The Universe is a Sarcastic B!tch

So, Mom gave me a copy of The Secret on audiobook. Basically, the idea is that if you "focus your thoughts" you will "magnetically" "attract" that which you think of into your life. So, if you focus on the thought, "I have to lose weight," you will always have to lose weight. But if you focus on gratitude and imagine that you already have what you want, you will get it. There's a bunch of really bad science (they say that the law of magnetism is that "like attracts like" but anyone who took Physics 101 will know that the real law of magnetism is "opposites attract" - so thinking bad thoughts should get you good things... But anyway...) and misapplication of Quantum Physics, but if Oprah likes it, heck, I'm willing to try anything once, assuming that they're not asking me for money.

So, all the way home from the zoo I focused on thinking, "I am so happy and grateful for the big fat check that is waiting for me in the mailbox." I removed all doubt, and believed with all of my heart that there was, in fact, a big fat check in my mailbox waiting for me. I was happy and grateful. I was One with the mystical powers of the universe.

I got home, checked the mail, and the top envelope was one of those window envelopes, and it clearly said, "Pay to the Order of" above my name and address. I felt a little dizzy. "Oh my God," I thought, "It really works!" I could hardly wait to get inside to open the envelope. I threw our bags down, and opened it.

$171,875.00! One Hundred and Seventy One THOUSAND, Eight Hundred and Seventy Five American Dollars, and no cents. "Oh my effing..." I said aloud, prompting MG to giggle and say "Effing" over and over and over. At least I quit before I said "God," because that's just what I need her to say at church.

Then I read the fine print. It's not a check. I'm pre-approved for a loan. It is basically a mortgage - 30 years at 7.375%. Not a big fat check. Likely a big fat scam.

So next time, I guess I need to visualize great big piles of cash. Cash without strings attached. A five pound box of twenty dollar bills. Because that Universe is one sarcastic b!tch from hell.