I'm never going to win an Oscar

I'm never going to win an Oscar*, but I have my speech all written, just in case...

"Wow, I didn't expect this at all. I wish I could share it with every one of the women who were nominated in this category, because you are all amazing**. I am absolutely stunned by this honor." (Adorably wipe a tear, smile, take a deep breath, and say...)

"First, I would like to thank all my fans and the academy. Much love and gratitude to my friends, who have stood by me for so long, who know all my stories and still listen to me when I tell them for the dozenth time. I thank my family, especially my parents, who have always believed in me and fostered my creativity. Thank you for thinking I'm funny.*** Thank you for being my first audience. I am so grateful to my children, who have given me more material than I ever could've imagined.**** And most of all, I'd like to thank my husband BJ, who knew me when I had the horrible perm, and loves me anyway, and who lets me tell our stories to the world. Thank you."

Now all I need to do is find a gown. And a movie. And talent.

* Or a Nobel Prize, for that matter.
** Anne Hathaway, Reese Witherspoon, Queen Latifah, and Jennifer Aniston
*** Of course I'd win for a comedy, even though comedies never win.
**** A comedy I wrote, about my kids.