I Got My Mad Parenting Skillz from Sears!!! W00T

Ok, full disclosure - I had a couple glasses of wine while on the phone with Gramma, so if I'm typing a little crooked or something, well, don't say I didn't warn you. (It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're on the phone with someone else who's drinking, right?)

Stop looking at my gigantic behind! I've had two kids! (Nevermind the fact that my behind was exactly that size prior to the having of the two kids!) ((I told you I'd had a drink)). That's me, at the Big Cool Park, feeding the geese. I'm actually deathly afraid of all water fowl, but that's a discussion for another day.

See that blue sash of fabric? That's my sling. I often wonder if people, when seeing me from behind, think I'm a former beauty queen who just can't let it go, or what. It must look rather odd. But from the front, you can see that it is The World's Most Fabulous Baby Carrier Ever!!!! I am like the babywearing ambassador for our town. Everywhere I go in this thing, people have to stop me and ask what it is, where I got it, whether or not I like it, how much it cost, etc. If they don't stop me to talk, they say, "Awww, look at the baby in the bag!" or something similar.

Therefore, I will enumerate the joys of babywearing for you here. Then I can just tell people to check out my blog, and I won't have to have a 30 minute conversation about it every time I leave the house. (To be honest, I like the attention, but I'm only telling you that because of the wine).

I wore MG in a ring sling when she was a baby. The problem was that the ring bonked her in the head, and I found myself constant adjusting it. It was, in a word, a PITA (pain in the ass).

Then, while I was pregnant with Claire, I found the adjustable pouch. The fleece one, to be exact. It was love at first sight.

I wear my sling every single day. When we're at the grocery store, I put MG in the cart and Claire in the sling, and we go. When we're at the park, I put MG on the ground and Claire in the sling, and we go. When we're at the mall, I start out with them both in the double stroller (which I also love, btw), but by the time we get to the second store I've got MG walking and C in the sling and I'm pushing our crap in the stroller. Oh well.

Anyway, the fabulous thing about the sling is that I still have arms to snatch MG from the jaws of death with, when I'm holding Claire. The jaws of death (or should I say, Jaws of Death) present themselves quite often when you're not even two, and it seems that I spend my entire day saying, "No," and "Don't touch that," and "Get out of the road!" and "OH MY GOD IF YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH... SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

ahem.

Having arms greatly facilitates the removal of the poisonous substances from the mouth, the removal of the child from the road, etc. Enter the sling.

With the sling I can multitask. I can carry Claire and save MG from the Jaws of Death every 15 minutes at the same time. I don't have to drop Claire upon the pavement in order to run out and save MG from whatever Impending Doom is imminent (which is rather self defeating, actually, because what good is it to save one offspring if you maim the other one in the process??). It is a beautiful thing.

Babywearing is also, actually, good for the baby involved. Apparently babies like to be held occasionally, and having a sling enables you to do this, even when you are drinking too much wine while blogging (actually, she's in the swing right now, being neglected by her father, because I discovered that I was a little too tipsy to blog and hold the baby and drink the wine all at once).

The best feature about the sling is that Claire usually goes to sleep when she's in it. Of course, Claire, being an agreeable sort of child and a second-easy-child in general, sleeps in the face of all sorts of stimuli, including loud noises, Nosrus Tap, and daylight. She's awesome. Anyway, the rhythmic movement of the baby in the sling reminds them of the rhythmic movement of themselves in the womb and they konk right out. It's like magic. It's nearly to the point where all I have to do is show her the sling and she passes out like a sorority girl at a frat party.

I think I'm probably going to regret posting this in the morning. I'd better get more wine.

Right. The final, and often unpublished, benefit of the sling is that it covers up all the unsightly stains on your t-shirt. I was a sloppy sort before I had kids, but now that I have actual children hanging off of me at all times, I am constantly covered with a fine layer of snot, tears, applesauce (or juice), dirt, ravioli, and urine. I know, this sounds almost as attractive as my gigantic behind (I told you not to look!). If I want to wear one of my stained t-shirts (which is code for all of my stained t-shirts) out in public, all I have to do is toss Our Claire in the sling, and we're good to go. No one can see the stains.

Wearing a baby in a sling is the closest I am ever going to come to being a celebrity. The freaking Kangaroo Korner people ought to pay me a commission, because half of Our Town's residents have bought them on my recommendation. If I could sew, I would totally make them and sell them, but alas, I am a wordsmith and not a... fabricsmith... Oh wow, I really need to go to bed.

Please leave a comment and let me know whether or not I should post Under the Influence in the future.

I love you, Man!