all up, there? Related to kids? Check. Disclosure? Check. Integrity? In tact. Hooray!


Cate said...

I would totally throw you under the bus for even less! I'm kidding. You are so funny!

Adelas said...

I have been so behind on my blog reading since I had the runt. I have missed you. Now I am going to neglect my responsibilities and get caught up. Thanks a lot. I guess now you owe me some appliance parts, or maybe a dishwasher (mine sucks), for stealing my time that i should have been working. Past due! Remit dishwasher to: ....

RobMonroe said...

I once had an offer to advertise on my blog, but turned it down. That was before I realized I was broke and had a child. Oh well. Now I don't post often enough, or creatively enough, to get even spam offers!