Ugh!

Ugh! I am stuck in Nashville and I keep calling it Memphis. Claire has had it with jet setting and is biting my boob as I type this. Would it be wrong of me to change her diaper right here in the middle of the waiting area, so that I don't have to pack up all my crap, haul it to the bathroom, change her, haul it all back, and then unpack it? You'd understand, right? I'm never going to see these people again, anyway.

I really didn't log on to blog - I logged on to charge my iPod so I don't lose my tiny mind on the way from here to O'Hare. One can only peruse the SkyMall catalog so many times before one starts wondering how one has ever lived without a pre-lit, pre-decorated Christmas tree that unfolds itself and sets up, complete, in 30 seconds. I mean, seriously? Why not just put up a picture of a tree.

The wedding was fab-u-lous and my toast was awesome (if I do say so). Even the DJ said he'd never heard a better toast. See, I didn't really know the groom that well, because Amanda and I went to college together when she got her undergrad, and they met at the school she did her grad school at. So, I was talking to Karen, who is brilliant, and she suggested that I google him and say, "I didn't know much about Matt, so I googled him, and this is what I know, now, about Amanda's new husband..." so I did. Here's what I said:

I am so thrilled to be here, in this beautiful place, to celebrate the marriage of these two extraordinary people. I've known Amanda since college, but since she and Matt met in Florida and now live in Baton Rouge, I have only had the pleasure of meeting Matt a couple of times. Consequently, I've been very nervous about giving this toast. I could tell you plenty of stories about Amanda that she'd kill me for later, but to be honest, I really don't know a great deal about Matt.

So, this being 2007, I did what anyone else would've done in my situation. I Googled "Matt K....," and here is what I now know about Amanda's new husband, Matt.

Matthew K.... was born in 1779 to Luke K.... and Martha L..... in New York. He was seventh of nine children, his siblings being Martha, Orren, Ozin, Rhoda, Bethia, Ancil, Luke Jr., and Calvin. It's a shame that more of his siblings couldn't be with us today.

Matt is a forward for a National Hockey League team. Isn't it remarkable that his teeth look so great, considering?

Matt is also active in the film industry. Matt has been a Production Assistant on Big Momma's House 2, and was a casting assistant for The Dukes of Hazard. You'll have to tell us later, Matt, what you were thinking. Jessica Simpson??

Matt also coaches high school football at St. Xavier high school in Cincinnati. I was surprised to find out that Matt was a Jesuit. He holds a bachelor's degree in psychology and family development, and a masters in school counseling. This will be handy, because Amanda can't seem to get herself OUT of school!

In addition, Father Matthew K.... is the Pastor of the First Christian Church of Canton, Illinois.

I don't know where he finds the time, but according to Google, Matt is also the CEO of a computer software company called PenFact, and he's a sales manager for the House of Blues in Las Vegas.

Somehow, though he's been so busy with all of these things, he managed to meet a wonderful woman. I know their life together will be full of many more interesting, and probably more accurate, adventures! Cheers!

Y'all, I brought down the house! Best of all, Amanda was afraid that I was going to completely humiliate her, because I have a tendency to say stupid things, and so she was very relieved and pleasantly surprised that I didn't bring up that incident with the tequila and the acoustics..... :)

Speaking of which, I handed out a bunch of my cards, so let's all give a warm welcome to the alumni of the wedding, who should be joining us to check out the blog and the pictures of the Pretty Babies soon! Hi everyone!

Beth, don't forget that I swore you to secrecy. We will not discuss The Incident this morning. Ugh.

I'm excited to get home and put all my pictures online. I think I'll put them on Shutterfly. I'll let you know when they're up. Of course, I'll post the best ones here.

If I ever get home, that is. Everything to Chicago is delayed at least an hour right now. I guess I have time to change that diaper after all.

Wish me luck!